A little embarassing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
A little embarassing...
12
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:44pm

So, I've been reading through these posts, and it's got me wondering...

I read about men using sex for narcissistic reasons. Ever since my relationship with my fiance got physical, I've been expected to give him oral sex either as a precursor to intercourse, or as the entire "event." In the beginning, I told him that I had had a bad experience with my ex-husband (it had not been long at ALL since it had happened)and described in detail what I had problems with. He told me that he understood, but expected someone he's serious with to understand that's a need that guys have. Well, I felt like I was "getting over" the thing with my ex by performing oral sex on my fiance. I'm now caught in a cycle of giving it every night and if I'm lucky, he might touch me a little bit. There's absolutely no foreplay if it does lead to intercourse--I'm supposed to get excited by going down on him (according to him).

I brought up the fact that I feel like this give-and-take is not really one at all--like all I do is give--a while back and he got upset with me and made me feel like it was just my fault. I did have a bad experience with someone performing oral sex on me when I repeatedly told them I didn't want it (weird, I know) and had told my fiance about that... But, that's been several years since it happened and I didn't have a problem with it with my ex-husband, so him using it as an excuse doesn't fly with me. I could count the number of times he's even attempted to give me oral sex on one hand--and the number of times I've given it to him is well over a thousand within this one year. By the way, it's not just once--I have to do it three times each time before he's satisfied.

His mother passed away about a year ago at this time and they did not have a good relationship at all...could this be part of it?

I'm also experiencing some issues of being isolated from friends and family and not really having a life outside of work unless it's with him... But, I've brought those up recently and I think there might be some progress there. I've come very close to leaving a few times, but have always been persuaded to stay... Had a falling-out with my family about it and now even if we stay together, I don't know that I could ever have a GOOD relationship with them because I told them about a few of the controlling things he does.

Can someone provide some insight for me??

Thanks...+

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 12:08am

Hi all,

Just thought I'd give you an update... I DID leave him...I drove straight from work to my aunt's house where I called my parents. At first, I didn't tell them about the rape and assault, but as we started discussing what my next step will be, my dad didn't seem terribly concerned about the safety issue. That's when I decided to tell them... Now we're trying to figure out whether it's safe for me to even be in that town, working at that job (he works from home and has no set hours).

My mom's thought was that if I cut and colored my hair (I can be spotted easily because I have long red hair right now--which I swore I would NEVER color!), he probably wouldn't recognize me. Although, if he just decides to come see if I'm in my office, he'd know as soon as he walked in that it was me... My office situation--I'm in a suite with 4 other people, often left alone for hours at a time while they're in meetings. My office is at the end of the hallway, and people very rarely come back there to see me. Not many people come through the suite on a daily basis. I don't know if I'm being overly paranoid, but it makes me pretty uncomfortable to think about being in that office by myself...

He's been emailing me non-stop even after I told him not to...plus, now he's forwarding them to my parents because he "doesn't know if I've been getting them at my address" (since he hasn't heard back from me)--they're all about how he just wants to work through things, blah blah blah... they make him out to look like a good guy (anyone who doesn't know him), but I can tell it's all crap. My parents haven't read them, but they may at some point... He told me in the last one that his sister and nephews are there right now, so I shouldn't feel uncomfortable coming to get anything. I think that sounds fishy--it's a 7 1/2 hr. drive for them to get there, they haven't visited him in the 3 yrs. that he's been in that house, and there were no plans as of Wed. for them to come up. I told my mom that I thought it was a ploy and that if I did show up thinking they were there, he'd say, "oh, well...they just took off this morning." Or something like that... Do I sound like I'm off my rocker???

My parents want me to email him so I can have him either meet them in a neutral location to pick up some of my stuff, or put my stuff out on his driveway...but I keep going back to the "no contact" thing. There are things in the house that I really do need, but I've even wondered how safe they would be going to the house. They had the thought that I could go with the policeman who lived down the street from us to get some essential stuff, but I know he won't open the door unless it's just me. My parents tried to come talk to me one time and he wouldn't open the door for them, or the policeman that knocked on the door. He has a degree in criminology--he knows what he can get away with and what he does and doesn't have to do legally--that's what scares me.

I really need some advice here--do I go back to get any of my stuff? Do I stay in that job or just leave the town all together (I'm staying with my parents 2 hrs. away right now)? Do I get a RO (I think it just might enrage him and put me at more risk)? Or, do I try to stay there and not let him run me out of town and potentially risk my safety?

One other thing that came to mind--I know he had a girlfriend of 5 years who he said used to take off all the time and go to her parents' house unexpectedly. He just said she was immature, unstable, etc...but I'm thinking maybe she went through the same thing and it just took her 5 years before she had the strength to get out of it... I know she ended up moving out of town once they broke up. Makes me wonder how many other women like me there are out there...who might've been raped by him and he's never had to pay for it because he knows how to get away with it (no visible bruises, mind control, etc.).

Any advice???

Thanks,
flipper

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 11-27-2005 - 8:26am

Congratulations on your newfound freedom.

 

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