A little embarassing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
A little embarassing...
12
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:44pm

So, I've been reading through these posts, and it's got me wondering...

I read about men using sex for narcissistic reasons. Ever since my relationship with my fiance got physical, I've been expected to give him oral sex either as a precursor to intercourse, or as the entire "event." In the beginning, I told him that I had had a bad experience with my ex-husband (it had not been long at ALL since it had happened)and described in detail what I had problems with. He told me that he understood, but expected someone he's serious with to understand that's a need that guys have. Well, I felt like I was "getting over" the thing with my ex by performing oral sex on my fiance. I'm now caught in a cycle of giving it every night and if I'm lucky, he might touch me a little bit. There's absolutely no foreplay if it does lead to intercourse--I'm supposed to get excited by going down on him (according to him).

I brought up the fact that I feel like this give-and-take is not really one at all--like all I do is give--a while back and he got upset with me and made me feel like it was just my fault. I did have a bad experience with someone performing oral sex on me when I repeatedly told them I didn't want it (weird, I know) and had told my fiance about that... But, that's been several years since it happened and I didn't have a problem with it with my ex-husband, so him using it as an excuse doesn't fly with me. I could count the number of times he's even attempted to give me oral sex on one hand--and the number of times I've given it to him is well over a thousand within this one year. By the way, it's not just once--I have to do it three times each time before he's satisfied.

His mother passed away about a year ago at this time and they did not have a good relationship at all...could this be part of it?

I'm also experiencing some issues of being isolated from friends and family and not really having a life outside of work unless it's with him... But, I've brought those up recently and I think there might be some progress there. I've come very close to leaving a few times, but have always been persuaded to stay... Had a falling-out with my family about it and now even if we stay together, I don't know that I could ever have a GOOD relationship with them because I told them about a few of the controlling things he does.

Can someone provide some insight for me??

Thanks...+

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:46pm

Hi. I just recently posted on here about how upset H gets if I turn him down for sex or, God forbid, don't perform orally. I don't think I can help you but I can completely relate. I too feel like I've performed oral sex well over 1,000 times since I've been with him. At first that was all we really did. And yes, at the beginning it pleased me and I wanted to make him happy. Well, then it became a requirement. I remember clearly the first night he really threw a fit about me turning him down, and then I realized I could also satisfy him with just a "hand-job". (sorry for being graphic everyone!) And then I remember clearly him saying that "if you'd just give me a BJ anytime I'm upset I'll be in a much better mood" and he was acting like he was joking, but he really. So now I've been stuck in this truly vicious cycle where I do something to please him physically at least once a day (I usually get a break twice a week when he's out drinking). And sometimes one time a day isn't enough to put me in the clear.

At times I've thought, ok, this is fine, I can live this way, but lately more and more I'm thinking I can't. I feel very used and controlled. I don't know why he behaves this way and no longer care. Basically, it's another way he can control me. I do it to avoid the pouting, temper tantrums or the accusations that I just don't care and don't love him enough.

Sometimes I get fed up, like last week, and he had to go 2 days with nothing. That pissed him off so much that he accused me of having an affair. Which is ridiculous since I'm almost always at home and HE'S the one going out twice a week til all hours or not coming home at all. I pointed this out and that's when he accused me of turning things around on him, not letting him be upset and he stormed out slamming doors behind him.

I wish I could help you. Forcing sex is wrong on so many levels yet we seem to not see that we're being forced until we're so caught up in it. I feel for you and wish I could help you. I could suggest that you stop doing it, try to stand up to him and see what happens. It'll probably cause a fight but at least maybe you'd feel good about taking a stand? I know I do, although those times are too few and far between.

Just know you're not alone.
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:55pm

Thanks a lot L...It's good to know I'm not alone, but in a way it's not too (that means more than just my guy does the same thing, which is sad). I can't do anything here at work but think about all the ways he fits the "abuser" stereotype, but not the physical part. Plus, I see a lot of the ways my ex-husband acted as abuser behaviors now as well.

I'm feeling pretty scared--I don't want to go home tonight to face him, but I'm afraid to not pretend everything's ok. I don't feel like I can really turn to my family because I almost left him two other times and just went back to him and ended up hurting their feelings because I was so stubborn about it and wouldn't listen to a word they had to say. I'll be going to Thanksgiving alone though, so I might corner my mom to talk to her about it even though I don't expect any sympathy from her. In the meantime, maybe I should start looking for apartments...

Thanks again L!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 8:59am

Welcome, flipper.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 10:11am

I had all of my courage worked up to tell him I wanted some "space" until I went home last night. We had an enjoyable evening which made me doubt that what I was feeling was valid. But, I tried to tell myself that if I'm having these thoughts about leaving, there must be a real reason. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about all I'd need to do in order to leave him and it started to get overwhelming.

I'm at work right now and all I can do is think about this and how I probably shouldn't go back there tonight. I'm supposed to meet him for lunch today and if I don't, he'll know something's up...he already suspects it anyway because I told him last night I didn't want to give him oral sex. He's been telling me constantly that I'm acting "weird" and wonders if I'm mad at him...I'm too afraid to tell him that I am, even though he tells me I shouldn't be afraid to tell him anything.

He called a few times yesterday while I was at work and I'm always getting a guilt trip about not calling HIM while I'm here. But, I just started this job and don't feel like I can really do that...I told him that and he told me I'm just being silly and that of course I can, I just don't want to. Also, if I don't email him throughout the day, he starts to panic (because that's what happened when I almost made a break for it before)and calls me frantically and pushes me about why I didn't email him. He asks me about everyone I talk to at work--what their names are and what exactly we talked about. I feel like I'm always being grilled.

