Listening to my gut

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Listening to my gut
32
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 2:35am

So today I told my therapist that I was having such a hard time believeing my own thoughts and feelings. Doubting that my perceptions were fair or realistic. (I frequently decide that I am so suspicious of him now I think everything he does is a manipulation, and I should give him the benefit of the doubt) She told me that one of the major effects of abuse is that trusting your instincts and intuition is worn away over time. SO exactly the reason I am so "stuck" in the decision process is becasue I have been programmed to doubt myself. It is all part of the "you are inadequate/stupid/unworthy" crud that I have listenend to for 17 years.

Kind of a lightbulb "ahaa" moment for me.

Anyone else having those same doubts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:05pm

Wow...in alot of ways it describes our situation. I am the (more or less) only breadwinner in the family at this point. He went through a string of 6 jobs over about 4 years, then has been working part time for minimum income trying to get an "in" into the job he thinks he wants....but it is one job at one place, and right now they won't hire a permanent person into that kind of job. But he was so miserable before....he still is stressed, down or angry just about all of the time, but at least there is one less thing in his life to complain about. There is always something else though. It's either wrong with the house, the kids, me....something. He's always stressed about something, sometimes so stressed that I think he makes himself sick....he's almost always nauseous. And then sometimes he just explodes at almost nothing. In his worst times he really seems to expect our 4 year old to act like an adult.

We also have two small children. I end up working 50-60 hours a week. By the time I get home, all he wants to do is leave me with the kids and play on the computer or watch TV. So I come home, take care of the kids, put them to bed, and then do my chores or work. On the weekends he wants me to take care of the kids all the time. It seems like an inconvenience when I ask for 20 minutes to take a shower. Last weekend the kids only saw him 30 minutes each day. Sometimes that is best.

So I feel sort of stuck. There is nothing that is going to make it any better as far as I can tell. I have given up all of my flexibility to take care of the family financially. I also feel like I do almost all of the childcare (though it's not true...he has to take them and pick them up from school/daycare). I guess it's just that I really don't have time for myself. Of course, when I do, all I do is sleep.

I guess to top it off, I have been sexually abused in the past, so I struggle with my own stuff. He is one of the abusers, but only once a decade ago. I don't trust my perceptions of anything. It is weird, I seem to be a relatively competent individual in most of my life, but with him I am incapable of communicating, and there are times I just can't get things right.

I don't know....I just so liked seeing your post. I sort of feel like maybe I'm not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:24am

You certainly are not alone. My H is the exact same way. When I get home its like his day is over. He plays video games, goes tanning, plays on the computer, whatever he wants. I make dinner, pick up the house, do laundry, grocery shop.. everything. The only thing I have a break of now is the dishes and that's because my kids now do that. Yeah me! LOL

He does pick the kids up from daycare after he gets out of work and he takes our son to taukwondo but other than that, its all me. I know exactly how you feel.

So now he has decided he wants to go to flight school. So we are planning on selling our home and he is going to move to Arizona or TX for five months while the kids and I move into an apartment because i cannot afford the hosue payment and expesnives and daycare without his income. He is also quitting his job tomrorow to go on a motorcycle ride with his father for anywhere from three days to two weeks.

Now everyone I know is freaking out because they don't think we should sell the house for him to go to school but for me, its like it is a blessing, I think. 1) he's leaving the state 2) maybe he'll find soemoen and fall in love while he's gone 3) maybe he'll finally be happy 4) I can live alone with my kids which is my dream.

What do you honestly think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:51am

I think he's taking advantage of you, and I totally understand you thus hoping/wanting to be free or just enjoying the time that he is gone. I can't believe given the circumstances that he is about to go on a vacation!!! I think it is a tough decision to sell your house, but I would probably do the same thing just to get some peace. My husband wouldn't have us sell the house probably, but it wouldn't matter what I would have to sacrifice to make it all work. So we may be in slightly different places there.

Also, I really respect your even being able to consider him being gone a blessing. I can't even get there. I don't know what I would do without him, how I could make all the logistics of our lives work. All I ever want to do is be gone myself. In my strongest points I know I can't leave the kids. The older one has already gotten to the point that my husband can't stand him sometimes....it's only a matter of time until the younger one does. The only thing I can come up with is somehow to figure out a way to let someone know to get the kids into a safe home if something happens to me.

