Let out your stress and anger!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Let out your stress and anger!!
10
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:58am

Are you already having a bad day?

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 10:05am
I'm going to go ahead and start this thread off because yesterday I was actually having a great day despite how sick I was.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 10:35am
I didn't get to sleep until about 3:00 this morning. I live with a crazy person. I told him I was scared of him, and so was everybody else in the house and that I can't live like this anymore. He went to bed early while my 2year old and I were watching a movie, he didn't say anything to anybody, just went to bed. After the movie was over, I took the baby to bed and red her a story just like I always do. After I turned the lights out, he gets out of bed and goes to the livingroom. I ask him what's wrong and he starts screaming at me. I don't even know what all he said, just something about selling the house and nobody cares about him. The baby was crying hysterically and holding on to me, my other 2 dd's came to see what was wrong. He walked out of the room and 12year old dd came in and asked me what was wrong. She told me that we should just leave. He got his belt and started trying to hit her, telling her to mind her own business. I put her and the baby behind me in the bed and we had to dodge the belt. He looked crazy. I told him not to ever touch her again. He just kept on screaming, I told him he was crazy. When he finally calmed down he started talking about how sorry he was for everything and that he was under a lot of pressure and that he just needed some attention and nobody loved him and how he wasn't going to get to raise his own child. I told him I was tired of fighting and talking and I just wasn't going to do it anymore. I rocked the baby and she finally went to sleep. That was about 3:00. I don't know what time I finally went to sleep, when I woke up he was gone. I haven't found an apartment yet, but I am still looking. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 11:35am
Why is that just when he starts getting angry and saying stuff and I work up the courage to leave, he turns around and is Mr. wonderful again??! A couple weeks ago we got into an argument and I asked him why he says the things he does? Why does he treat me the way he does? His response was that he was afraid of loosing me. I told him that treating me the way he does is what will loose me...loving me and treating me with respect will keep me here. After that he started being nice again. The negative comments stopped, he was home more, being very loving. Then this week, its started back to the same old sh*t. Sunday night we were watching COPS, about a domestic violance call. A man was beating his wife with a belt because she wanted to go out. H said just as calmly..."she probably deserved it" I said no woman deserves to be hit. and he said "she does...look at that house. Its a mess and she wants to go out. I would have hit her too" I just sat there stunned. He has never hit me because I have told him from the beginning that if he ever laid a hand on me I would walk out the door. I looked at him and he was dead serious about it. One of the reasons i have been so scared to leave was because I am afraid of what he would do. Either hurt me or himself, which he has said he would do too. Then on monday he started joking about cheating and sleeping with someone else, something he has done just about every other day for the past 9 years. I asked him why does he have to joke like that when he knows i dont like it. He said "thats the way I am, i like to joke about things like that and if you dont like it then oh well. Thats the way I am, and thats never going to change" then he told me that I was too sensitive and I needed to quit taking everything he said so seriously. So I looked at him and said "Well thats just who I am...and thats not going to change" I think he was stunned that I actually said something like that back to him. He walked off and never said anything more. Later he was doing something that i dont like.....he likes to take his hand and hold it over my face and watch me squirm, He knows i hate anything over my face. I have told him many times that I do not like it. I told him again to stop that i dont like it. and asked why does he do that to me when he knows i dont like it. His response...."I do it because i know it irritates you" what kind of person treats someone that they supposidly LOVE like that!!? Why is it that I KNOW what I want to do, NEED to do...But I cant bring myself to actually leave. Sometimes Im more frustrated with myself for putting up with this for so long and still not having the courage to leave!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 11:55am

I'm just tired and stressed. I know that I am leaving my present job. The emotional stress of it all is too much
1) dealing with other victims of domestic abuse (some of whom just drive me nutty with the telling me that I can't prosecute their abuser -- oh, yes I can, BTW, with or without them, and BTW, it is my job and if I don't prosecute them, I'll be fired).
2) seeing all the police who investigated my own little felony DV (so nice to be talking with the officer who collected your clothes that were torn off of you by your husband).
3) being all alone in this while other single parent friends complain to me that their ex doesn't do enough or pay enough (oh, yeah? well try it while you ex is in prison and you get Jack Nothing from him or his family and your son cries for his dad about once a week).
4) feeling like man, I have it good, I don't have to put up with or be afraid of XH for another 4 years, but feeling guilty because my son is so torn up about missing his dad (the good dad) and hating his dad (the bad dad)... therapist explained that he really sees good dad and bad dad as two different people because he can't understand that good dad would hurt mom and little brother.
5) knowing I need to go practice law in another area for a while and knowing that it will be like a pediotrist learning brain surgery... new rules of procedure, new law to learn, gads!!!