He wanted me to quit this new job so I could write full-time (which I had contemplated at one point)because I could make it into a full-time job. I was complaining about how I hardly get to talk to anyone here because of the nature of my work and he keeps saying I could just quit and write full-time. That's supposed to make the isolation better, although I'd be working from home (he works from home now). When I told him I didn't think that would do any good, he said that he didn't want to hear me complaining about the job then...

He gets mad at me for not talking more--he actually started yelling at me because on a Saturday morning I went an hour or two without saying anything, even though it was because I was busy! It was, of course, all my fault and I was just becoming one of those "librarian types" (I work in a library) who never wants to talk. He finds it abnormal that sometimes I just don't feel like talking (well, I especially don't if I know I won't be heard or will be put down for what I say)...he told me that maybe I was right about what I told him before we got together--I had said that sometimes I can be a little boring...he said that he didn't realize how bad it really was until that day when I didn't talk for a few hours--this is a guy who has asked me to marry him!!

Also, everything's always a joke...and if I don't find it funny, then I'm just being too sensitive. According to him, I always overthink things and get myself worked up over nothing. I have always been a sensitive person, so I did some reading about it and tried to alter the way I perceive things, but I still always felt hurt by some of the remarks he made...that's when I really started thinking that what he was saying wasn't right. If I bring up anything that upsets me, he always asks me if it's really something we need to talk about or if I'm just being too sensitive...then, if I say that I'm not being too sensitive, he tells me I'm just dramatic and he won't put up with it. (He claims his mom was like this her whole life and he refuses to live with someone who "blows things out of proportion")

This has become entirely too long of a post...I'm so sorry. I am just really confused about what to do. I don't know anyone in this town except for him. I don't really know people here at work, although there is a nice woman that would probably be helpful if I told her about what's going on. I just don't know how to do it without breaking down into tears and feeling like an idiot. Should I try to talk to her anyway??

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:06pm
flipper,
I don't post here often but I read several of the posts looking for encouragement. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine although I've been married to this man for 17 years. Like you, I have a job in a quiet office which entitles me way too much time to think (and read message boards). What I have learned is to listen to your heart. Somehow we know when things aren't right. I knew the day of our wedding that this wasn't right. Now I have spent 17 years in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. He doesn't like my family, if I have an opinion it's wrong, I can't live up to his standards, if he doesn't get sex on demand I'm selfish and he pouts or makes sarcastic remarks for ever. If he does do me a favor I'm expected to re-pay him with sex. I have 2 sons (grown now) from my 1st marriage. He throws in my face how he helped pay to raise them, paid for their insurance (we have a group plan so it really never cost him a dime), and all we have done is use him.
Why do I stay, because we have an 12 year old daughter. He is on disability and between his SSDI and his disability policy through his employer he makes more money than I do working full time. He has told me that if I leave he will fight for custody of our daughter and money talks. In our state, a child can pick which parent to live with at the age of 14. I have been putting money away, paying off my charge card, and counting the months until she is 14.
I guess what I'm saying is, really take a look at your current situation. If you do marry this man, at the minimum this is what you married life will be. It could even get worse and believe me the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. A relationship has to have respect not control. Try not to get overwhelmed about leaving if this is what you decide to do. Put together a basic plan such as getting an apartment, maybe a little extra cash stash. You already have a job, and you could always make a little extra money with your writing. Hang in there.
Janet
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:00pm

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Are you married to my ex?


Flipper, honey, this man is a control freak of the highest order, he's emotionally abusive, possessive, and is using every control tactic in the book - demanding oral sex, guilt trips, constant phone calls and emails, demanding you speak to him, wanting you to quit your job...good god, I got scared reading this post!

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:21pm

CL-blue,

Thank you so much for your post!!

I don't know if this constitutes getting "physical", but I have found bruises on my arms from where he's held me down (he's a big guy) during sex... I didn't fight it though, partially because I didn't know what his reaction would be. When I told him the bruises were from him, he denied that he ever held me down at that certain spot, even though I know he did. I'm very fair-skinned and show bruises easily...and have been tested for a vitamin K deficiency (which was very close to being the in the abnormal range), but I still know that he gave me those bruises.

He also pinches me really hard, and even after I tell him that it really hurts, he continues to do it. I start to just "adapt" and let it go because I don't want an argument to ensue.

I still don't know what to do for tonight...he's emailed me 8 times this morning (without me ever sending one or taking one of his three phone calls) trying to tell me why we should get together and talk, etc...he's offered to go to counseling (how many of these people ACTUALLY change their ways??) and told me it's "okay" if I just want to stay at a hotel tonight. Since things are strained with my parents (because of him!), I don't know if I can just show up at their doorstep. It'd be a two hour drive for me to find out... And, of course, I don't have any of my stuff...including my anti-depressants!

Please help...I have about 3 hours to decide what I'm doing tonight. I'm trying to be strong, too and not give into him...but he says ALL the right things and can be very charming.

Thanks,
flipper

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 4:40pm

Flipper, I'm going to strongly urge you to call a shelter.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 4:58pm

Adding to Gonna's post, which was just spot on -


Counseling won't help him, either.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 5:25pm

Gonna, this post stopped me dead in my tracks. I have now been sexually assaulted by a boyfriend, an ExH, and a "fiance." If that's not a pattern, I don't know what is. I need some serious help.

I've got a friend who's husband is a social worker and she's been emailing with me all day, which has helped immensely. Still don't know what I'm going to do in 10 minutes, when I'm off of work--I'm hoping to hear from my parents and have them tell me I can come home. He's never been to my hometown and I doubt he would make the effort to try to find me there.

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