I keep just hoping that maybe some day something will change....maybe he can be happy, and then the anger and the outbursts will go away and we can live in peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 1:04pm

You're welcome, I'm glad to!

I'm know what you mean. I used to think that being abused meant that you were hit constantly. That's what's so confusing about it. I'm proud of you for having the courage to confront this, you'd be surprised how many people can't. Mental abuse is quite damaging. You're very perceptive to see that his saying you have no reason to be afraid, unless you do something wrong. He's the one who decides if you've done something wrong, that's not fair. If you "make him really mad" he'll hit you? That's not acceptable, he's violating your dignity. How come you don't get to decide when he does something wrong? Or is everything he does right? It sounds like he's deciding the rules, as it were.

It's like you said, you know what's right and what's wrong. It sounds like he has a sweet side. My ex definitely did. Believe it or not, he probably doesn't want you to go. Marraige is one the the few emotional intense relationships that men have. The problem is, the sweet side gets taken over by the "craziness". It seems to me that most abuser don't really want to abuse, they're out of control. My ex used to say that I couldn't take a joke, that I took his mean words too personally,etc. However, I couldn't imagine saying the same thing to him! If you're having trouble determining if he's lying or sincere, it doesn't sound like you trust him. That is a big red flag.

I have a question for you, how is it that he found your book? Does he go through your things? If you think the book fits him,it probably does. I remember watching a show about an abusive man on the Oprah show. I thought, "my goodness,that's my husband". That is a tough one. I had books I used to read, and still do. They're mostly mediation, religion and inspiration. He'd try to convince me that they were of no value.

Do you think you could go to a support meeting while he's out of town?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:54pm

Well the reason he is going on vacation is because last January his mom passed away and last summer his father and him were supose to go on a motorcycle trip together. So he bought the motorcycle ($8,000) but didn't go. I did get upset because I've been telling him I want to split up, I want some space and he hasn't given it to me. So now, with him starting school, this is the only time he could go, because as much as he will not go to work, he will not miss school.

My biggest problem is that I don't understand why (even though I can't stand him, I'd do almost anything to get him out of my life) I cannot just walk out and hurt him.

I hate hurting him and that makes me mad. He has changed these last few weeks. He has not said a cruel thing to me, he has been the "perfect" husband and has even quit asking me for s**, which I always cry afterwards.

I would pay any amount of money to have him go. I just want him to go nicely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:55pm
I was just wondering if you love your husband or if you are done with him? Does he realize you are unhappy? Would he go to counseling with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 3:02pm

Oh yes, he goes through my things all the time.

He never says things like "if you do this.. you'll be in trouble" but I know what upsets him. Its very subliminal. I say "well I dont want to make you mad" and he's like "then don't do anything disrespectful" but he doesn't say "don't call your friends" but if I'm on the phone, he talks to me in the background and makes rude comments about how I'm always on the phone. That is how I know that talking on the phone is "wrong." Does that make sense?

I am going to try to get to a support group meeting while he is gone. I know my mom will watch my kids. I have some great books, I'm going to start reading them as soon as he leaves on Monday. I just don't undersatnd why I care more about his happiness than my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 8:51pm
I don't know if I love him. I don't know whether I am capable of loving anyone any more. That's part of my problem, and probably part of my history coming out. I was hospitalized during my second pregnancy because I was suicidal. I told him I was, he didn't believe me, and then he was furious when I got hospitalized for it. I don't talk to him any more about it. He doesn't believe in therapy or psychotropic meds, so I am betting he won't go to counseling with me. I go to therapy, but he doesn't know. So I'm not really sure. I'm not sure who has the problem, and I don't know that any of that matters any more anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 5:54pm
You sound like you have given up but I hope I am wrong. You deserve to be happy. Why do you think that therapy isn't working?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 8:54pm

My therapist says I am not going to feel better until I get my husband in therapy with me. That just isn't going to happen. So I feel stuck.:(

Sorry. Not doing well right now, and I just can't seem to come up with anything to say. I don't trust what's going on in my head, so putting it down on paper seems ridiculous.