Kids and Xmas and my update

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Kids and Xmas and my update
4
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 2:01pm

Hi everyone,

Big hugs and support to all and thank you to those who are out for your continued support and wisdom.

I haven't posted an update in a while because there isnt much to update, which is very infuriating.  I was (is?) in an emotionally, mentally, pshychologically, but not physically abusive marriarge for many years.  I filed for D in July, but since then STBX has stopped all threats and is playing nice, fixing the house (mostly what he broke or renos started years before but never completed), showering the kids with gifts.  The verbal abuse has stopped mainly because I made it clear with my actions that his tricks weren't working anymore.  So although we are still under the same roof, we don't talk unless absoletely necessary and only about the kids.  This has given me, sort of, some distance to be me, and I do feel better about being me, as a worker, a mom, and just well me!

Thinking about Xmas has been really stressful. The agreement we signed (which was only to run a few weeks) states that we are not to talk about the D to the kids.  It's like they know but don't know.  I've been thinking about leaving for my mom's for Xmas eve and come back on the 26th.  Then I think, that may not be best for my kids and that might make STBX pissed, which will only make things worse.  Then I think that I can try and make it as much of a normal Xmas as I can, to not punish him, umm I mean the kids.   Well basically, when he can't make me pay, he makes the kids pay, by giving them the silent treatment or breaking his promisses to them, always making sure it's my fault.

This is where it gets hard and confusing for me, especially since there has not been any bullying (well besides what he is doing within the legal system) since he was served with D papers.  In August, he gave me a passport appliction for our son saying he wanted to go to a neighbouring country with the kids for a long weekend.  (Our DD's passport is valid)  I took the application, without a word and put it with the other important papers, including DD's passport, safe, outside the house, where he doesn't have access.  He has now been pestering me for the last few days to get DS's passport so we (when he says we, I want to puke) can go to this neighboring country for the Xmas holidays.  He has brought the subject up at least 6 times since Saturday and has engaged my son in his campaign.  I said I wasnt going anywhere, I said the kids were not going anywhere.  He said he would go with the kids, I said they werent going anywhere without me. He said he'd go with DS.  (He knows that DD will be sad and not feel safe without me, and DS is old enough to stay along while he goes out and does whatever it is he does till all hours fo the night)

 

Do threats have expiry dates? 

About 11 years ago (it was  before DD was born) he made the threat that one day I would wake up and he would be gone with our son and I would never see my son ever again.  In the threat he mentionned leaving for another country and there would be no way for me to get to him.  He did go with my son to this neighboring country, 7 years ago for a few days, and all had went smoothly. That threat is still very real to me.  STBX is capable of illictness, he travelled across borders illegally in the past.  I'm trying to handle this myself, without getting my lawyer involved.  But it is really getting to me, especially when I'm the bad guy and telling my son that he cannot go to a different country without giving him any real explanation.  We lived within a few hours drive of the border and STBX has illegally crossed that border before.

I don't know if my lawyer doing anything will really do anything, basically she would send a letter to his lawyer asking that STBXs stops (for now) planning on vacations with the kids outside the country.  I did some homework.  The kids do need a passport to travel, both parents must sign the passport application.  If they travel with only one parent, the other parent has to sign a letter stating that they know and agree that the child is travelling with the other parent.  One parent can bring the other parent to court if the other parent unreasonably refuses that the child travels with the other parent. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-1998
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:47pm

Hugs. You are doing the right thing by saying no this request. He may have forgotten his threat to you but I highly doubt it. And he may not act on it but I would bet he is planning this to get to you because he remembers the threat. I don't think you can chance what his motives are and should stick to your gut feelings about it.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 5:06pm

I was doing so great just focusing on me and the kids and ignoring that he lives under the same roof (fortunately he sticks to the basement and ignore me too) and then this vacation thing set me back with all it's subliminal guilt tripping and blaming (i.e. if we are not going on a fun vacation it's mommy's fault).  I cried yesterday, I hadn't cried in a long time.  It set me back questioning myself about my actions, questioning if I wasn't being nice to him.

But screw him, I AM being nice, nice to me and my kids.  The decision I have made are the best for me and my kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 9:50am
I wish I had advice. I find this frightening. Why exactly can't they vacation in the States? OR do as Mama Harmony suggests?

 

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 10:25pm

I think you ought to stick to your guns, and by all means, get your attorney involved.  That's what you are paying her for.  If nothing else, print a copy of this post you made and show it to her.  If you feel that your son is at risk for parental abduction, be the mama bear and protect him at all costs.  If hubby wants to go to neighboring country so bad, he can darned well do it on his own, preferably over Christmas, so that the three of you left at home can enjoy your Christmas in peace, doing exactly what you want, without fear of reprisal from the Grinch.

Mama Harmony