Listening to my gut

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Listening to my gut
32
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 2:35am

So today I told my therapist that I was having such a hard time believeing my own thoughts and feelings. Doubting that my perceptions were fair or realistic. (I frequently decide that I am so suspicious of him now I think everything he does is a manipulation, and I should give him the benefit of the doubt) She told me that one of the major effects of abuse is that trusting your instincts and intuition is worn away over time. SO exactly the reason I am so "stuck" in the decision process is becasue I have been programmed to doubt myself. It is all part of the "you are inadequate/stupid/unworthy" crud that I have listenend to for 17 years.

Kind of a lightbulb "ahaa" moment for me.

Anyone else having those same doubts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:52am
I am so right there too. I keep thinking well maybe I am over reacting, when I know deep down that I am not. And I also cannot seem to say it out loud to him (everyone else yes, but not him)that it's not working between us, it's time to end this relationship, all the feeling toward one another is gone. I've got the light bulb but I think I need the hammer. :-) Good luck to you.
Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 10:08am

I totally know where you're coming from. I'm still doubting myself regarding my post about the lies and the dr. appt.!! Realistically I know that there is no way he was at the dr. that day, yet I still feel the doubts creeping in, making me nervous as far as confronting him. I hate it! It's tough to regain confidence in yourself after years of it slowly being worn away.

Thank you for sharing your insight with us. I'm sure counseling is helping you alot. Stay strong and keep working on yourself. You are so worth it.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:49pm
Hello! I know exactly what you mean. I survived an abusive marraige years ago. I remember thinking "I was crazy" for the thoughts and feelings I was having. My ex tried to convince me that my thoughts and feeling were way off-base. This concerned me. I told a friend of mine, who said that I had valid reasons for concern. Anyone who tells you not to feel or think what you do, really messes with your head. So much decision making depends upon thoughts and feelings. Now, I know what I feel and think, anyone who tells me differently I worry about. I'm proud of you for going to therapy!

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:11pm
My H and I were talking last night and I said that when we get intimate the things he has said and done to me goes through my head and ruins anything we would have. He said that he can "put those mean and hurtful things I've said and done out of his head and can move on" and get past all that icky stuff in our marriage. I said I wish I could do that, but I can't. Is that normal? I mean, how do we get past the icky stuff?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:25pm
Flower Girl,
I don't know how. And that is why I am constantly wondering about my future. I am glad he is making changes. But the emotional damage to me is DONE. Complete. I am officially an emotional mess. I have chosen to "forgive" , in that I do not want to get justice or revenge or punishment for him. But I can't really "forget", either. I am damaged. And I am not sure I can ever get back the wide-eyed, innocent, unconditional love I had. Yes, I do actually still love him, but it is in a messed up, hurt kind of way. Very jaded and suspicious.
I do think that if he showed dramatic change (action and motivations) and showed it over a long period of time I would be more likely to let my guard down. But I don't think he will wait that long. And there are no guarantees it will happen.
Would I be more likely to heal if we were divorced and had more formal agreements about money, visitation, ect?? Don't know.
And really, anything he does to "win me back" I see as a total manipulation, anyway. He can't win.
We have had a few physical "encounters" over the past months. And the sex is really good. But the emotions later are all messed up. Angry, or just flat.
I don't trust him and I don't trust myself! That crystal ball sure would come in handy right about now........
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 9:21pm
It's so true, and it takes time to get through all that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:26pm

Hello, beautiful!

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I took the liberty of reading one of your previous posting, so as to find out what you mean by "ickiness". It seems to me that the ickiness you're describing is him hitting you, having an affair. Your ickiness is something I can't seem to find. You forgave him for an affair, which takes alot of patience. It sounds like you hit him to defend yourself, I can't see how that is icky.
As you know, love-making is an incrediably emotional experience. Woman particulary need to have a close emotional connection to their partner. He's telling you to disregard your feelings, I don't think that is healthy.

It sounds like he can be very vulnerable at times. My ex-husband was too. He struggled with his family(he had an abused childhood), and he hate a job he destained. He was desperate to find his path. Abusers can be very sweet at times. Believe it or not, my ex cooked a nice Valentine's Day Dinner for me, years ago. He not only cooked it, but he asked if there was anything more he could do to make it perfect. I could tell by the look in his eye that he was sincere. I thought, maybe he's alright after all? Anyway, about a month later, I left him because he attacked me. I could not believe it was the same person. I found out later that there is an abusive pattern which kind of emerges. There are three periods. One is the honeymoon period, (I forget the next one,I'll go it the s0-so period. Things aren't great, but there is no drama. It's kind of like walking on eggshells time. I'll do what he wants, so that I don't make him mad. Then, there's the abusive period. Usually, the abuser claims that you've offended them in some way. You've violated their "rules", as it were.

