A little long, but an update ...
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| Fri, 02-04-2005 - 11:10pm |
1st off, Wow. Its amazing how a body/mind works. The sheer ANXIETY of the waiting till March to do this, must have been what was keeping me up (duh!) - Ave & I shut the tv off at 11:30pm. In 3+ weeks, there hasnt been 1 day since (Oooh, rolmao - Ave just screamed when James stepped on her on the floor "Owwwwww! You must stepped on my GINA James!!!") i didnt, as usual, toss & turn 3-4 horus b4 sleeping fitfully the rest of the nite. I dont even REMEBER trying to fall asleep ... & i woke ot pee, assuming it was 2am or something, & it was SIX-THIRTY! Havent slept like that in ages. Looking forward to it tonite again, still here at my freinds. :)
This AM BIL called & said "I think i made a bad situation worse". Apparently M said to him that "if i can just hold out till court, maybe then i can go back home". His brother said he told him "I think R has already filed for Divorce". BIL said "He is now completely out of his mind". Thats the last i heard until later in the day. & i did tell BIL this "I DO plan to file b4 the next court date. I will speak w/ my atty today. But if you think that it will help him stay somewhat under control, you can tell him honestly that i havent filed at this point, but i plan to. & the worse he acts, the faster i will file". Its not lying or giving him false hope, but it may give him some sense of needing to follow the order so it doesnt force me to file right away, & it may give me more safety. Althoguh, i will be filing b4 the court date in 3 weeks, either way. Also, i told BIL that i in no way intend to or want to keep dd from him indefinatly, but it is completley up to HIS behavior, whether or not he gets to see her after this next court date. The RO will stay on my either way, & if he has held it together & been sane & non-violent, then it is in both their best interests to see eachother.
So then i about lost it today leaving my brothers, dd said "Can i call my Dada?" She still has no idea whats giong on, she just thinks we are away & he is at work. I haev an appt w/ the DV couselor for kids on Monday to see WHAT & HOW i tell her. So, i told her "not right now". She got pretty weepy, i said he was at work. She cried "But i miss him! I havent *seendeded* him in TWO DAYS! Please Mommy, please i need to call him. Cant i just leave him a message?". So, i dialed my own phone # & told her she could "leave him a message". She said "Hi Dadda! I love you! I miss you! If you need anything, call us at ***-****, ok?" (she just learned out phone # & is all into reapeating what she hears me say on the phone ... just WEIRD she chose "if you need anything", ugh) Then she said "Its my BIRTHDAY tomorrow, Im sorry you cant come b/c you have to work. I will miss you sooooo.... much." Then she sang a full happy bday song to him, edning with "I love you Dear Dadda ... & i miss you ... & Mamma too!" I said "What - & Mamma too?" & she said "& Mamma loves him too". Ouch.
THEN, in 2 seconds, as i was recovering from that, the phone rings, its his brother. M needed his meds & i arranged for the cat sitter to put them in teh mailbox. Then his brother tells me "M's staying at the Seamans Church Institute". I about sank. Its a freaking SHELTER. It like one TINY step above the city homeless shelter - i think they do have their own "rooms", its for people w/ no where to live, & a little money. I think its like $50 a week or something. What amazes me is he hasnt cleaned out the checking account. He took $300 of the $1500 (i called the bank). I really thought he would. In fact truthfully, i decided to leave it in there b/c he HAS no money (ok'd this w/ the atty 1st). I expected & was fine w/ me, for him to take it - he needs something to live on. (btw, he did have a 2nd interview today for a pretty good job. Its year round - rare in this town, in the business of boating - doesnt pay a ton, but is full time, benefits, vacation & all. Something he hasnt had in a LONG time. I really hope he gets it b/c maybe it will give him some sense of responisbility & pride ... MAYBE it will help him get on track - & then maybe i could get SOME form or chid support). Anyway, i was pretty devestated for a minute or 2, hearing where he was ... BUT ... then i rememebered that that is the main AA meeting place in town. Who knows, MAYBE, SOMEHOW he will see what he needs ... AA & the whole philosophy behind it. (well, he obvioulsy need MORE than AA, but it would be a start) I was truly very suprised he went there, he told his brother he slept in his car last nite, which is ridiculous (IF its even true), but if he wants to be a martyr, thats his choice ... he does have freinds & some family he could have gone to, but BIL said "He doesnt want anyone to know". It hurts to know that just a few days ago he was warm & cozy in our beautiful house, snuggling w/ Ave & playing ball with the dogs ... & now he is there. But its where he put HIMSELF, & its not my fault. I just have to not picture him there, sad, alone ... Its NOT my problem. But he must be less outraged at this point, from this morning ... from what it sounds like.
So, thast it. dd & I & my Dad & dd will go back tomorrow. & my brother will come the next couple nites. Then there is Tues, Wed, Thurs when i would be alone - so we will likely go stay elsewhere ... then my uncle comes Fri & sat to stay with us. MAYBE my Dad actually can come back mid- week. I will be having the locks changed & the security syetem set up as well. Then after next Sunday, (a week from this sunday) we will be alone if things seem quiet. But i wont hesitate to leave again, if it seems like he is stalking me or something.
Thats my story & i am sticking to it! Thank you for putting up w/ the the stress, fear, venting & drama! & listening! R~
Oh, and Yes I, i am careful about BIL. Although i do know BIL is supportive, he IS his blood. & yes, he is the one who was abusive to HIS wife. Whats so weird, is each OTHER is appalled at the others actions ... screwy.
I dont say anything to him, at ALL, that i wouldnt want to get to STBX or ANYone.
... AND, as of today i plan to cut off most commuinication now w/ BIL b/c I am over feeling the need! And I did check w/ the issuing agency BEFORE i called BIL - she said that as long as BIL is NOT on the order, it is ok to talk to him. she said "you should refrain from giving him any 'messages' to give his brother" ... "but its hard to prove this was done once an order is in effect - if you have done so, stop now". So, i will tkae that advice, & yours, & stop now. I did also tell my atty those few comments i made to BIL, to tell M, & he wasnt worried about it - but suggessted from here on in i say very little. ZIP! :)

