Letting go in peace.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Letting go in peace.......
3
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:36pm

Hi, I am not sure if I have posted here before. I am living with a husband of 11 years with two daughters ages 11 and 4.

My husband is an abuser of the psychological kind. He is manipulative, is a liar and I realize that there is nothing I can do. I give up. I've spoken to him, appealed to him, prodded him, spoken to what I have thought was his good side, but nothing works.
I have high principles. I am no pushover. He knows that he can do whatever he wants on the side (since we have no marriage now and are about to move to two separate apartments in December, the earliest I can get) but not to interfere with me as a mother. This is to no avail.

Since he picks the girls up and drops them off at school (soon I will be the one to do this because I must renew my license in full) he gets to see what is going on in the two different schools, one elementary and one preschool. I have told him on numerous occasions, to let me know what is going on at all times. In my ydds' preschool, many times there are notes, messages etc. and so forth. As many times as I have told him, it falls on deaf ears. There was a birthday party in ydd's class today. She came home with a goody bag. I asked him why didn't I know about it. He said they only put up a notice today. I don't believe him. I have told him on numerous occasions, not to get pick-up chinese food from places we do not know. I am very particular about what my kids eat. I asked him to pick up food today from a place we always go to, and he came home with food from a different place. At the end of the meal, I commented how it did not taste the same (boxes were of the regular generic kind) and only then was I told it was from a different place. Would it have been so hard to call and inform me of this? No, he chose not to. I asked him to inquire about computer classes being offered at ydd's school. To my surprise, I went to the preschool, spoke to the teacher recently and was informed she was already signed up in computer classes. He did not tell me that he signed her up. How disrespectful is that?

I have realized there is nothing I can do. Nothing I say will change this. I wish him to go with G-D, as the saying goes. Nothing I say or do will change this. This must be a life lesson to learn, because I would never have imagined what I could have done to deserve such a person.

He lies about what he said, or lies about what he didn't say. He says this, and then when asked, said he said it completely differently. Every conversation turns into a complex of mazes and obstacles. You cannot speak to him about anything, without him lying, manipulating, denying or defending himself on the simplest things. There is no way out of this. The only thing to do is leave, move with my two girls. And realize that this is all about him. This is the way he was made. I had nothing to do with this. I can only thank G-D that He made me a person full of compassion and love and a willingness to help people.

If anyone can offer any advice, I would appreciate it. Did anyone encounter this on such an extreme level, for the simplest things? I feel highly disrespected. But seriously, I am letting this go in peace. It is not for me to change this. Only to leave. If anyone else has encountered this type of abuse and manipulation, please let me know. I would be happy to help anyone who needs my help as well.

By the way, I have an appointment with an abuse counselour tomorrow. Hopefully she will help me understand why I have gotten myself into all of this. I know I did not choose this outright. But maybe she can provide me with some answers. I thank G-D for these boards as a place to come to and let go. Also a way to temporarily escape from the harshness of my situation. Love and peace vibes your way. TIA.




Edited 9/26/2005 10:55 pm ET ET by smoothride
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:44pm

This is my opinion - you say you are living with someone who psychologically abuses you. If that is so, then nothing you care about, nothing YOU think is important, will make any difference.


Why do you continue to count on him? why do you expect him to give you the info you need on your chlids school issues, etc? You cant coutn on him, you know that. Disrespectful or not, you will need to get the info you need yourself. Call the school. Order or get the food yoursefl if it upset you so much. Dont count on him. Ever. When you dont have expectations, then you cant be dissapointed. Just my 2 cents.


& you are right - nothing you can say or do will change it. I am glad you can see that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:04pm
Rich - good to hear from you. You are very right, but this is just one of the new strings of things he is doing to abuse me. It doesn't end, it just doesn't end. You'd think with all of the horrible things he did to me throughout our marriage, it would end. But it doesn't.
I guess everything for him is just black and white. Before I had pretty much all the say so regarding everything about the kids. I picked them up, and I used to inform him about everything, but he did not show any interest. Now that he picks them up, he just purposely does this. I cannot figure this out.
I know this sounds funny, but I expect him to take pity on me at this point. I am such a humane person, a person who truly loves other people. I expect him to look at me and say "Look at what I've put her through. Let me leave her alone for a while." But it doesn't happen. I am recovering from one thing, and lo and behold, he throws something else my way. I am barely able to catch my breath.
I am a very involved mother. Devoted, spends time with her kids a lot. I rule the roost here as most mothers do. But this new thing he is doing has taken me totally off guard. It is cruel to the utmost. Because he knows how much these things mean to me. I married a very cruel man. What can I do? As I said, only leave.
I did not expect this last thing to be where it concerns the kids. It has thrown me for a loop, for sure. But yes, now that he has this new tactic, you better believe I will be calling the school two times a week. You better believe it. I wrote in just to describe my disbelief over this.
Counting down the days till I no longer co-habit with this man. I hope that G-D will grant me strength. Love and peace to all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:08am

Hello & welcome to the board smoothride....


I'm glad you found us and please let us know how the counseling goes today.

5yrssm