Length of time to feel safe
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:56pm |
After someone leaves a domestic situation, how long does it take before you begin to feel safe? I live on pins and needles with my husband. He hasn't hit me often, and he doesn't beat me, but there is a lot of verbal abuse and he's taken to hitting me a little more often lately.
He tried to rape me two weeks ago. It was terrifying. The only reason he didn't is because he is not strong enough and I fought hard. Anyway, Saturday night I upset him and he punched me in the eye. I am sporting a very nice black eye and it hurts like heck. I have alot of makeup so it doesn't look so bad but I'm still upset over it.
Of course he apologized for two days and begged me not to leave him. He told me that he would never do it again and if he did, I had his permission to leave. The problem I am finding is that he doesn't hit me often but when he does, well, it seem to be escalating.
I know I "ask" for it with my mouth (I tend to scream at him and yell mean things to him) but I can't seem to control my temper with him anymore. I honestly cannot stand him. and yet, and yet, I can't seem to get the courage to leave. Not because I'm afraid of him, not because I don't want to be alone (I DO) but because I feel sorry for him.
Anyway, when I do leave (which I will, I have to) how long will it be before I feel safe again?

Pages
First off, there is a difference between abuse and reacting in frustration. What you are doing is the latter. You are not "asking for" anything. Besides which, I really do not see how it is possible to "ask for" a rape attempt and a black eye.
You need to get out, as you seem to realize. In terms of how long it will take to feel safe, that is as long as it takes to BE safe. There's no real timetable for how long it will take him not to stalk you, etc. It will take as long as it takes; you just need to do everything possible to ensure your safety.
First off, there is a difference between abuse and reacting in frustration.
So technically he isn't abusive? Its just that he doesn't hit me very often, except for lately. And I am afraid of him, kind of like i was afraid of my father, when I was growing up. If I mess up I'll get in trouble.
I just don't want to live with someone who hits me. And the problem is that he is now telling me he thinks there is something wrong with him and that he thinks I'm poisioning him. I am beginning to wonder if there are other issues going on here. I just am biding my time until I get the nerve to tell him I'm moving out. But I worry about him and I'm scared for him. I don't know. Thanks for listening.
Also, sometimes I think they turn into hypochondriacs for sympathy.
strong
Hi.
I left my ex-husband in November 2001, and I still get chills when I see a vehicle like his on the street. I don't know if I'll ever really get over the "fear", but knowing that my kids are safe really makes all the difference in the world. I felt sorry for my loser ex-husband too, like you, but there comes a time when you have to feel sorry for yourself, and get the heck out of that relationship. Believe me, it is the absolute hardest thing to do, to actually get up and leave.
But wont it be nice to not have to cover up black eyes anymore?
By the way, you are not "asking for it". My 10 year old kid is a mouthpiece and yells at me all the time, not once have I ever raised my hand to him.
I think that you have every right to scream and yell and defend yourself, but getting out of the relationship might give you enough peace to stop being angry.
Good Luck, and please love yourself. These guys could kill us, literally. I was told the last time he beat me, by my doctor, that one more blow to the head could kill me, so if I didn't leave, I would die.
I wish it didn't have to come to that point, but it did.
I love being free, I love myself now. I want that for you.
Keep posting...
Sarah
QUESTION: How long does it take to feel safe? ANSWER: As long as your abuser is still alive. Abusers have serious personality/mental problems, and they can NEVER be trusted not to strike again.
The physical abuse you are experiencing WILL escalate. You have two choices: get out while you still can, or end up beat to a pulp or dead.
You did not mention if there are children involved, I pray there are not. If there are, they are in just as much danger as you are.
Your past experiences with the abuse from your father set the stage for you choosing a man who abuses you. It's all part of the chain of an abuse. You will not want to hear this, but if you get away from your husband, the odds are that the next man you choose will also be an abuser. The only way to break the chain is for you to get counseling and learn about yourself and how to break free of being a victim.
Right now, the number one priority is for you to get away from your husband....and unfortunately as long as he knows where you are he will continue to stalk you. The only safe way is to move to another area and make sure you use a P.O. Box, have an unlisted telephone number, and that anyone who knows where you are keep it completely confidential. I know nothing of your personal situation, but if you have anyone (family/friends) in another area that you can stay with until you find a job and get your own place, then do it, and do it asap!
I used to feel sorry for my abusive husband too...until I learned through counseling all about abuse, why I choose him in the first place and why I stayed so long. I am still on a personal journey of discovery and will continue on that path for the rest of my life.
