Listening to my gut

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Listening to my gut
32
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 2:35am

So today I told my therapist that I was having such a hard time believeing my own thoughts and feelings. Doubting that my perceptions were fair or realistic. (I frequently decide that I am so suspicious of him now I think everything he does is a manipulation, and I should give him the benefit of the doubt) She told me that one of the major effects of abuse is that trusting your instincts and intuition is worn away over time. SO exactly the reason I am so "stuck" in the decision process is becasue I have been programmed to doubt myself. It is all part of the "you are inadequate/stupid/unworthy" crud that I have listenend to for 17 years.

Kind of a lightbulb "ahaa" moment for me.

Anyone else having those same doubts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 8:55am
Since your husband abuses you, getting him into therapy with you sounds like a very bad idea. Is your therapist DV-trained?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:53am

Hello! I've finally tracked down your first reply, I think I understand the Board now. Thanks for your patience. I read your other reply as well. Thanks for the compliment, I try! You're wise to be on the board at work, he's likely to snoop at home.

He goes through your stuff all of the time, eh? My ex used to do that. I know what you mean about the "subliminal" stuff. They'll kind of look at you funny, but they don't really say anything. Then, they'll claim that you've overstepped your bounds somehow, and you end up racking your brain to figure out how you've offended them. When you get the "subliminal" stuff, it's kind of like, "oh, that's what he doesn't like. I won't do that anymore". I used to feel like if I kept him happy, he would be ok. If he was ok, then he wouldn't be abusive. The problem was, he determined what would please him, if that makes any

I'm glad that you're going to a support group meeting! Maybe, you can speak with a counselor, and get her e-mail address. You could e-mail him/her from work. Enjoy your reading. You're saying that you care more about his happiness than your own? I'd encourage you to try to understand why that's happening. Do you feel responsible for his happiness? If you don't mind me asking, how does your mom feel about him?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 4:22pm

Hello again,

When you said " I used to feel like if I kept him happy, he would be ok. If he was ok, then he wouldn't be abusive. The problem was, he determined what would please him" I felt like you were talking about me.

My daughter and son always say "why are we always doing stuff for daddy?" because even they know that we live our lives around his moods and how he feels.

And like Friday, he was so rude to me in front of my sister and her boyfriend when they came over that it emberrassed me. Then she left and he was like "what, I wasn't rude, I was joking" and the next day he was like "I don't know what happened, I drank too much (he had like six beers).

I'm just tired of being unhappy. Anyway, he's gone now for a few days to two weeks and I'm just so happy. I don't want him to come back. I am working on figuring out why I care more about his happiness than mine. I'm bitter about that.

My whole family cannot stand him. They feel like he's used me and hasn't been a good husband. Granted, he's had some bad breaks (lost his mom, broke his collar bone, broke his rotar cuff, had several surgeries) but they still feel like I have worked harder in this marriage than him. So its even harder when my family (especially my mom) doesn't like him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 4:12pm

Hello!

I'm sorry to hear that my quote seems to fit your situation, I know that's a tough one. One thing which really helped me was something I read. It said that you can't let your peace of mind depend upon another person.

Kids seem to sense things, don't they? I don't have kids, but alot of my friends do,and I do volunteer work for kids. I think that they have alot of emotional intelligence.

I'm sorry to hear that he was rude to your company. What troubles me as well is his not taking responsibility for it, or so it seems to me.

I can imagine you'd feel bitter. I can imagine that you're tired of being unhappy. It's human nature to want to be happy, and free from suffering.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel it makes things harder by your family not liking him? I'm asking so that I understand, I think you're saying that they are adding tension to the situation?

You'll get through this.

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:04pm

I can explain how my family is, I think, with an episode that happened on Saturday.

We were standing in line waiting to enter into the auditorium to watch my daughters ballet receital. I had invited my H, his father and my mom and dad. When my mom got there, my H didn't say hello. I said hello to my mom and she said hello in general (to me, my H and son). One hello.. you know?

So we chatted a bit and every once in a while my H would say something to me very low so my mom would say "what?" thinking he was talking us both. So I would repeat what he said. After a while his father caem and I said hello and we chatted a bit. My H was silent while my fatherin law, my mom and I chatted. Then my dad came and said "hello" to everyone. My H still didn't say anything but then started to talk to his father, but didn't say a word to my mom or dad.

So when we sat down, my H was on my left and my mom on my right. They were both talkign to me and when we got home, my H said "does your mom do that on purpose?" and I said "what?" He said "does she always try to talk to you when I'm talking to you and does she always have to know everything I say to you?"

I didn't say anythign but that explains the dynamics of my family life. I think I'm tired of the pressure I get from them to leave and the pressure I get from him to stay. Does that make any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:43pm

Hello! Yes, it does make sense. It seems to me, if I'm undertanding correctly, that they are snubbing each other, and you're in the middle. I can imagine that you would get tired of dealing with it. That is a tough situation. Do they know that he's pressuring you to stay? They might not realize that they're putting you in this situation, it sounds like they don't like him very much.