OK that's long enough.. that did feel good to get it off my chest... Whew.

LAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 12:47pm

I know it feels theraputic letting out all the pent up anger.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:44pm

Good thread girl...

I have a few vents to get out, number one, who do these men think they are, honestly!? think they can take us as little victims and run us like a puppet, think they own us, run our lifes, friends, family, run everyone we love into the ground, and than think we want to have sex with them, YA HUNNY! YOU CALLING DOWN MY SISTER JUST GETS ME OFF, like were they born with half a brain, well i guess they only use one side of the brain cause the other side has to run their little boy downstairs.

I cant count all the times stbx has loved to piss me off, he said it turned him on when i was mad....so he would actually try to tick me off. Even if i was to the point of crying he would say, "take a joke"..take a joke, ya i took a joke, and than i left it, lol. The worst was when we went out to any function, as soon as we got around people, moreso my friends/family, he would turn into a total jerk, amd say things that he would never say alone with me, cause he knew that i would not say anything back to him, if i did, wow, there was a fight. His fav. pastime was getting drunk, than degrading women, infront of me and friends, degrading me, embarrssing me, fighting with everyone.ugh he was just sick, it was never fun to do anything with him.

He also loved to drink&drive....i dont know how many fights he has gotton into over this, with ppl trying to stop him,including me, It got to the point where ppl just quit invloving us in things, which hurt me, cause i use to love going out and having fun, but stbx just thrashed it all the time, he would even glare at me if i was laughing and having fun. So about a year before i left, i basically had no friends and was living a very lonley boring life. We only went and seen his depressing family, which stbx's stepdad actually raped my older sister when they were younger....told stbx about it..he said, she probably asked for it!?!?!..UGH! Im not even gonna get into the inlaws, cause it would take too long, lol..maybe another rainy day i will vent them off. Lets just say they are triple what stbx is, gee is that where the abuse may have come from. But I hope i can find my inner child again, and start having fun with life like i used to, and start a new group of friends. I know she is in their somewheres...she is peeking out to make sure stbx is gone first i think, lol.

thanks for letting me vent ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:15pm
Hey no problem, that's what it's here for!
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 2:30pm
I am hurt & angry that I'm in this situation. I've been here before for God's sake, why am I here again with a different person, someone who was supposed to be different, who was going to love me & my kids and we were going to have a good life together. Why do I keep picking abusive men? I think that I have made a good choice, then it doesn't take long to realize that I have one just like the one before, just in a different way. I hate myself because I feel sorry for him, why do I care if I hurt him or not? He has hurt me and the kids so much. Why was I stupid enough to believe that it was going to be ok this time, so I gave everything I had. Emotionally, and financially so I am broke in so many ways. Sometimes I just want to die, but then the kids would be stuck with him and I don't want that. I just want to be normal, I don't even care anymore if I'm happy, I just don't want to be scared or upset or worrying what will set it off again. I just want to stop crying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:11pm

You caught me on a good day. I have been waiting to get this out. Here goes...
I am so tired of dealing with him. And I feel so stuck. Its going to take everything I have to pull me and my kids out of this situation. And I still will feel incredibly guilty after we are out - that is his conditioning still at work on me. I absolutely plan to have no contact so he can’t get to me but what am I going to do about his contact with my kids? He also knows where I work. He can’t get in my building but he can get to me going in or coming out. How do I protect myself there?