You are the only one who can do something to help yourself. Whether or not you will depends on your self-worth, and since you were raised to believe you aren't worth a hill of beans, it will be difficult to break away. BUT, that being said, you can do it! Start counseling NOW, even if you haven't the strength or means to leave him yet...and NEVER reveal to him you are getting counseling.
Victims of abuse are mental/physical prisoners of war and have been tormented and brainwashed. Reversing the damage is possible, but it takes a professional counselor to help the victim break free. Living in a dysfunctional environment reminds me of the movie, Poltergist, it is a very convoluted vortex of emotions that sucks in the victims. The world of dysfunction is so opposite of a non-dysfunctional environment that just having someone "tell" you to leave is like hearing it a foreign language. And its all because of the brainwashing. Children who grow up in an abusive situation think their environment is "normal" and that everyone lives that way. It is so destructive that it amazes me the perpetrators are not locked up for life and the key thrown away. Children who live in a non-dysfunction home spend their days being "kids" and enjoy the normal childhood games...their days are not spent learning how to survive the war zone they have to face at home every day. It's a miracle that anyone from a dysfunctional home life ever survives, but we can and we do!
My abuser has no idea where I live or work, but that doesn't mean I will let my guard down. The world is not so large that someday, somehow I may not run into him again.
My heart goes out to you.
You have frightened me. I know he is abusive but its rare. Its not like he hits me everytime, its usually when I egg him on. And I get so mad at him. I don't love him, I just feel sorry for him. He has nobody. I have actually been posting on the should I stay or should I go board until he scared me so badly the other week. I mean, he's hit me before, but never like this. I mean, it seems to be escalating and that is what I think frightened me.
I think the fact he hit me in the face woke him up also. He says he didn't mean to hit me in the eye, he meant to hit the bed. But here's the thing, I feel like it was okay for him to hit me and give me bruises all over my body, as long as I could cover them up. About four years ago he cracked a few of my ribs. I was in pain for quite a while after that one. Then he didn't hit me until a few months ago when he ended up pulling me out of my daughters bed by my hair.
When he gets mad at me, usually he just breaks my things, rips my clothes. I even asked him once why he just can't punch holes in the wall like other guys do. No, he rips and breaks my things.
Yes, I have two children ages seven and nine. They have seen very little of the physical action, they just hear me screaming at their dad all the time so they think that I am the bad guy here. Its just weird how he mumbles under his breath all the time so only i can hear him and then when I lose my temper and start yelling at him, he seems to always be in teh same room with the kids.
I have been to two counselors and they can't explain to me why I feel more sorry for him than I do myself. I stopped going to the last counselor because she told me that I just have to do it. I have had this apartment for three weeks and I still have not moved out because I'm so worried he'll hurt himself.
I don't worry he'll hurt the kids, he's never even spanked them. He said that to me. He said "if you were so worried about me hitting, you wouldn't ever leave the kids with me" and I told him that I don't worry about the kids, he only seems to hit ME and ruin MY stuff.
I just go home everyday and pretend nothing is wrong. Easter is here and again, I pretend nothing is wrong. I just go on with my life dreadfully unhappy, reading all your posts and great advice and so jelouse I havne't made the move. I am so angry with myself for being this way.
You are right though, I grew up watching my dad beat my mom up all the time. He was an acoholic and smacked her around routinely.
Thank you all for writing to me, for encouraging me and for not judging me. I'm just so lost.
Flower, I can tell you one thing for sure:
I am glad I scared you...I would hope it would serve as a wakeup call.
The reason the counselor was of no help is because that was a lousy counselor. You need a counselor who specializes in domestic violence.
Of course you feel sorry for him, he has controlled your thinking so that you would feel just that way. He is all part of an abuser's "mind control game".
Part of being a victim of abuse is being in denial. I was there too, so I completely understand! I used to make all kinds of excuses why my husband was abusive, and I told people it was my fault, that I had egged him on.
Before my husband turned physically abusive toward me, I truly believed with all my heart that the safest place on earth for me was with him. He was the LAST person I ever expected to turn on me.
Everytime he got the notion that I was even thinking of leaving he would feign a suicide attempt, or tell me he would kill himself if I left. He told me that I was the only reason he was still alive. All of that type of talk is more mind control. Trust me, your husband will not kill himself if you leave.
Just because he has not hurt the children yet, does not mean he won't. And they are being abused by just living in that environment. They know what is going on, they are not blind or deaf.
As far as how many times he has hit you, the truth is this: First time shame on him, second time shame on you.
Please get yourself and your children away from him as quickly as you can.
God bless you my dear, you are in my prayers.
Katie
Sweetie - take this one day at a time. I WILL tell you, when you will feel safe again? SO soon, SO much sooner than you do now. Which has to be NEVER.
Pages