Ladies, please help (sorry so long)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Ladies, please help (sorry so long)
8
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 4:39pm
Last night, my boyfriend of 5 years (he has been abusive in everyway since about 6 months in) nearly drove me over the edge. Normally I am calm and don’t get easily irritated. Well, last night took the cake. I got home from work, and he for once had put on a smiley face and tried to be nice to me for about 20 minutes while we watched a bit of Jeopardy. Then, he said, “I’m going to go on the computer now.” I was annoyed because he is unemployed, so he sits on the damn thing from morning til night. So I said to him, “won’t you sit here with me and watch?” (I had just put a movie in) and he looked irritated, but that is nothing unusual for him.

So he sat and pouted for a minute and I said “that’s alright then, I’m sorry. You go ahead.”

Later I had to go to a practice of mine since I am in a play right now. Before leaving, I went to see him in the computer room. I said “what’s the matter?” because he was acting so odd. Then he did his whole whine whine, feel sorry for me speech about how life is so hard, blah blah blah, and I listened. Then he said I shouldn’t have asked him in ‘that way’ to sit and watch a movie. What way? Well you see I should have said, “please won’t you sit and watch a movie with me?” because the way I said it wasn’t nice at all. Finally he decided that I just never understand anything, so he said, “just leave me alone.” I was so annoyed I sighed and started walking out, and he nearly lost his fricking mind over it. “Why do you always have to sigh like that?” he was screaming and freaking out. He freaked out about the way I asked him to sit with me!!! Yesterday he had a screaming fit because of shoes by the door. What the frick is the matter in his stupid head? I am losing it already!

Anyway, finally he was swearing at me, called me all sorts of names and topped it off with “I hope you die in a car accident on the way to your practice. I hope you die a really agonizing death. You are the stupidest retard in the whole world” He then proceeded to tell me how awful and mean I am to him and how I am never there for him. Finally, I told him that there was no helping him, and I should know because my major is Psyc. (haha!) So I left and when I returned he was the exact same moody moron I had left a few hours earlier. I asked him if he was ready to apologize and he said no because he doesn’t care and is fed up with me. Later when he calmed down, he told me I shouldn’t ask him for anything because he has nothing to give, and I have to learn to be more lenient. I told him how could I be when he is saying such terrible things to me? He refused to apologize to me til the bitter end.

This thing is so maddening. I do everything for him. I cook, clean, send out resumes for him, pay the house insurance, for groceries, for things for him, movies, etc. And he sits at home, all day long on the computer, and most of the time his day doesn’t start until about 2 pm when he wakes up. I have put up with emotional and physical abuse for a long time now, and this is my second run at this relationship. We broke up for a month (he broke up with me) in October and we started dating again because he actually acted like he had changed and suddenly wanted me when he heard I went on a date with someone else. (interesting, I know) But within about 3 months, he was back to this.

Tell me what is wrong with me for staying so long. I am 23, smart, pretty, intelligent (in everything but this!!!) and afraid to leave. I told him I was leaving once before and he made me feel so guilty and awful, he was crying and said “You are leaving me when I am at my worst,” and started taking a bunch of pills. I felt so guilty and responsible I promised I would never abandon him again. I am afraid he would kill himself and I couldn’t tolerate the guilt. Plus I do love him, I just don’t understand why he won’t be good to me. I am so nice to him all the time. What am I doing so wrong to deserve this?

I just feel brainwashed and confused all the time. I think, “Maybe it is because I did ____ and if I don’t do it again, he won’t be angry with me.” It’s maddening to me. He always tells me I don’t try at all, because he was abused by his father and he has to try so much harder than me, and his life is so much harder than mine and so on and so forth. I am just such a nice person, I don’t deserve this. I think, “maybe he’s right…maybe I don’t try hard enough, maybe if he had a job he would change,” etc. So I try harder and harder until I am drained. Every time he has a job, there is something wrong with it and he quits. Then he is moody, depressed and miserable to me for the next 3 months while he complains everyday about not having a job and sits at home all day expecting one to land in his lap.

Please ladies, tell me this isn’t my fault that he is that way to me. Tell me that I have done all I can for him but nothing works because there’s something wrong with him, not me. I flounder back and forth thinking it is my fault/his fault…it’s awful for me. I am starting to have anxiety attacks again, and I don’t enjoy myself in life anymore.

Please give me a little support. I am drained in everyway. I need someone to tell me this isn’t my fault and that I am doing all I can for him. I just feel like I’m failing as a good person. I feel like it’s my job to get him on track and I’m failing miserably.

I really need someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am taking crazy pills!!!!

StarKes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 5:31pm
Welcome Star Kes,

I dont usually respond to post because my life is so messed up right now. Who am I to give anyone advice? But I wanted to tell you NONE of this is your fault. You need to leave, take it from someone who has been there, it is not going to get any better it is only going to get worse. You are so young and have so much life still ahead of you. You deserve to be treated with respect, compassion, and tenderness. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much if not more than you love them. He is a free loader and he doesnt love you, if he did he wouldnt tell you that he hoped you would be in a car wreck. That is not love sweetie. Keep posting and keep reading, the ladies here are here for you. Just remember NONE of this is your fault.

Van

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 5:57pm

Hi Star, welcome back -


First off, I just want to let you know that several women here have heard the suicide threat.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 10:22pm
Dear Star THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT he is a bottomless pit and nothing you do or say will change that!!!!!!

I feel a little like Van in that it is hard to give advice when you are up to your eyeballs in your own mess but I had to comment because you are younger than me and I wish someone had said things to me years ago. I have to say I am learning alot about the dynamics of abuse and that is the key sweetie it was for me anyway. Knowledge will free you so read read read and listen, vent ask questions, you are not alone in this and you will be suprised as I was to hear your story in so many others.

