Ladies, please help (sorry so long)
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| Tue, 06-08-2004 - 4:39pm |
So he sat and pouted for a minute and I said “that’s alright then, I’m sorry. You go ahead.”
Later I had to go to a practice of mine since I am in a play right now. Before leaving, I went to see him in the computer room. I said “what’s the matter?” because he was acting so odd. Then he did his whole whine whine, feel sorry for me speech about how life is so hard, blah blah blah, and I listened. Then he said I shouldn’t have asked him in ‘that way’ to sit and watch a movie. What way? Well you see I should have said, “please won’t you sit and watch a movie with me?” because the way I said it wasn’t nice at all. Finally he decided that I just never understand anything, so he said, “just leave me alone.” I was so annoyed I sighed and started walking out, and he nearly lost his fricking mind over it. “Why do you always have to sigh like that?” he was screaming and freaking out. He freaked out about the way I asked him to sit with me!!! Yesterday he had a screaming fit because of shoes by the door. What the frick is the matter in his stupid head? I am losing it already!
Anyway, finally he was swearing at me, called me all sorts of names and topped it off with “I hope you die in a car accident on the way to your practice. I hope you die a really agonizing death. You are the stupidest retard in the whole world” He then proceeded to tell me how awful and mean I am to him and how I am never there for him. Finally, I told him that there was no helping him, and I should know because my major is Psyc. (haha!) So I left and when I returned he was the exact same moody moron I had left a few hours earlier. I asked him if he was ready to apologize and he said no because he doesn’t care and is fed up with me. Later when he calmed down, he told me I shouldn’t ask him for anything because he has nothing to give, and I have to learn to be more lenient. I told him how could I be when he is saying such terrible things to me? He refused to apologize to me til the bitter end.
This thing is so maddening. I do everything for him. I cook, clean, send out resumes for him, pay the house insurance, for groceries, for things for him, movies, etc. And he sits at home, all day long on the computer, and most of the time his day doesn’t start until about 2 pm when he wakes up. I have put up with emotional and physical abuse for a long time now, and this is my second run at this relationship. We broke up for a month (he broke up with me) in October and we started dating again because he actually acted like he had changed and suddenly wanted me when he heard I went on a date with someone else. (interesting, I know) But within about 3 months, he was back to this.
Tell me what is wrong with me for staying so long. I am 23, smart, pretty, intelligent (in everything but this!!!) and afraid to leave. I told him I was leaving once before and he made me feel so guilty and awful, he was crying and said “You are leaving me when I am at my worst,” and started taking a bunch of pills. I felt so guilty and responsible I promised I would never abandon him again. I am afraid he would kill himself and I couldn’t tolerate the guilt. Plus I do love him, I just don’t understand why he won’t be good to me. I am so nice to him all the time. What am I doing so wrong to deserve this?
I just feel brainwashed and confused all the time. I think, “Maybe it is because I did ____ and if I don’t do it again, he won’t be angry with me.” It’s maddening to me. He always tells me I don’t try at all, because he was abused by his father and he has to try so much harder than me, and his life is so much harder than mine and so on and so forth. I am just such a nice person, I don’t deserve this. I think, “maybe he’s right…maybe I don’t try hard enough, maybe if he had a job he would change,” etc. So I try harder and harder until I am drained. Every time he has a job, there is something wrong with it and he quits. Then he is moody, depressed and miserable to me for the next 3 months while he complains everyday about not having a job and sits at home all day expecting one to land in his lap.
Please ladies, tell me this isn’t my fault that he is that way to me. Tell me that I have done all I can for him but nothing works because there’s something wrong with him, not me. I flounder back and forth thinking it is my fault/his fault…it’s awful for me. I am starting to have anxiety attacks again, and I don’t enjoy myself in life anymore.
Please give me a little support. I am drained in everyway. I need someone to tell me this isn’t my fault and that I am doing all I can for him. I just feel like I’m failing as a good person. I feel like it’s my job to get him on track and I’m failing miserably.
I really need someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am taking crazy pills!!!!
StarKes

I dont usually respond to post because my life is so messed up right now. Who am I to give anyone advice? But I wanted to tell you NONE of this is your fault. You need to leave, take it from someone who has been there, it is not going to get any better it is only going to get worse. You are so young and have so much life still ahead of you. You deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, and tenderness. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much if not more than you love them. He is a free loader and he doesnt love you, if he did he wouldnt tell you that he hoped you would be in a car wreck. That is not love sweetie. Keep posting and keep reading, the ladies here are here for you. Just remember NONE of this is your fault.
Van
Hi Star, welcome back -
First off, I just want to let you know that several women here have heard the suicide threat.
CL-Blueliner4
I feel a little like Van in that it is hard to give advice when you are up to your eyeballs in your own mess but I had to comment because you are younger than me and I wish someone had said things to me years ago. I have to say I am learning alot about the dynamics of abuse and that is the key sweetie it was for me anyway. Knowledge will free you so read read read and listen, vent ask questions, you are not alone in this and you will be suprised as I was to hear your story in so many others.
My experience has been a little different which made it very hard to identify believe it or not ...my H takes no responsibilty for anything tv, we watch what I want and that's pretty much an example of our relationship I do it all I basically have control over everything...not your typical abuse patern but here comes the kicker when I bring up an issue (which happens often because he never makes any decisions or has an opinion)he will get p_____ off and low and behold a floodgate is opened and every tiny thing that has annoyed him or made him upset comes pooring out along with some foul language and numerous threats/name calling humiliation even violence etc etc and a general free for all at my expense!!
So I spend my time having the same mental battle that you do wondering if I can just do better, if I just don't say anything, if I just do it myself, if if if if there is nothing that will satisfy these guys the emotional healing they need CANNOT come from us. What they need we cannot give them and they are too blind to find it for themselves.
Star believe the ladies and me when we say this will not get better his needs will not be met and the longer it goes on the more intrenched you will be in this sick cycle. He knows how to manipulate you and he will try every old tactic while it works but BEWARE because when he see's its not working that's when he will try new tactics and that's when it can get way out of hand!! I am not trying to scare you but this man has show his thoughts ( i hope you die) is not love!
Keep reading, keep going, stay strong and if you can leave and do it soon!! If you don't its ok too when you are ready you will find lots of support here either way!!
(((HUGS)))) M
but hey! none of this is your fault and the really good news is that you're free to leave!
how cool is that? you just dump his a$$ and keep moving. that's how it's done.
and if he kills himself?
so?
he'll really be out of your life then, won't he? :)
geez, hon, this guy is just a barrel of laughs, ain't he?
dump him and mean it. he's pathetic.... the sniveling little wimp... (who probably watches porn on the internet and jerks off all day when he should be out getting a paycheck)
the point to love is to be with someone you're proud of who doesn't get off on being a jerk to his girlfriend.
please don't continue to stay with a man who abuses you. it's not smart.
You are so young and been in this relationship for so long-trust me it is SO much fun being 23 and single! You might miss the comfort of him, but after that passes I bet you enjoy life SO much more!!!