learning to trust?

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
learning to trust?
10
Sun, 10-23-2011 - 10:09pm
I responded to another post with this but am not sure if everyone will see it so starting a new topic to see what others think:

What if we are looking at this wrong? What if we are trying to hard to heal? What if the person who helps us get past the past has to teach us how to trust again? But we are to caught up thinking we need to be able to simply trust and that isn't possible? I know it would be asking a lot from someone but I want someone to give me proof they deserve my trust. We have been though a lot and maybe trust with someone we want to be with won't happen till we find the one who understands and gives us reason to trust?

My ex tried to kill me and up till that night I trusted him not to go that far. There were a few other things he did that I didn't think he would do so my trust in people is real low because now I feel anyone is capable of doing anything. I am really wondering if sadly to trust I will need to find people who can teach me trust again

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sun, 10-23-2011 - 10:23pm

Healing...if we look at our wounds as we would look at a skinned knee or cut finger...we cannot just tell it to heal and it be healed...it takes time for the wound to close up and re knit the skin back where the injury was...yet our emotions and mental health we expect to look at it and say "oh well it is all over so now I am healed"...never allowing the needed time for the damaged area to knit back together. Depending on how deep the cut in the skin is will determine how long it will take to heal...the same goes emotionally and mentally...the deeper the damage the longer it takes to heal...

Trust is something that needs to be earned...whether you were voilated before from someone you trusted or not. If we watch a child, or a dog. They instinctivly know who is untrustworthy and will avoid that person and will willingly trust those who are worthy of their trust. Somehow as adults our instincts are all messed up and we cannot really decyper who we can and cannot trust. Therefore my words of wisdom to anyone having to struggle with who to trust and who not to trust...have that person earn your trust before you freely give it away...yet be cautious...we tend to give sencond, third, tenth chances thinking that person should somehow manage to earn that trust you so much want to give to them. MAYBE a second chance to allow for ignorance but once the second chance is blown we need to wake up and realize that person is UNTRUSTWORTHY no matter what.

JMHO

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-23-2011 - 10:27pm
I love ur analogy of a cut on skin and think it fits.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Sun, 10-23-2011 - 11:16pm

I saw your note to the other thread, and I agree with you that we can't heal from a lack of trust of others (which I tend toward) without encountering people we can trust. For myself, I think I need to pay attention to my feelings and not allow "red flags", or even flags that are yellow or orange, to pass. Then I can move on to people who are more trustworthy. I don't expect to trust others quickly.

I was taught, growing up, not to rock the boat. This resulted in a tendency to allow others to treat me poorly, and then also to mistrust people. I tend not to react until factors have built up, and then to either overreact or even to underreact. Lately, my thoughts are that defining and keeping boundaries from the beginning, I can probably do a lot toward reversing my chances of being the victim of lies and secrecy that reinforce my tendency and my habit

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 9:19am

I so agree that trust is earned .. I also think that when someone is abused its like the dog and the stick analogy.. That dog that was beaten with a stick will never forget.. Lets say the dog does not get beaten for a very long time..Then one day someone just raises the stick in the air above the dog's head. The immediate reaction and memory in the dog's psyche will remember the beatings no matter what.. Even if a long time has passed since the dog was beaten.. The dog doesnt trust once again.

I dont think I can trust anyone unless they prove they are trustworthy... So I keep my guard up at all times.. This most likely limits me to keeping my heart and psyche open.. I cant help it because I dont want to feel vulnerable.. Although at times I will admit I will be vulnerable when I think its safe. I use my gut and intuition to guide me on that one. I must say that what

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 10:08am
I know I'm coming from a different perspective here, but it might be similar to some. I know in my group therapy for survivors, I was always looked at as the odd man out because when trust and boundaries would come up, I had a distinctly different view. I trust people. I let people in. And, i refuse to let any amount of pain and harm caused to me by my abusers in my past destroy that eternal optimism and feeling that people are innately good. I just can't let myself go down that rabbit hole being suspicious of everyone and distrustful. I know it is the one thing I can hold on to, and I think I would end up loosing the last little bit of my sanity and what makes me uniquely me, if I were to allow myself to think that way. I like being the "Polyanna." And, I think it would be giving in and really letting myself be victimized over and over again by the past abusers, if I were to give up trusting people from the very beginning. I definitely think people can do things that make me no longer trust them, but every conversation I start with the notion that this person is good, honest and trustworthy.
Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 11:26am
I'm so confused. If I view the board though my phone I can't see chippers reply but if I go though the email notification I can see it. I hope others can see it! Wanted to say I see nothing wrong with how you see this. I wish I could be that way! I hate not trusting people but don't see it as something I can just get over. I understand what others are saying about earning trust and agree but for me I want to look at it ad someone teaching me how to trust again and hopefully I have found the one who can and will do that.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 9:03pm

This will make the third time I have tried to post to this discussion and both times before *POOF* just as I was about to post.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2011
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 7:45pm
I am new to iVillage and am going through a similar thing. Do I have to be a community leader to create my own message board? and also how can i send someone a direct message if i want to chat with them 1 on 1? Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 10-28-2011 - 10:42pm

Do you want to start a whole board, or just a thread where you can post your thoughts and we will offer ideas and support? If you want to start your own thread, click here: http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Recognizing-Dealing-with/ct-p/iv-rldomesting, then click on Start a Discussion.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 10-29-2011 - 8:32am
Hi oneday, and welcome to the board and to iVillage. No, you don't have to be a community leader to start a thread on a discussion board. Simply click on the link at the top of the opening page as geoteo told you. With almost 1200 boards, it very likely that iVillage already has a board that you would find the answers you seek on it. However, if you feel they can't meet your needs in that respect, feel free to drop them a note and tell them your idea. As for 1 on 1 chat, that can be done through private messaging, see that option on the upper right hand corner of the page under "Quick Links". Just a note, however, I've found that posting on the board is a much better way to get a wide variety of viewpoints to your post. At least on this board. And I will warn you - you may not like some of what you are told, or the tone in which it was spoken, but it is generally the truth. This board is for people who are still involved in an abusive relationship, who are seeking a way out, or who have already gotten out and are rebuilding their lives. Things aren't always sweetness and light around here, and we can address some very hard issues. It is for this reason that I encourage everyone to "keep it on the board" and not go to private messaging. There are several reasons for this, the foremost being that you never know WHO, and WHAT THEY SAY, will end up being what helps you the most. We're glad to have you, but we're sorry for the reason. Hugs and welcome.

Mama Harmony