My experience has been a little different which made it very hard to identify believe it or not ...my H takes no responsibilty for anything tv, we watch what I want and that's pretty much an example of our relationship I do it all I basically have control over everything...not your typical abuse patern but here comes the kicker when I bring up an issue (which happens often because he never makes any decisions or has an opinion)he will get p_____ off and low and behold a floodgate is opened and every tiny thing that has annoyed him or made him upset comes pooring out along with some foul language and numerous threats/name calling humiliation even violence etc etc and a general free for all at my expense!!

So I spend my time having the same mental battle that you do wondering if I can just do better, if I just don't say anything, if I just do it myself, if if if if there is nothing that will satisfy these guys the emotional healing they need CANNOT come from us. What they need we cannot give them and they are too blind to find it for themselves.

Star believe the ladies and me when we say this will not get better his needs will not be met and the longer it goes on the more intrenched you will be in this sick cycle. He knows how to manipulate you and he will try every old tactic while it works but BEWARE because when he see's its not working that's when he will try new tactics and that's when it can get way out of hand!! I am not trying to scare you but this man has show his thoughts ( i hope you die) is not love!

Keep reading, keep going, stay strong and if you can leave and do it soon!! If you don't its ok too when you are ready you will find lots of support here either way!!

(((HUGS)))) M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:10am
Hi there, I'm a lurker and sendomly post. Your message is very interesting and here is my opinion on your situation of your boyfriend of 5 years. Since you say you do every thing for him from cooking to sending resumes and he's ungrateful why don't your quit doing every thing for him. He's a grown man, isn't he? He's blaming you for his issues; he's unemployed and his life is not a bed of roses. I assume you pay the rent and expenses but to top it all he tells you he hopes you die. Why are you with this man? Five years and still boyfriend/girlfriend?. Why do you allow him to treat you like thrid class citizen? Would you marry a man that treats you like this? Imagine when you're married, he'll live out of you. I'd move out and leave him behind, he'll sure will firnd another woman to blame for his problems and to have her support him. Grown men don't need to be taken care of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:38am
wow, what a jerk. he sounds like such a fool. just an incompetent, pathetic guy.

but hey! none of this is your fault and the really good news is that you're free to leave!

how cool is that? you just dump his a$$ and keep moving. that's how it's done.

and if he kills himself?

so?

he'll really be out of your life then, won't he? :)

geez, hon, this guy is just a barrel of laughs, ain't he?

dump him and mean it. he's pathetic.... the sniveling little wimp... (who probably watches porn on the internet and jerks off all day when he should be out getting a paycheck)

the point to love is to be with someone you're proud of who doesn't get off on being a jerk to his girlfriend.

please don't continue to stay with a man who abuses you. it's not smart.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:31am
hey, i just wanted to tell you this is not your fault. i know from expeirence. i thought the same things, i am 20 and in college studying law, used to model, and used to act. i got so drained from dealing with him that i quit everything but college (and i wanted to quit htat). i worked 2 jobs and took 18 credit hours, while he sat at home on the computer complaining the house wasnt clean or that i didnt have time for him. when i was home, he was in hte other room, threw a temper tantrum when i asked him to watch tv or a movie with me, etc. he told me i was stupid, fat (i am 115 pds and 5'7") the whole works. i would get the sob story about how he was abused by his mom, and how hard of a life he had, i had no idea, i had it easy, etc. when i finally kicked him out a month ago, he grabbed a meat cleaver and threatened to kill himself, then talked about us getting married. you will be much happier almost instantly after getting rid of him. a huge weight will be lifted off of your shoulders. but the choice is ultimately yours, and do what you feel is right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:50pm
This is definitely not your fault!! Your story sounds alot like mine except I'm a little bit older (27) and we've been together for 6 years. My BF has a job that pays him 4x as much as I make and of course this gives him the authority to tell me how I'm failing with my career and tell me if I just listened to him I would be alot more successful. I've been unhappy with my job and he noticed how upset I was and wanted me to talk to him about it, and of course I fell for it. What a mistake, his advice to me was to tell me that I was a good order taker, but not a real leader and not a decision maker??!!!! How in the world was that helping me. I've heard crap like this and worse the whole time we've been together. I'm so glad I found this board because I never knew I was in an abusive relationship and that I didn't have to put up with it. You should definitely try to get out as fast as you can. I'm making my plan now and I'm waiting to get my lease in the mail from my new landlord and I hope I'll be out by the end of July. Its been really hard making this decision, but its just what I need to do for me. Somedays I even feel guilty for leaving because I don't want to hurt him, but I just think of all the times he's screamed at me or called me names and how he never cared that he was hurting me. Definitely continue to post and vent here, it helps alot. And if you can, consider getting counseling for yourself to help you through. I know some days you can feel like you know exactly what to do and other days you feel so confused you almost feel like you're going insane!!Just continue to read and learn and listen to the ladies here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:45pm
if you ever go back and read my posts, i have gone through so MUCH of the same stuff. I also am a bit older, I'm 27 and my bf just had his 30th bday. I am in a "good" phase right now, after I took a big step and left for a week. This reminds me of everything I have been through to some degree. I also have no real advice, but it most definitely isn't your fault! We are in counseling right now, and at this point I can't decide if I really want to give it another shot, or if I've already checked out of the relationship. I love him and love being with him a LOT of the time, but the temper and the lack of understanding and care for my feelings was driving me nuts. The therapist seems to have enlightened a few things for him, but I can't tell if it is just out of fear of losing me or what.

You are so young and been in this relationship for so long-trust me it is SO much fun being 23 and single! You might miss the comfort of him, but after that passes I bet you enjoy life SO much more!!!