Just thought I would introduce me,,,,,,,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Just thought I would introduce me,,,,,,,
3
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 8:59am
Hi all,

I have been lurking around here for a while, since July actually, and thought I would just introduce myself, and make myself known. : )

I have been active on another ivillage message board since Feb, seeking advice and wisdom on another situation in my life.

In June I gave birth to my third VERY handsome baby boy. He is wonderful.

On July 4th my husband, ODS, MDS, YDS and SS were at my parents house, there was some conflict with my husband and myself and I left to cool down at a friends. About an hour or so after I left H found me at my friends with MDS and YDS in his truck (our mutual chidren) came up on my friends deck and punched me in my left eye. A longer story even shorter, he went to our house, called his EX to give her bail money for him, my Mom ended up over there, he ended up picking her up and putting her out of the house,,,I was on the phone with her at the time. I called the police, and headed toward the house. They never showed. This was all around 10:30ish or so. By 1am the police still had not showed, and I made it into the house. He wouldn't let me near the kids (YDS was only 3 weeks at the time) until around 3 when he couldn't handle the baby anymore. I got the baby back to sleep and went downstairs to get SOME sleep. By 5:30 the baby had woke up again and he brought him down to me. I went upstairs to get a bottle, there were words and I got smacked again with the baby in my arms. I ran outside with the phone and the baby, he tried to wrestle it from me, then thought better about it (the instance the night before when he hit me was in front of my friend, her husband, her sister and BIL.) and went in and unplugged the phone. I got my cell phone from the house and called the police. They came and arrested him.

Many events have unfolded since then. He hopped around the first couple weeks or so after I filed the RO on him,,,,then he decided to show back up,,,he got arrested again, landed at his EX's and well,,,,,,,I guess it goes without saying they had a "thing".

He is currently living in a house with three other guys. He has been attending a group therapy for about 11 weeks now, and seems to be doing well with it. At least the therapist seems to think so.

There is a long road ahead of us, and I am still trying to process it all. There were four years of emotional abuse mixed in there, a relationship that was a whirlwind the 5 years we have been together. I have lots and lots of issues, and he is trying to deal with all the issues he has from the abuse from his step dad and the non involvement from his Mom. I don't know where we will end up, but I am hoping that if nothing else this cycle of his (he has been physically abusive to his daughters Mom and my SS Mom) will not be passed on to our boys.

That is the short condensed version : )

Just wanted to say hi, and thanks for reading.

Cody

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 2:08pm
Hi Cody, I'm glad you finally decided to post your introduction. I lurked for a long time before I decided to post. I can't imagine trying to deal with all this and the newborn at the same time. That is just too much on one person's plate. I'm so glad you have friends and family around you that know what's going on and support you. If you are thinking that you will be alone if you end it with this guy once and for all, you are wrong. These friends and family will be there for you. In fact, I bet they celebrate. I can't tell you the number of people who came out of the woodwork when I finally called it quits.

Did you ever find out why the police didn't show up that first night? That is just wrong. Well, now that he's got the record for domestic violence, your address is likely on alert for immediate response. You can check that out. You need to report every violation of the RO. If you've been lurking, you already know that. You probably already know that No contact is the only way to go with these guys.

I'm a bit concerned about the "long road" you mention. Are you hoping he'll change and you'll get back together? I think you should get a copy of the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" I'm sure you've seen that book be recommended here before. It will open your eyes to what you are up against.

Your H has a history of abusing people so, you absolutely know that it has nothing to do with you. It is him and the way that he thinks, what he believes and what he feels he's entitled to. What kind of group therapy is this that he's in? How do you know the therapist thinks he is doing well?

You probably don't know this but, research has shown that, when your kids see any of this, even though they are not the "target", since you are their mom they identify so closely with you, that the effects are as though it's *them* who are being hit or abused. Babies can die from being shaken. What if he'd missed when he hit you with the baby in your arms? That child very well may not have survived the impact of that. There is information on this boards home page on the effects of abuse on children. Here's the link for it:

http://pages.ivillage.com/cl-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/id9.html

I stayed in a very unhealthy and abusive marriage for far too long under the misguided idea that I was doing what was best for my children.(guess who that idea came from) In the end, I left for the sake of their health, safety and future. I'm not trying to scare you (OK, maybe a bit, sorry) but, go back through some of the archives here - you'll find posters that have had their children taken from them simply because they went back, allowing them to be exposed to a known abuser, even though it was the kid's father!

It's a really an extremely tough sitauation to be in but it comes down to this: Who is more important, him *OR* you and them? Which should be your priority, trying again and living in the whirlwind with a man who repeatedly abused not only you but several others before you *OR* being in a position where you can raise your children in a safe, healthy, nurturing home?

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:14pm

Hi Cody and welcome -


I'm glad you're away from this guy right now.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 9:44pm
Hi, and thank you.

I obtained the full order of protection at the end of August. It was by consent and sort of a "modified" version.

He comes here to see our two boys and I go to a friends with ODS, or we shop or whatever.

I have slept with that article on how to tell if he is changing or not since one of the ladies on a different board posted it. There are changes. There are differences in him that I haven't seen before. I am cautious.

Financially I am pretty sound, I have a good paying job and he is paying child support, so that isn't TOO much of an issue. I have a very good network of frineds and family backing me up, and I know I won't ever have to worry about being able to feed the kids. That isn't even an issue.

I am currently waiting for an appointment with couselor number three. The first one was an employee based one, and was soooooo not able to deal with this. The second was way to concerned with getting him thrown in jail for a thrid time, and no matter how I tried to get her off of him and start dealing with ME she just kept talking about how to get him in court.

His therapist is an abuser himself. I have access to him and his progress from my H. That was one thing he told the guy when he started was that I could call and verify the things he was telling me about his therapy. So we have talked. While he certainly isn't coming home any time soon, he is, according to him "doing what he needs to and dealing with his pain." Well, whatever, I'm not real concerned with his pain right now. More concerned with mine.

Luckily I can say that we never argued in front of the children. This was the first instance of physical abuse there was. Most of the other stuff was emotional. Placing blame, making things that are important to me seem insignificant, favoring his child over mine,,,,,and OURS over mine. Nothing extreme, just subtle things that after a while you look back on and think "Why in the world did I put up with that?" The actual straw that broke the camel's back for me was after I told ODS and SS (7 and 6) that they weren't lighting any more fireworks,,,and he told them too, he proceeded to let SS light one because it was one SS brought. That was it. That was the last bite before I hurled. I got up and removed myself from the situation so I could avoid what happened. I am grateful that the oldest two boys weren't around. I am grateful that the kids never had to see any of this.

He fits some common abuser attributes, but there are several that he doesn't. He never controlled any of the money,,,mainly because he was so horrible with it, I wouldn't let him NEAR the checking account. He never isolated me from anyone, never told me what to wear, how to wear it,,,,nothing like that. Like I said most of it over the years was more emotional. We would get into an arguement about some little thing and the next thing I knew he was telling me he was leaving and not coming back. Well, I'm not scared of THAT anymore,,,I know I can do it. But anyway, I am rambling.

Thank you ladies for your welcome.

Cody

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