I think I’m a good person and I’m a happy, upbeat person. But he has me so agitated, sad, frightened, on edge, exhausted all the time. I keep thinking of what it would be like to be me again. To have peace in my life. To be able to get enough sleep without him waking me up so many times during the night because he can’t sleep or because he feels the need to rant at 5:00 a.m. What is it about that hour that gets them started. To be able to take care of my children, help my elderly parents, read a book or magazine, and just go where I want to sometimes without asking permission or feeling guilty about doing it or sneaking around so as not to set him off. But then I have to worry if he finds out how angry he will become. He takes all my energy.

Years ago, before I knew what I was dealing with, he made a comment that he would kill anyone who tried to take me away from him (in response to finding out that someone at work was flirting with me, which flirting he didn’t mind at all). I was silly enough to feel flattered by that remark (sort of) but he said it again recently and now I know better. What if I take myself away from him???

If I even mention anything to do with my feelings or that my needs aren’t being met, he goes into a tirade about everything being all about me. How can it be all about me, when I am doing everything he wants, bending over backwards to please and appease him so he doesn’t get angry, putting up with all the horrible, scary, demeaning, degrading things he does to me. Whenever I have ever cried, even when we were first married, he always turned cold. I didn’t cry very often but sometimes I needed a little softness and comfort. Nope. He just turned cold or got angry - demanding to know what I was crying about. And as someone else said on this board recently about her spouse, he has never apologized for anything he did to hurt me, ever, and also has the same ‘how dare I’ attitude she described if I say or accidently do something to hurt him!

Its funny, a lot of women worry that their husbands will leave them for somebody new or younger, but not the women on this board. I pray every day that he will find somebody new and leave. But I know that will not happen; he has spent 26 years getting his victim where he wants me and he is too old and tired to want to start all over again. Anyway, that would be the easy way out and I know I’m not going to be offered the easy way. Its going to be climbing mountains all the way.

How do these men get like this. I know my husband’s parents were by all accounts extremely devoted and respectful of each other. They never even said an unkind word to each other, ever. He saw a beautiful example growing up of what marriage is supposed to be, loving, caring, supporting each other. He says this all the time. So why is he so incredibly not like his father. His father would not have dreamed in a million lifetimes to treat his mother the way that my husband treats me.

Who was his role model. Where did he get this unbelievable sense of entitlement that he has, thinking he can do whatever hurtful and horrible thing he wants to do to me. And that I not only will put up with it for the rest of my life but that I should love him and want to be loving to him and affectionate. I don’t even want to touch him or look at him. But, because I am so afraid, I go through the motions, including being affectionate, as much as I can bear. Why doesn’t he get it? Yes, he can act very sweet and caring and does a lot of nice things for me. That is what I meant when I said in my first post that I was thinking I had to take the good with the bad, that is until my kids started questioning it as young adults. But Dr. Jekyll is not around nearly as much as Mr. Hyde these days and even when he is I see it for what it is - just tactics of the batterer.

I have come to realize that he really does not love me at all. I used to think so. But I know that a loving man would never do the things he does to me. And if he believes he loves me, and he does say it often, well, that’s no kind of love I want to be the recipient of. Now I don’t think he even loves his kids. My heart goes out to the people on this board who still love their abuser. How hard that must be! I am fortunate that I do not feel any love for my husband and cannot wait until I no longer have to be with him.

Its incredible the posts that I have read on this board…women who have been living just like me every day. I have gotten to be quite a good actress, pretending to act like I love him and being affectionate, and apologizing for doing something to offend him just to keep the peace and to keep him from going into another tirade and for my kids’ sake. When in reality I am thinking about how much I loathe this relationship and can’t wait to get away from him. Even in public I have to act a lie. People have remarked about what a loving, affectionate couple we are. If they only knew that he is forcing it out of me!!! Someone on this board mentioned having developed psoriasis in a very sensitive spot. I was shocked to read that. Six months after I met my husband I developed the same thing. No doctor could figure it out. Finally it went away after a year, only to come back a few years later way worse. They finally diagnosed psoriasis after many wrong guesses, but I can tell you I was living in hell for years before I was able to get it treated properly. I know that it was caused by the stress of dealing with my husband and his mother who was just as abusive to me as he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 9:34pm

I don't have any worries or any hassles - because I don't have a jerk living in my house anymore.

I'm totally cool with everything. I may not be rich, but I'm not poor. My life is mine.

I would love to see all the girls here be the same way!