just wondering

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
just wondering
37
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 11:23pm
If some one posts something here, and they post that they have done something really dangerous, I don't think it helps the person in the long run not to say something to them.In my opinion, there is a way to say that some one has done something dangerous without attacking the person. Sometimes when I have an issue that is really confusing me, I would rather post it on a debate board, because there it seems like the feedback is more real and more honest, even if it is a bit rougher, it forces me to really think things out. Sometimes I feel the support boards are too syrupy and too limiting-and I think that actually does a disservice to certain people. Although they can be very informative, like the boards that deal with specific health issues have a lot of great info.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:26am
I remember the I know it's abuse but I'm staying discussion. I didn't see anything out of line about it. I think that woman was just not ready to leave, no matter the help she got her or IRL. But I do think this board helped, because I do think if her husband is like other abuser's, he will get worse over time and the abuse will get more severe-not necessarily that it will get physical. I think the things said on this board have stayed with her and she will think back on them as the months or years pass and the marriage gets worse.I remember when I was with my ex a cop said something to me. He said"How can you live like this" in a judgemental tone. I didn't like it at the time, but I always thought back to his remark over the years and pondered on it, and when I decided to leave, I still had his comment from years ago in my head, I said to myself He's right, I'm not gonna live like this.I wasn't around for the nineteen year old discussion, but again, I don't advocate telling people or being in your face to leave the relationship.I think you have misunderstood my whole approach. I believe it is ultimately a choice to stay, and I do think each woman has the right to stay and obstacles to leaving-both financial and psychological, but I do think it is a choice. I am talking about as an example, let's say some one did something dangerous to herself and her children in the course of an argument with her abuser. Not something he did that was physical, but something she did and it was a dangerous dangerous thing to herself and her kids.I think it should be pointed out that it was dangerous, that in a way he brought her to that, but it was dangerous nontheless.But that's just my opinion. I myself have really learned a lot from the counseling discussion(but that's not what this is in reference too) and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I myself will continute to post my way, but If I say something that upsets some one in one discussion if you notice, I do not respond to that person in other discussions. One long time poster, I said something that offended her(months ago) and in all these months I have never posted in the discussions she started. The more recent incident, I will never respond in that poster's discussions out of sensitivity to that poster, but I will continue to post my way until I violate TOS and get kicked out of here. I realize know that everyone has their own way, and it was never about forcing some one to my way, just wanted to discuss it to get more understanding. And I have, both on other people's views and on what I myself can contribute to this discussion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 11:26am

Hi Rayny -


I'm so happy that you are finding boards that suit your needs well - debate boards can frequently be intimidating to new members because of the style of the support and advice that is offered on them, but I've found that the undying loyalty among regular members of a debate board is very fulfilling and as strong as the bonds forged on support boards. It's just a different "flavor" of support!


Luckily, we have a wide variety of board styles so members can seek out the board that appeals to them and their needs. We find that it's important to maintain a distinction between support boards and debate boards as a way to help members anticipate the replies they will receive and as a way for members to know what is expected in their responses.

iVillage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 12:57pm

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but there are ways to say it that don't come across in an unkind manner.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 1:02pm
You aren't required to respond to me if you are a CL.Other support boards the CL doesn't respond to every discussion. I don't demand attention. I just want discussion, if some one feels like it, so I can maybe gain a new perspective.You assume I don't want to listen, I do, that's why I post and discuss. Maybe that isn't your opinion, but I do want to listen.Maybe talking about this will help some one, and if it doesn't, the other discussions are still here and I see about the same amount of traffic on them as before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 2:30pm

Please go back and re-read my post.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 6:24pm

Rayny

No offense, but you got blue in an uproar here. This is a sacred place where people heal and finally have the opportunity not to defend theirselves. Apparently you are healed enough and need to go on your way.

If you truly know abuse and how it destroys you, you would be playing what you think are discussions here. This place is for people that need to be able to spar with the best, but someone took that away from them.

At one time, when my defenses were in high keel, I thought I knew what was going on. It was denial. And when I quit defending and trying to justify myself, i learned.

So maybe, just have a seat and join us on our level

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 7:20pm
Thank you cam.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 7:52pm
What am I in denial about? What am I defensive of? I really want to know, no sarcasm, so I can evaluate myself. Because right now, I think I am on the same level as everyone else. I am just coming from a different perspective. I think just about every person has something to add to this discussion, we are all unique people with different styles of communicating and different ways of looking at things-that IMO does not automatically equal denial and defensiveness. If there isn't room for me here, I will accept that when I get kicked out of here for violating TOS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 8:32pm

Hi Rayny,

Now you got wish upset...geez. This board isn't about defending ourselves, it's about finding who we really are and what we love. I don't care that blue smokes cigars and wish has to iron all her clothes. What we care about here is the real person...the person that you could cuddle up with and have a glass of wine or a bowl of ice cream together while watching "The Sound of Music" or whatever. Everyone see the world in their own eyes, but here you have the privilege of understanding your life and make it work for you. We all have our own lives and many come from different parts of this wonderful world. You are just a small piece of it. That's why we love it. Like it or not, we can just delete you or you can join us....your choice. We would really like you to join us though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: rayny
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 9:25pm

Thank you Cam, you're a doll.

5yrssm