Have you had a chance to go to the DV support services?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:10pm

That is exactly it! My mom does try to be nice to him though, but its hard for her because its so obviouse he doesn't like her, and she is uncomfortable around him.

They know he is pressuring me to stay. I have been very vocal about it. They do not know about the physical violance or the fact he has cheated on me, but they know pretty much everythign else. They just would not understand why I stay if they knew everything. Heck, I don't understand.

I haven't been able to make it to a DV meeting. I'm afraid he's coming home tonight so I'm not going to make it. I'm very upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:09pm

Hello!

I see, that sounds quite difficult. You must get awfully tired of people pressuring you. It cool that your mom is trying to be nice to him, atleast. I hate to say, but it sounds like H isn't even trying to be nice.

You're saying that you don't understand why you stay with him. Can you tell me a little more about that?

Maybe, you can attend a meeting when you feel comfortable. It sounds like your family is supportive of you. I know that it probably doesn't feel like it sometimes. Maybe, you can tell H that you're going to see your mom? She might want to know why, but I think she'll understand if you tell her you have something private to take care of. What do you think?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 7:17pm

Hello,

I wish I had replied earlier, but I can't write from home and I have been way to busy today to post. But I am freaking out today.

You asked me to explain what I mean by "I don't understand why I stay with him." Well, I guess its because I don't love him anymore, I"m afraid of him and I don't even really like him yet I won't leave because I feel sorry for him. Why do I feel sorry for him? I don't get it.

This morning he told me "I am great with plans but after that, I have trouble with follow through" Of course my mom says "that's because he needs a mother, not a wife" but I feel bad for him because he is bad at follow through.

He was gone for four days on the cycle trip and while he was gone I was happy. blissfully to be honest. He got home and within two hours I was a mess. He called and said all kinds of things to me about what my kids had said.

I guess my kids said that they stayed the night at my mom's one night so I could go out. I took them to my mom's (since she babysits while I"m at work) Monday night at 10:00 so I could go in early on Tuesday without having to wake the kids up early. My son said I spent all the time dad was gone reading and wouldn't do anything for them. I didn't read one time while he was gone. I was too busy.

And then the neighbor said there were a bunch of "wierd cars" in our driveway while he was gone. Not true.. just my sister's b/f's car when they came over Tuesday for dinner.

Anyway, I was very angry when I got home on Friday and then.. poof.. everything changed. He was sweet as pie all weekend after practically accusing me of messing aroudn while he was on the trip.

I guess my point is that I don't love him. He's nasty to me. He told me that on his trip he realized how much he loves me and that he cant' live without me. I learned I want to divorce him, he's annoying and mean.

So.. I don't understand why I can't just go home and say "I"m leaving" I will just go home and pretend everything is alright.

Did any of this make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:50pm

Hello!

I know what you mean, sometimes you don't get the chance to post. I even get poor with checking my personal e-mail at times.

Your post makes perfect sense, I was once in your shoes! It sounds to me like you're taking things apart, to gain understanding. You should be commended for being so contemplative! You're saying that you don't love him, and that you fear him. You don't even like him..but you feel sorry for him. Believe it or not, I used to feel like that. I was tired of walking on egg shells, and being scared. I knew that I didn't love him anymore. I felt like I was married, and that was it. Divorce wasn't common in my family, I felt kind of weird about it. I felt bad for him, and really tried to help him. I took him to different counselors, etc. Now that I look back, I was trying to find a reason for his bad behavior. I thought that if he got what he needed, he'd be cool again. What I did't understand was, he didn't really want to change. He was very manipulative. He kind of told me what I wanted to hear at times, I suppose so I'd stay. It was like he found a way out of any responsibility, and felt like he was entitled to do as he pleased.

It could be that you feel sorry for him, because he's not the person he used to be. It could also be because he's been telling you his problems and you have a good heart. You sound very compassionate. You may be empathizing with his situation. However, it sounds like he's using his problems as an excuse, if you don't mind me saying so. He has to adjust to the world, the world doesn't have to adjust to him. He probably feels powerless and scared himself, and you can sense that.

It sounds like he twisted the kids' words around. He's taking perfectly innocent actions and accusing you of things. That's really hard to take, I went through that. Then, he's sweet as pie! He seems to have a Jekyl and Hyde thing going, don't they?

I can imagine you'd want a divorce, it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. It could be the reason that you're pretending things are alright is fear, and feeling bad for him Pretending things are okay kind of comes second nature after awhile. I didn't even realize I was doing it, after some time.

My advice is not to tell him that you're leaving by yourself, that could be very dangerous. The DV literature cautions against that, due to the volatile person to whom your telling, and the subject matter. I would say to visit a relative with you and the kids, and tell him you're not coming back. It sounds cold, but you should be protective of your safety.

How does all of this sound to you?

Hello!

How are thing going for you?

Best Regards,

BlessedGirl