Learning to live again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Learning to live again
5
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:32am

I have not posted here in a while but I have been having lots of thoughts that I wanted to share and maybe get advice from those of you who have been in the same situations.

I left my abuser in November of 2005 but did not get out from under his control until March of 2006. Even though I knew no contact was the best way to go, I continued to let him talk to me and would feel the old guilt and shame take over and feel sorry for him. I began to realize that despite the fact that I had my own apartment, that being in contact with him meant that I still did not have my own life. And he was doing everything in his power to try to get me back. As I began to assert a little more independence - going and doing things on my own and spending time without him (heaven forbid) - he became more and more frightening. On one occasion when he was at my apartment he threw knives at me from my kitchen because I was saying something he did not like. On another occasion I was at his home and he refused to let me leave - he lay on the hood of my car so I could not go and I had to call the police twice to be able to leave. The crazy thing was that this seemed normal to me at the time. I still continued contact. He came over the next day and took all of the jewelry he had ever given me - screamed and yelled at me and left. He made phone calls to my home screaming that I never listen to him while I curled up in a ball on the floor and cried and begged him to stop. I was afraid to get off the phone though because he threatened to come over and deal with me if I did. And as scared as I was there was still this piece of me that felt like I deserved it and felt sorry for him and blamed myself for his insane behavior. He would call me over and over again until I picked up the phone. Sometimes he would call as many as 30 times until I fianlly broke down. I'd tell him to leave me alone and he'd tell me if I didn't listen that he would come here and I'd finally break down and listen out of fear that if I did not do what he wanted it would just get worse. The final straw took place one day in March. I was at his home and he was being his usual impossible to please mean and nasty self. I just could not face another day of this anymore. I told him I was going home and that I'd call him later. He freaked out. He got behind my car so I could not leave. I finally drove over the lawn to get away. He ran out in the road and stood in fromt of my car and threw a lighter at me. I dropped it on the road- swerved around him and took off. He got into his car and followed me to my home. At one point he got me to pull over at a convenience store. I begged him to stop and go home. He kept screaming at me that I would not talk to him. I told him all I wanted was to go home and he said that was not talking to him. I was finally able to get back on the road and he followed me all the way home. He raced me and pushed his way into my apartment and said he would not leave unless I called the police. So I took the phone and dialed the police. He pulled the phone out of the wall. I went into my bedroom and got the emergency cell phone that I had gotten from domestic violence. He grabbed me and pushed me. I got the police on the phone and they had me lock myself in my car because they could hear him screaming at me.

And believe it or not I may still have forgiven him if it were not for a wonderful and caring police officer who sat me down and asked me over and over if this was the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life. And though it was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done, I finally pressed charges against him and got myself an order of protection. It was what I had most dreaded doing to him. I can't belive that there is still some part of me that thinks of it as doing it to him. But what I have learned is that it was the best thing that I have ever done for me. I have freedom now. I have a life without fear now. He has not conteacted me since March and cannot legally contact me until next May. And while I know there are some men who do not respect these orders - for me it seems that he finally rested the fact that he could get into real legal trouble and thank god he has chosen to leave me alone.

I share this with you because I want other women to know that as frightening and terrible as it is to try to get away - it can be done. I never thought that I could live through this. And let me share this too. I do not feel guilty anymore. What happened was his fault. He chose to behave abusively and to commit a crime against me. I did not do that - or make him do that. It was his choice as were all of the other things he did to undermine me and my confidence in myself. It was his choice to be cruel. It was his choice to hurt. It was his choice to deny me freedom and a life. But he does not get to do those things to me ever again.

I once thought that I could not live without this man. Now I cannot imagine ever allowing him to see or speak to or touch me again. The thought gives me the creeps and nightmares. I know now that there is real life out in the world. Life with friends and people who love me and whom I love. People who know what love is - not abusive charmers who can say the words and not show love in actions.

And every woman deserves the freedom that I have found. Freeing yourself is one of the scariest things imaginable. I did not think that I could survive the process. I cried every single day for months. I lived in terror of his reaction. But I did it with the help of a few very good friends, family and the police.

I'm not sure why today is the day I have chosen to share this. But it feels right to share it and I hope it can make someone in a similar situation feel the hope needed to get out. We all deserve the lives we want. No one in the world has the right to take our lives from us.

Thank you for letting me share this.

Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:10am
medemeter...this is such a wonderful message and a testament to your growth and strength. What hell you went through with that abuser. I've heard a lot of stories of what can happen in the aftermath of these relationships and yours is a doozy. You have so many reasons to be proud of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:13pm

Hi Kristina,

All I can say is wow... You give these women all kind of hope when they will read your story. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. I got shivers when I was reading your story.. I totally feel for you. I don't know what you went thru and only you will ever know. In relationships everyone says the only people that know what went on are the 2 people in it... but in abusive relationship the abuser is so screwed up that they think it's okay to treat you like that.

I just got out of an abusive relationship about a month ago. Abusers are so difficult, and I didn't realize until last night that there is 10 types of abusers out there. I used to think everyone was the same and just some of them were more violent than others. I guess all the victims know somewhat of what others went/are going thru - the manipulation, controlling, jealousy, selfishness, don't respect you.... but they all have a different way of doing things... Makes you think we're the crazy ones!!

Again.. I applaud you for posting your story. It shows how difficult it can be, but eventually you will realize after months of heartache that it was the only option. That is why I love the saying "If you want the rainbow, you gotta get through the rain"

If he abuses you he doesn't respect you. If he respects you he doesn't abuse you.
(This saying totally opened my eyes. My abuser would always tell me that I don't respect him.. but I never understood what he meant. I was the only respecting him?? But over time I opened my eyes and realize what kind of relationship I was in. He switched it around like he always did to blame it on me, and not take any responsibility.)

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:49am

Hi Kristina. I'm very happy for you that you left him. Thank you for sharing your story. One thing I want you to understand is that even though you are away from him and want nothing to do with him, you could very easily end up with another man with similar abusive traits unless you take the necessary steps to work with someone to understand why you chose him in the first place.

Sadly, too many women (and men too) and end up in another abusive situation without understanding why.

Callie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:38am
What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing! :D
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:28am

Hi Lauren. I'm glad to hear that you were able to get out too. Abusers do make us think that we are the crazy ones. I know that before I got out I doubted myself about everything. I was willing to take the blame for everything. I would do anything to keep things calm - to keep him for getting angry with me. But there was this tiny piece of me - hidden very deep inside - that refused to believe that I was wrong - that saw that he was abusing me. That tiny piece questioned his reality - the reality where things would be better if only I treated him better, loved him more, gave him more sex, never disagreed, always listened and acted the faithful handmaiden - or whatever else it was that he wanted from me at the time.

Now that tiny piece of me has been able to blossom and grow and I am able to see things as they really were within the relationship. It gives me the shivers to think that my life was really like that - day after day for six and a half years.

I hope everyone can gain some hope and knowledge that life does not need to be filled with abuse - that we are all worth more than this and deserve lives where we are free to be ourselves, without fear, and able to make the choices that bring us happiness and fulfillment.

Kristina