Last Night

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Last Night
8
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 2:27pm

Hello everyone, I need some good advice. My H has been "good" for about a month now. By good I mean not getting mad at me, not hitting.. you know, being what he thinks I want. On the other hand, he still is a bit moody, whining and totally lost about his future. He hates his job and even came home last Friday telling me he was going to quit. Then he did go to work yesterday telling me that "he needs to do the right thing" and that he will just find something else before quitting.

So now he wants to be a pilot and go to school to be a pilot. I support the idea of it, because he needs to do somethign with his life, but I am not sure how to help him achieve this goal.

So anyway, tomorrow is our 15 year anniversary and we went out to dinner on saturday to celebrate it. I didn't hold his hand when were out and then last night he kept trying to hug me, and I would not hug him back. He kept saying "don't worry, I'm not going to ask you for s ** you can hug me"

So then, out of the blue, he starts crying. I will make a very long story short for you because I don't want to bore you to tears but bascially he cried for hours, telling me how much he loves me, how much he needs me, how he can't stand "wasting time" and that he's so sorry for EVERYTHING he has ever done to me. That he has ruined me and he misses how sweet and kind I used to be (I'm not bitter, angry and yell at the time at him).

Then he said that all you have to do is pray and ask God for forgiveness and he's asked me for forgiveness a million times and I won't forgive him, he asked what makes me better than God to not forgive and that I hold his affair over his head. That I get a little power and love it.

I told him that is not true, its not the affair as much as the hitting and the way he makes me feel so bad all the time. He told me that I have done many hurtful thigns to him also and that I have demasculated him by going out with my friends (10 years ago) and dancing with other guys. He said that I have hit him also, scratched and bit (to defend myself mostly, but not always) and why can't we just get over everything and put it behind us.

I still want to leave him but feel tremendous guilt for hurting him. Should I stay? Should I give him another chance? I am so lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
In reply to: flowergirl112
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 11:58pm

have you ever talked to an advocate? they will help you find what you need to find to answer these questions for yourself...the national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - they'll give you the number to an agency close to where you live...take care of yourself and educate yourself on the stages in an abusive relationship and the tactics used by abusers.

God bless & stay safe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: flowergirl112
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 11:37am

We have a running line around here that there seems to be a manual that all abusers read, because they seem to all do the exact same things. This is Page 73, the "Sweet Baby Syndrome". He cries and begs and goes on and on about how much he loves you to get you to give him yet another chance, but he hasn't changed, and doesn't intend to. He wouldn't be trying to blame his behavior on you and make you feel guilty if he did.

Check out the board's website, accessible through the top of the start page, for tips on "How to tell if he is changing." Take a look at this thread also: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=25539.1&ctx=512

Ultimately, you have to be the one who decides whether or not to give him another chance. However, do so with the awareness that anything he says he will do will be temporary at best, unless and until he stops trying to blame his behavior on you and takes responsibility for his own actions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
In reply to: flowergirl112
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 11:41am
I actually have not spoken with a DV counselor. I will call, thank you.

Avatar for phoenixangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: flowergirl112
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 1:11pm
What a load of hooey from this manipulating guy. There are around a *thousand* months in a lifetime -- just cuz he =sorta= behaved for ONE of them doesn't really mean dinkus in the long run. I mean really, your gut instinct is clearly the right one: He's just onto another tactic to use you and it's all just "yadda-yadda-yadda." Don't let him suck you in *again* -- kick him to that curb!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
In reply to: flowergirl112
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 6:25pm
Today is our wedding anniversary (15 years). He sent me flowers for the first time ever. Instead of being happy and showing them off, I'm angry and annoyed. I didn't get him a thing for our anniverary because last year he didn't get me anything so I am so confused. I will be calling the DV counselor as soon as I can. Thanks everyone for listening. I just wish someone could pop in my body and do what I need to do, without me knowing (like Sam in Quantum Leap). I am finding that leaving (even though I want to) is so very hard. Not because I love him, but because I pity him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
In reply to: flowergirl112
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 7:15pm
Its so nice to read what others are going through because I do feel ike I am the only one who is going through this. The fact there is a "manual" surprised me. Thank you for being so suportive. I read the link you sent me and he is still in the "not changing" mode. Oh, some of it looks like he's changing but he's not. I dont know, even if he is, I don't want to be with him. I wish I was one of those girls who could just say "I'm done with this relationship" and leave. Unfortunately, I feel such guilt and so much repsonsibility for him, its frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
In reply to: flowergirl112
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 3:57pm

Hello!

I apologize, I'm new to this board! I saw that you replied to my message, I read it. I then logged out(I was at work, they wanted me to do stuff. the nerve of them.lol) I tried to go back in, and couldn't find it for some reason.

I remember something about your mom watching the kids, and going to see a counselor/support group. I think that's excellent. Taking a time out as it were will help you. I was going through my stuff, one of my best friends gave me good advise. She'd been in an abusive relationship herself. Going to people in the group, or a counselor will help you gain objectivity and support. Never forget that you were put on this earth for a reason, and God has a plan for you. Don't allow anyone to violate your dignity, or diminish your purpose.

I'm proud of you! I'll keep trying to find your reply...If I can't find it, I'll be posting to you next week. Feel free to post!

Best Regards,

Blessed girl

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
In reply to: flowergirl112
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 5:43pm
Thank you for being so sweet and supportive. I know what you mean about work. Its the only place I can get on the board though. No way can I log on from home.