Kinda new here...need to vent
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 11:46am |
Hi everyone. I'm kinda new here but I think I posted once before. This morning, my husband was walking me to work and we got into an argument, but about what, I can't even remember and I told him he was like a friend of ours who treats his wife really badly and calls her names and threatens to hit her. My husband was holding his coffee cup and through it across the elementary school parking lot and it broke and then he said, "You don't know how bad I want to hit you right now." I kept on walking and then I stopped and started to go back home and said I wasn't going to go to work. My husband who has no job right now was begging me to go to work and that I needed to calm down because I was yelling that he shouldn't have threatened me like that. I stopped in the parking lot and then I started walking towards work and he followed and then I changed my mind again and decided that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to go to work. He then called me a quitter and a faliure and a b****. I just walked fast all the way home and when I got home and sat down in a chair on the porch that's when the tears started. I didn't want to go into the house with him because I was afraid that he was going to hit me. I'm trying to remember what he said on the porch. I know he talked me into coming into the house and when I got in there, I cried even harder. He told me to be quiet because he didn't want the girl who lives above us to hear me and have her call the police because we are arguing. I told him that she is moving out in two weeks anyway and then he says in a mean voice "Supposedly she is moving out". At one point I was sitting in the recliner in our living room and then I got up to do something and changed chairs. I told him that he acts like our friend and he yells and says he acts nothing like him. I said well he threatens to hit his wife and so do you. He got down close to me and just looked at me. Saying nothing to me. I told him that I couldn't even look at him because it was hard to look at him because of what he said to me. I grew up in a abusive household and I felt like I was reliving it again. I was reliving it again. He (my husband) says if you want me to leave, I will leave. I took off my shoes and went into the bedroom and just layed on the bed crying. I had laid there for about 10 min and he came in and said, "You haven't overdosed have you?" I'm on medication for depression and borderline personality disorder. I said no and he just stood there watching me. Then he said when do you want me to leave? I told him that I wasn't going to have any part of that decision. I said you can't even say your sorry to me and I told him that I felt like the smallest person on the earth and held my fingers not even a inch apart. I told him I was deeply hurt and he had really messed up with me. I laid there sobbing thinking of what I could do. There is a domestic violence shelter some where outside of the town I live in and I thought about walking to the crisis center and then going out there. I love my husband and I don't want to think of him as an abuser. In the end, we talked and he said he was sorry and it would never happen again and that he loved me very much and he would prove to me how much he loved me. I'm at the library right now typing this and he walked me here and I told him that he needs to think about his actions of this morning and he could have acted different. I also told him I wanted to be treated the way he wants to be treated. Like I said, I have posted on here before and you have been helpful and part of me wants to leave but it's hard. I told my husband that I know what he thinks of me, he thinks of me as a quitter and a b****. I do know what I need to do but like I said it's hard because I love my husband and we have only been married 5 months. I've already been divorced once and I'm only 27. Anyway, thank you all for reading. I just needed to vent.
Susan

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Hi Susan,
your husband sounds like my husband. We in our 30's married for six years and knew each other before that for a 1 1/2. My husband started out in the beginning being only verbally abusive towards me. Just like he called you that name but the verbal abuse gets worse over the years. I know for a fact that my husband came from a domestic violence home because his parents live with us now so i sense it now. I don't blame my husband for being the way he is, he followed his father's footsteps just like all kids do. My husband has a very bad temper. I mean he raises his voice on the most pettiest things, but it's not everyday sometimes. He even starts to get physical too when he's really mad and cannot help himself. I'm still with him we have two little boys and we love each other very much. My point is that it looks like he's started out with just the verbal abuse part, but from experience, it leads to physical abuse when he will and i mean will hit you just like mine does when he blames me for things and gets mad. He kind of taps me in the head first or tug my hair a little, grab my chin. It even got worse one night we argued and he came over to me and pulled me down the stairs and punched me on my cheek and then hit me hard on my head. I waited to call the police and had him arrested and put in jail for two days. We split for a whole month until to take him back and apologized to me for he did. He then never laid a finger on me. But then last weekend we argued again and he hit me on my upper lip and made a bruise. All i'm saying is that like they say they don't change but only get worse. But i'm hoping after this past weekend he couldn't believe he hit me. I told him that ONE MORE TIME HE DOES IT HE'S GONNA LOSE ME FOR GOOD AND IM NEVER GONNA TAKE HIM BACK. I'M HOPING IT DOESN'T.
Welcome to the board Susan....
I saw a lot of red flags in your post and it concerns me.
Hi nycmomof2,
Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry to hear what your going through. It seems like it's a never ending cycle. Yesterday, after I left the library, I went home and then me and my husband talked about things. He told me that he felt bad for what he did to me and that he shouldn't have threatened to hit me. I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but my husband grew up in a family that physically abused him and my husband kinda takes after his father. Well yesterday I told him to look at someone else in his family to take after them and he mentioned his grandfather that has passed on. I asked him how he would handle arguments with his wife and yesterday he told me that his grandfather would go out to his workshop and work on wood projects and then come back and talk to his wife when he had collected his thoughts and calmed down. I told my husband that maybe he should start doing that and he said he would. Today my husband is helping the company that we rent our apartment from and I walked up there to see if he could take a break and walk me to the library. This other guy that he is working with said "We haven't been taking lunch breaks." in a mean voice. I just stood there next to my husband and I was getting mad inside and then I walked away. I feel like I get so mad when I don't get my way. My husband isn't getting paid to do this work and he can't even take a break? It really upsets me. I took my anger out on my husband and said that I wasn't going to come home to him. He called after me and said my name a couple times. I just kept on walking. Then what happend yesterday came back to me and it really makes me depressed and I feel like I just want to go on with my life without him but that is hard to do. But I'll pray for you, ok? I wish you the best of luck with your husband.
Susan
I just always thought that my husband walks me to work because we like spending time together. It's not a control thing if that's what your thinking. It's my idea for him to walk me to work. And yes he is looking for work.
Cl-gonnabefine,
Thank you for the message. I just feel like I can't go on with my husband because of the way he treats me and I do feel tempted to go to the shelter but I don't know how I would go on with my life without my husband. I think about how everyone is going to look at us as a couple. People in my town would start to talk and rumors would fly. I know I'm making excuses but I also tell myself that it's not so bad everyday. But, how do I begin to start a new life without him because sometimes I feel that is what I need.
Susan
Thank you goddess_nellie79,
I needed someone to say that they will back me up whatever I decide. It's hard for me to think about living without my husband. My husband is a good man and he has his faults. Everyday isn't a bad day with him, we just sometimes have some misunderstandings that causes us to argue and he will call me names, but so will I. I can't put all the blame on him. Again, thank you for your message.
Susan
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