Learned of abuse in the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Learned of abuse in the past
3
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:29pm

I was just told by a very reliable person that my boyfriend of 3 years abused a former girlfriend of his approximately 11 years ago. Apparently it went on for about 1 1/2 years. I had never heard anything like this about him before. He has never been abusive toward me. He has said some very hurtful things a couple of times when he was mad. I have only seen him extremely upset once and he did yell and scream at me for a few minutes then. He is not controlling or jealous. I know his former wife, and to my knowledge there was no abuse in their marriage, but of course I don't know that for sure. He is 50 years old, so this would have happened when he was around 39. The girlfriend was apparently quite a bit younger than him.

This news has left me stunned and confused. I've always read and heard that abusive men don't change. Is this true? I've never had any dealing with this before. Should I be worried? Should I ask him about it? It was so long ago, I don't know if I should bring it up??? Do any of you have any insight into this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 10:46am
It would be suspicious that someone said the abuse went on for a year and a half. Do you find yourself 'walking on eggshells' to keep him happy? Are there topics that you have to avoid with him? Are you tailoring your behavior/conversation in any way when you deal with him? Or is any topic all right? If you find yourself being very careful in what you do and say with him then maybe there is a problem here. Only you know how free and open things are between you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:01am

Welcome, silver.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 3:29pm

Ask the ex wife if you are comfortable talking to her about it? Did the person give you any details. My ex husband abused physically and emotionally his last girlfriend of 10 years. When we first got together, outside of mood swings he didn't leave for the night or get physical until the end of our marriage. Some abusers can keep the good front up for a long time. I would so some investigating of your own in to his past. My ex always denied abusing his ex girlfriend, but I know very good people who have seem him put her face thru a china cabinet and also pull her out of a car by her hair. I wish now I would have listened when I was warned of his previous abuse.

Women rarely lie about being abused. Most of us who were are ashamed about it and it would be rare a person would lie about it because of that.

-Jennifer