I hope this helps. I'm interested to know what you think.

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:17pm

First of all, thank you for reading my posts.

I never really though I was abused because he didnt hit me all the time, just when things were out of control or I did something to make him really mad. But that was maybe just a few times a year and mostly when he thuoght I was cheating on him or I lied to him. After reading the posts on this board, I am beginning to truly believe that I am in an abusive relationship. I even called the DV hotline but they just want me to go to support meetings, and I just couldn't find the time to sneak away to one. The one thing I do know is that we have mental abuse in our home.

Our whole marriage has been him being "lost" and "depressed." He was on anti depressents there for a while and that seemed to help. My problem is that we have been married for 15 years now and I am so tired of being worried and scared all the time. He tells me that I have no reason to be afraid or scared, unless I"m doing something wrong. And of course "something wrong" is anything that he does not approve of.

He truly can be so sweet. He is going on a motorcycle trip on Monday with his father for a week or so and keeps telling me that I am the only one he has ever loved and that he would be devestated without me. Of coruse I do believe him but then worry that he's only telling me this so I won't pack and move while he's gone.

He told me last night that he is very sorry for everyting mean he has ever said to me because when I said mean things to him, they just rolled off his back like a duck in the water, he didn't take them to heart, but he didn't realize that what he said to me, I took to heart and they affected me to terribly.

So how much of this is truth and how much is lies? That's where I have a problem. He found the book I was reading about why men hit and he talked to me about eveyrthing in teh book. It fit him to a T and he said "that's not me.." and had escuses for everything.

I'm just tired of being scared, I think. I grew up with a very mean dad that hit my mom. I know what's right and wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:00pm

Can you talk a little more about your husband being "lost" and "depressed"? I am a lurker here, unsure of whether I am in an abusive relationship or not. But your reference to "lost and depressed" really hits home to me. Throughout our relationship, my husband hasn't really been able to keep a job. Usually he quits because he can't stand who he is working with, or what he is doing or something. Mine won't go into therapy and doesn't believe in anti-depressants. I do think my husband has an anger management problem, but he has never hit me or the kids. He also is as sweet as can be sometimes, but he will go off on a rage at the tip of the hat at others.

And I know all about doubting whether your thoughts and feelings are based in reality or not. It's a daily struggle for me.

Anyhow...I would love to know more about your situation.




Edited 6/14/2006 3:08 pm ET by catgirl30328
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 3:37pm

Hello and thank you for asking. I will definatley try to explain. He's 36 and has a list of failures. He never feels good about himself. He is always depressed and sad and wants what he cannot have.

He complains that he is 36 and has a job he hates, he is losing his hair, he's short (5'6"), he doesn't know computers well, he doesn't have much time to himself before his kids keep him busy, he's got too much work to do on the house, his mom passed in January, he never sees his dad, he broke his collar bone and rotar cuff and has four surgeries, he has bad luck he.. this list goes on. He complains a lot about how bad he has it. His truck gets terrible gas mileage, he wanted to take the kids to Disneyland this year.. on and on. And these are not just once in a while complaints, they go on and on and he repeats them over and over. He lives in a world where nothing goes right for him.

However, there are two sides of that coin. He has been at this current job for five months but before that he didn't work for two years and I never once complained about it. Even though it cost us to go $40,000 in debt.

But I guess the most important thing is that he's never happy. No matter what I do or say, he's never happy. And everythign that's wrong with him is someone else's fault.

So that's what I sort of mean by he's depressed. By "lost" I mean that he's 36, unhappy and doesn't know what to do with the rest of his life. When I met him, he wanted to be a drafter, then it was a career in the medical field and now he wants to be a pilot. There were a few other things mixed in there. Of course, I have dreams also, but I have become to realize that I have to have the means to support my family. I am going to school online because I just don't make enough to support the family with what I am making. But he just cannot make up his mind about how he wants to do. He goes from "I need to do the right thing and support the family" to "I need a job where I'm happy, I'm so tired of doing what I'm doing. Its depressing and stressful but where else will I find a place to pay me this much without finishing my college education?" And he tells me all the time that "money isn't everything" but when you have two kids, its a lot. Does that make sense?

Does that help? Does that describe your husband?

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