Left 4 weeks ago-He's still bothering me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Left 4 weeks ago-He's still bothering me
3
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 12:32pm
I left the house four weeks ago and he was served with divorce papers three days later. He was distraught-"didn't see it coming" Since that time he goes on and on about how he is a changed man. He has gone to see a therapist but the story he told sounded like he didn't know how to express his love for me. The therapist reccomened couples counseling and to try to talk to me about how repentent he was. Funny...everyone I talk to labels his bhavior as abusive not trouble with communicating!

He won't stop his attempt to make things work. He is now saying that I have given up, that I am the one who is ruining our sons cahnce at having a family. That I will regret my decision in the future. He believes that someone is making me do this and that my family is against him. That we want to bring down the 'lowly immigrant' I have told him over and over that I am too hurt. That I am proud of his attempt to figure out what is wrong with him BUT I have been hurt and lost all trust and love. I ahve told him outright that I DO NOT love him. Yet he continues to buy me flowers and act as though we are going to get back together. He tells me that I am doing this for revenge to nurture my ego. Where does this guy get off!!!

Should I just not talk to him anyore except about our son? Should I write down in a letter that it is over ...no chances in the lifetime? HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 1:33pm
His son still has a family. It is his choice whether to see his son or not. He could see him regularly if he was comitted to his son. But it sounds like he just wants to use his son to guilt you into coming back to him. If he was truly concerned about his son, he would focus on making the best of this new situation for his son. His therapist probably just heard his side of the story. Probably with the information he gave the therapist, anybody would conclude it was a communication issue, I'm sure he didn't bring up any of the abusive things he did to his therapist. He's not really trying to get help, he's just using the therapist to manipulate you into coming back. If he really wanted help, he'd tell his therapist the truth and take responsibility for his actions. And probably go to an abuser group class. The whole situation with the flowers and the whole thing just sounds manipulative. I am kind of in the same situation, the dilemma of to talk to him or not, I just take it one day at a time. I don't talk to him about anything but the kids, if he talks about us or whatever, I may listen if I'm in the mood, I don't know why, but usually I just cut him off and hang up. Then I'm figuring out it's just a waste of time. So I basically just do what I feel like and I feel like talking to him less and less.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:37pm

I can relate sort-of.


He'll say anything to make you think he's changed. He'll play the part of "a changed and better man" until you give in. Then some time will pass and you'll be stuck (yes I said stuck) with the same person you were stuck with before. My STBX has said many of these same things that you list that your H has said. You can break free - you are capable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 1:00pm

The thing with abusers is that they DO NOT change.