Life for me is sucking like a "Hoover!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
Life for me is sucking like a "Hoover!"
3
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 7:25pm

Hello~

This is my first time here. I've been looking for a support group because I would like to be able to talk with other gals that are going through the same thing I am (It's nice to know I am not alone, but I would not like to wish this hell on anyone.)

I have known my husband for almost 20 years and we've been married for just over 17 years. I met my husband in church, and he had that squeaky-clean, innocent boy-next-door look which made me fall head over heals for him. He bought me flowers and cards and did all the things that you would want from an attentive boyfriend, and I thought I was on cloud 9.

We got married, and off and on through our marriage, my husband would get with some of his old friends from the "shady" side of where he grew up and occasionally "party" with the booze and pot, and occasional pills. It upset me because I didn't originally think he was in to that. He would apoligize and things would be okay for a while. Then the pot became a little more regular, but I found it hard to say anything since he was doing it with half of my family (even though I don't smoke.)

14 years later through the ups and downs, he finally confessed to me on the phone while he was out of town on a business trip that he had a drug problem. He had gotten ripped off at gunpoint while trying to buy some crack. He promised me he would get help if I said I would stay with him....and like a dummy, I agreed to stay.

Fast forward three years to present day. We move to a brand new house in a small town where the kids can go to safe schools and live in a safe neighborhood. Meanwhile, my husband is starting to do things again to raise the "red flags" in the back of my mind.
Nevermind that over the years, he has started to take on the personality of my dad (who I love, but who also is a recovered alcoholic who is ill tempered, bigoted, critical, and rude. Half of the neighborhood I grew up with was scared to death of him. I didn't realize my life as a kid growing up was "not normal." I almost thought that "g** damn" was my middle name, and that all dads threw fits of rage and hid bottles all over the house!)

Well, my husband put our house on the map one evening when he got into an altercation with someone who cut him off on the road. They took turns following each other in a 10 mile road rage trip that ended up at the front of our house, my husband pulling a gun out of his truck and shooting shooting twice at the guy (luckily, he missed.) He ended up getting arrested and going to jail for a couple of days (I had the entire town police force around my kitchen table!)He also ended up in the newspaper, and we were the talk of the town. I had my kids friends parents approaching me about whether it was safe for them to be at our house. My daughter said her friends told her that they were joking about the "defensive driver" in town who shoots at people in the high school drivers ed class. It's enough to make us want to move back to where we came from. (My sister also added that "couldn't you see dad do that?") Scary!

I knew something was up with his erratic behavior. Sure enough, he confessed to being addicted to cocaine and pain medication. (and of all places, he got the coke from a member of my family...who I had no idea was even using the stuff! Talk about feeling like a dummy.) He agreed to go with me to get counseling from the pastor at our church, and he went for couple times.

My husband can be very sweet and loving at times, and then there is this personality that comes out that is as mean and hateful as ever. He used to get physical with me until I fought or hit back, or threatened to call 911, and he stopped. But it is almost as if he knows that he can't cross the "physical" line, but anything goes beyond that. He yells and shouts, he break things, he spits at me, he scares me when he's in the car and starts to drive irratic. He also makes comments about my weight, and complains that I don't have control over the kids when their rooms are a mess, or when they are less then helpful around the house.

He has since quit going to counselling and makes fun of me for going to church (remember that I said I met him in church?) and says that he can find God by just going to the park.
He's told the pastor too much and doesn't want to be around there anymore. My pastor had predicted that he would probably do this since he has had experiences in crisis centers. He also told me that he's the best con artist that he has ever witnessed, and not to feel like a dummy for being duped (which I still do.)

In the meantime, my husband has threatened to stop paying the house payment (has used it to buy drugs.) He has intercepted a credit card of mine in the mail (and maxxed it out) I had the old card in my purse and didn't realize it had expired, and he had activated and used the new one. He has borrowed and taken money of the kids, taken the ATM card out of my purse and gone to the bank machine in the middle of the night. He has even forged a check of mine to a friend. He has also announced that since so much of his credit card debt it from cash advances from drugs, he is filing for bankruptcy (whether I like it or not!)

I can't believe I am going through this. I thought I had more brains than this but this is such a surprize and I feel like the stupidest idiot in the world. I am trying to find all sorts of resources to go to, but living in a small town, it is pretty limited. I even called a place in Indianapolis that was a women's shelter to see if they had any support groups, or access to legal aid, and they asked me if I was being abused. "Well, yeah, I guess" was my answer. "Has he hit, or punched you, or hurt you physically in any way? they asked. "Well, no, but... and I would end up getting sent to another person or put on hold. Someone I work with later told me that since those places are full to overfollowing, they only handle women who feel that their lives are in danger. I guess I need to have the stuffing knocked out of me to legitimize my problems.

Well, here I am, putting this nightmare that I am going through in word to send through cyberspace, hoping that I can connect with someone or someones that have been through this before me, that can give me a bit of advice as to what to do next because I am as confused as heck, and the resources that are supposedly out there don't seem to be working for me. Thanks for listening (and sorry this is so long!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 7:54pm

Welcome to the board GalPal...


First of all I am going to tell you right now, that you are not a stupid idiot.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:26am
It seems wrong that given your situation you were basically told you weren't abused enough to qualify for a shelter. The poster in women's shelter discussion(has any one been to a women's shelter) was told that her situation was right for a shelter and she described an atmosphere of neglect towards her by her husband and some words said to her when her children were not around but no other incidents and was told her situation was right for the shelter. It just goes to show how screwy things are sometimes. I wonder if it has to do with the space available or with lack of training on the part of the staff. I read that to be a domestic violence worker(at least in my state) all you need is 40 hours of training. I think you can work at Mcdonald's too once you have had that amount of training or something very similar to it. Not to imply that shelters aren't helpful to a lot of women, but this seems like yet another situation where they screwed up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:32pm
I am sure that there are other shelters around, maybe not exactly where you live, but try another neighboring town, state. I am confused about something: he shot his gun, and only went to jail for two days? That's a little confusing to me. Also, when he was driving recklessly with the other driver, although there may not have been any witnesses, wasn't he under the influence of drugs? I don't know. It sounds as if the law enforcement was not doing their job the day they dealt with your husband.
Anyway, because you live in a small town, maybe it is better that you seek a shelter not where you live. I don't know what the rules are regarding shelters that are not in your vicinity, but if you don't have one there, then it would make sense that you are eligible for one that is in another town.
That is the double-edged sword of living in a small town. Yes, everybody knows you. But, then again, yes everybody knows you - for the good and the bad.
Don't live like this anymore. A person with a drug dependency can be unpredictable, they are not in complete control of their impulses. He screams, yells, spits and throws things out of the rage he feels and because he wants to physically hurt you, but nonetheless knows it is wrong. I hope he won't take all of that repressed anger and really hurt you one day. Please get out of this.
There are hotline numbers for abuse. Call and the counselours should be able to speak to you whenever you need it. Let them guide you. But don't continue to live with the unpredictability of a drug user. Good luck.