Literally Sick Yesterday
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| Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:20pm |
Friday and Saturday I spent several hours with a friend helping her move. I was happy. I was with friends. Friday I got home at 11:00 and even went and had a beer with him while he shot pool. Did he talk to me? Barely! He shot pool. Saturday I was home by 11:15. He was out and came home at midnight totally irate saying things like "is this what I want, to be on my own, to come and go as I please". I sat and listened to him, not getting involved in any arguement and went to bed. It was his usual angry tone. Sunday I washed "my" clothes as he says. (Meanwhile, I wash his too and my DD's and fold them, iron them, and put them away.) Monday I was off to the therapist, Tuesday night I was home literally drained from being sick both physically and emotionally, and then tonight. Tonight I went to help my friend again only to come home to his tone telling me he had it all figured out. I don't want any responsibility to him, my home, or my DD. Meanwhile, I wanted to stay at my friend's house to help her more but knew he'd be pissed so I came home at 9:00. He was leaving for work at 9:45. I come home only to hear him again. Today he went grocery shopping and bought stuff for me when I leave. He's on an emotional rollercoaster and I realize that but am I wrong? He trys to make me think it's all about me! I told him I work now and I've bought things for myself and didn't need his money. Then he pops off with "what about him". He doesn't do anything for himself. I told him that's not my fault. Monday he was suppose to go golfing and instead stayed home, cut grass, took down the pictures, and basically sulked and complained he didn't have the money because he has to watch his money now. I even tried to give him $50 that I had saved from my $7/hr. paychecks. He took offense to that.
We're going to an attorney tomorrow to discuss legal separation. I don't even want any money from him. I just want OUT!!!! I'll use my mother's money to pay a year's worth of rent to an apartment. I have to get out of here before I lose my mind!!! I wasn't even going to get the legal separation but the income restricted apts. prevent me from having assets; therefore, I have to go through this red tape because I can't afford otherwise. I'm to the point I just want to move into anything and ask him if he can "afford" to pay me at least $100 a month. He's whining he won't have the money. I don't want to fight and argue with him so I'm willing to go just free with nothing! I think he won't let me starve....I think!
Why can't he be just kind and do what I want? Why does he keep rehashing all this old crap over and over that it's all about me and he's the bad one as I say. I never ever told him that. And my DD hates me. She told him he should never take me back and she doesn't want to even spend a week with me. She doesn't understand and I won't let him look bad in her eyes. I won't tell her what he's all about. Yet he makes comments about me. I can't stand it!
I ate today. I don't want that to happen to me again, but I'm so tired of crying and crying. I've got giant veins popped out around my eyes from crying so much. I'm sorry this is so long. I feel like I have nobody. I can't even talk to my own mother. I have no support but these boards.
Happy (but sad)

This is such a hard time for you right now.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
Just a word of advice, Happy.
CL-Blueliner4