Left but Feel Threatened

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Left but Feel Threatened
3
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 4:04pm
I left my husband two weeks ago. I haven't spoken to him or seen him since we met at the attorney's office to file for divorce. We didn't sit in the same office together. I could feel his anger as I walked in the waiting room, and immediately asked to be moved to another area to wait on the attorney. We agreed to a non-contested divorce and settlement of property. I am staying with relatives who live about 4 streets away from my old house where my ex is staying. What I am worried about now is that I talked to my former mother-n-law (we are still close) and she said that my ex is very depressed and won't leave the house. He is acting paranoid. Of course, I told her that I couldn't do anything for him, but to please encourage him to talk to someone. I am worried that he is going to do something to himself and to me. When we separated before, he called constantly, came over to the house, and tried to get me to come back. I'm glad he's not doing it this time, but it scares me that he may be planning something. I hate being so paranoid but he has made me this way. Should I be concerned? What happens once they come out of the depression? He went from anger to depression -- what's next? I plan to leave town before the divorce is final in October because I fear the closer it gets, the more freaked out he'll get. After all, I spent nearly 12 years of my life with the man, and this two weeks is the longest we have been apart. I feel freer than I have in years, but I'm still looking over my shoulder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:23pm

Hi Cindy -


This isn't that unusual.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 5:03am
I went through the same thing, but this paranoid feeling does go away. Each day, it will get better.

I used to worry that my ex was plotting something too, and I would get myself all scared. But really, men who act this way, for the most part, do not have the cognitive ability to plot much of anything. I think we give them WAY too much credit.

In fact, for the most part, most men who act this way, are just impulsive and reactive. That is why after a brutal fight, they can blow it off as if nothing happened the next day, and they are blaming the situation.

These guys are out of control, and can not think straight. Don't give this guy any more power over you.

The only exception, and when I would feel really threatened, is if in your heart of hearts, you really intuitively beleive that this guy is a psycho path, and the type of person who fantasizes about brutalizing women. This is a small percentage. Since domestic violence, (or mental abuse, etc) is so common, I would not automatically think that this guy has the attention span, or the smarts to actually plot anything.

I am glad that you are still close to your mom-in-law. I tried to be close to mine too in the very beginning, but later, cut off all contact, as the more and more I talked to her, the more I realized she was condoning her son's behavior, and just expected everyone else to put up with it. I later found out that she was aware of her sons problems, before we even met, and when I brought it up to her, she totally lied and made excuses. When I told her about what was going in the marriage, she was more concerned with me not telling anyone, then actually getting the situation rectified. I guess she knew it was hopeless, and that her son was an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 7:51pm
Thank you. No word from him yet. I am leaving town in mid-October, so I will be where he cannot find me in case he freaks as the divorce becomes final. I think you are right -- he is trying to mess with me. I am just feeling "free" and don't care what he is going through. His mother is worried but she isn't pressuring me to contact him or do anything about it. I am not telling her any of my plans.

Thank you for your help during this difficult time. I'll stay in touch.

Cindy