keeping boundaries?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
keeping boundaries?
9
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 12:54am

Hi,

I'd like advice from women who've managed to establish successful boundaries with their abusive ex. My abusive ex-husband has stalked me on an off and has threatened me on and off since the divorce several years ago. I used to think he'd lose interest in me, but so far that hasn't happened. I don't want to go into too many details, but he's really inappropriate all around. We have joint custody and I avoid him and don't mention my plans to the kids because when they know beforehand what we (or I) will be doing on a given day, then he shows up and that always feels awful to me, because I reexperience the feelings of pain and shame I felt during the time when I was living with him and going through the abuse.

After years of increasingly avoiding him, now I have a new issue: my daughter has joined a sport, and he's using her sports events as a time to sit next to me, pester me, and make me uncomfortable while I'm there to watch. I only go to the event if the kids are with me for that day. So when I'm at the game with my younger child he comes up to me from across the bleachers (I get there as late as possible and sit far away from him) and starts bugging me and then tries to engage our youngest child in play, so I have to sit there and feel trapped.

Any advice on how I can deal with this? No, I don't have a restraining order. I've been too scared to file one. Is that really the only way to go, or do I have other options? I think filing for a restraining order would get him really riled up and would actually put me in an even more dangerous situation. I spend a lot of energy trying to keep things as balanced as possible and to keep the conflict to a minimum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 12:09pm

I really had to double check to see if I had written this post myself! Or maybe we have the same xh - as brutal as that thought is, and scary.

I unfortunately do not have a magic answer for you but I can suggest a few of things I have tried to keep my boundaries firm with my xh who has no real notion of boundaries and what is or is not appropriate. It can range from calling me A LOT to just showing up places he knows I will be to at one point asking to kiss me!!! He is a complete freak and if you read my post from the other you will understand what I mean (he left a message of himself having sex on my VM). When I have to deal with him regarding the children I am very, very cold toward him - monosyllabic and poker faced, so I have no idea why he persists on crossing the line all the time. Fortunately I have full custody adn the power to limit his access to the kids (he went to jail for breaking into my house) and I try to go through his parents (whom I still love and know he is an a$$) if he wants to see them.
The best thing I did was speak to a domestic violence officer with our local police and before we would take the step of getting a restraining order he would go and have a little chat with him as a sort of warning and tell him to lay off or there will be a restraining order. This absolutley terrified me and I figured that he would go complelety ballistic, however, I realized that he was a complete coward, bully and excuse my french a chickensh#t that when confronted by a real man whimpered and ran with his tail between his legs. This worked for a good long while and I am considering this avenue again after the late night sex message! Talk to the police and see what your options are even if it is frightneing because dealing with this jerk doesnt sound like any fun either.

HTH,
Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:03pm

Thanks, Lisa.

I appreciate your advice and, yes, I read your post about the sex voicemail--really extreme!!! My ex used to try to get me to have sex with him for money after the divorce, but luckily I haven't had any such propositions over the past couple of years. Right now is mostly stalking-type behavior, but with the PTSD symptoms this behavior elicits, it's unbearable. However, to an outsider, his behavior at the moment probably doesn't LOOK as extreme as it FEELS inside to me, because of what happened in the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:47pm

Hi there....I used to be a CL on this board a year ago and now I'm over at the New Beginnings board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:17pm

Hi,

I am a survivor and just trying to gather the words on what to say. Wishful put them beautifully. I was married to a retired police officer for 30 years. I had to leave the state where I lived my whole life to get away from the stalking. I even had a RO for the last six years. I truly believe that I am lucky to be alive, the last couple of years were getting too close to actually something bad happening. If I had set boundaries from the beginning I doubt that I would have had to leave after 30 years, I don't even think I would have stayed the first year. Take care of yourself and the kids' mother, you matter and here is the best place to come for all the help you will need,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 1:42am
Thanks everyone for your responses, support, and advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:29am

Are you going to try to talk to someone about an RO or other such options? Even if you are not ready to make a decison yet. Since his new form of harrassment/initimation my PTSD has been triggered and I need to take some definative measures for my own safety and emotional well being so I am trying to work up the courage to call theDV officer again because of his current behaviour. Its frustrating to do all we can to rebuild our lives AFTER what they did to us AND still have to deal with the crap. If I get solid proof then my xh goes back to jail, however, I just started getting regular CS and it is so nice to have that extra bit every month that would be gone if he went to jail.

Keep us posted adn do try to talk to someone in the know.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:55pm
Yes, I am going to talk to someone knowledgeable, if only to find out what steps I need to take to document and prove what he's been doing. I just freeze up with fear when I think what might happen if I try to get help and then get slapped in the face by the system because I can't prove what he's doing. I want to find out how the system works, and then take the steps to make sure it works for me. Anything I say about him, I want to be able to prove so he can't use it against me. In the past he's done awful things to the kids and when I tried to do something about it, he just said I was making it all up to make him look bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 8:38pm
Have you looked at the website I referred you to? www.womenslaw.org to see what your legalities are? It will give you a general idea at least. Theres also more links in my website if you haven't looked at it already. My advice to you, document, document, document, document. It will just get worse and worse if it continues to remain silent.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 9:44pm
I think it's time to get a RO. You see, the RO does not literally work to keep him away from you- no piece of paper can do that. What it DOES do is alert the police that there is a problem, and show any who may not think it's for real that a judge thinks this guy is dangerous. It gives them legal grounds to arrest him for bothering you. Check out the links Wishful posted- they're a good starting place.
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