Living with a "Ranter"
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| Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:39pm |
Good Afternoon everyone.
My situation is that my fiance is a ranter. If he is angry over one little thing, he yells and screams and then that one little thing turns into bigger things and other things, and he screams and yells and screams and yells.
During the rants, he ALWAYS says that he loves me and asks "why are you doing this to me?" Sometimes I think that I am really doing something to him. But most of the time I think that he's just over-exaggerating things. His favourite time to rant is when we are in the car, commuting to work, at 7:00 in the morning. We are stuck together in the car for 45 minutes, and he'll start, and it seems that each time I ask him to stop, he goes harder.
This morning, as an example, he started by asking me why I pushed him away during sex on Friday night. I told him that I was just tired. I have told him over and over again, that as much as I love sex (and I really do), that waking me up for it in the middle of the night doesn't work for me. I feel too groggy and gross. Right when we go to bed is the best. Even though I've told him this, he still tries, and when I don't respond to him like I do otherwise. And even though he knows this, and tries, he gets aggravated and rants at me because his feelings are hurt. I can understand his feelings getting hurt the first time, but after explaining myself, I thought he would "get it". Also, I have talked to my doctor about the ranting and raving, and how I feel awful all the time, and she's put me on anti-depressants. I've only been taking them for about a week, but they aare supposed to help me sleep, which means that our sex life hasn't been the greatest in the last week (we usually do it three or four times a week, which is how we both like it). I told him right when I started the meds that I would be tired.
Anyway, he ranted about that, all the while I'm trying to tell him there's nothing wrong with our sex life, it's just that I'm tired from the meds, and I am not into it in the middle of the night (for the millionth time). Then, he flips into the fact that he watched the kids and cleaned all weekend, while I did nothing but have fun all weekend. See, I try not to spend too much time with him because we can have a great three or four hours together, but anything more than that, he rants. But this morning he was ranting because I didn't spend time with him, and I'm telling him it's because he rants. It's a vicious circle and it's driving me crazy. Literally. Then he starts ranting that I don't find him attractive and he's going to work out until he looks like superman and have plastic surgery and whatever it takes to make me want him again. I feel like I'm going nuts. By the time he got me to work, I felt like crying, (after he started ranting about me not loving his daughter), and when I was about to get at the car, he screamed "Just admit it! You hate me!". Which is a stupid thing to say!
I've been telling DF to start taking medication too, and maybe if we were both on it, that things would simmer down a bit.
I'm scared that we are going to fall apart. It feels like we're grasping at straws. I know I'm not perfect, but I think that I've done my part by trying to get help, and now I feel that he needs to do something.....anything....to stop this ranting. I keep thinking that he needs to grow up. I know that I'm right. I know it.
The sad thing is that I have a really good relationship with his Mom. She knows that he is like this, and he has been this way forever, because he was spoiled. And that's exactly what he acts like, a spoiled brat....almost like a 6 year old.
What can I do? is there anything that I can try to help him to be able to talk to me normally about my concerns instead of rant and rave? Anything besides offering an ultimatum?
Another thing is that he doesn't hit, or call names....and he treats me like gold when he isn't ranting. He is very romantic, and thinks the world of me.....but he is very jealous. And I know that is another red flag.
I'm very confused. I've been thinking about couple's counselling.....but I'm wondering if it would be more effective for me to start going to counselling on my own, or to a support group or something...but what kind of group or counselling should I be looking for?
Leaving him right now is not an optioin, because our life is not intolerable. The only thing that is intolerable is this ranting....
I plan to copy and post this on other boards to get different opinions. Thanks in advance!
Sarah


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Welcome to the board Sarah....
Well, I have to say that you definitely took the words right out of my mouth.
I thought that antidepressants would help me to "tune out" the ranting. That they might help me to not take what he says personally, and to stop the "crazy" feeling. I really do feel like I'm going crazy. I also thought that maybe it was me. Maybe I am the one with the problems. Maybe this is all in my head. I guess I thought the meds would validate what I've been thinking all along. That he's living in never never land, and refuses to grow up.
I think I will go to personal counselling. It can't hurt.
Sarah
:)
Lurker here, sorry to barge in, but I thought it was important that I clarify, and if I'm wrong in what I understand, it's important for me to have a better understanding.
Everyone here is in agreement that individual counseling would be good for Sarah, but no one has said anything about the type of counselor she should see. From what I've read here before, the only kind of counselor that will help Sarah get better is a counselor thta's certified for abuse counseling, right? "Regular" counselors won't address the abuse and will make her more confused and make her situation worse, right?
The reason we reccomend a DV counselor is because they are trained in Domestic Violence/Abuse and they know and understand the dynamics of it.
Sarah, I would like to tell you something about my abuser. This is JUST how he started out. He treated my like gold. He bragged to everyone within earshot how smart i was, how beautiful i was & how i was "the best nurse", etc.
Hi Sarah: Would just also like to add my two cents. I totally agree with Rebecca. This is how my relationship with my husband started. He was absolutely wonderful and so romantic. Always knew the right thing to say and do to make me feel really loved and special. I had people telling me (including a judge he knew) how lucky I was to be marrying him. (Of course he said the right thing here to – that he was the lucky one) Now fast forward my life to 27 years (sadly) later. Now, after coming to this board, I am finally finding out the true relationship we had. Everything was an act designed to get me to fall into his trap. Now I am finding out that all his rants, overreactions, tantrums are because he is all about himself. He does not and never did care about me. He will swear to his dying day how much in love with me he is. I do not feel loved and have not for a long time.
Here is an example from our early years. When I was pregnant with our 2nd child and at my last doctor appointment before she was to be born, the doctor decided that my blood pressure was too high and told me to go home and get my things in order and then GO RIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL. This threw my husband off . He was then torn between being with me at the hospital and taking my other daughter (who was only 20 months old and not likely to realize what she would miss) trick or treating since it was Halloween. He drove me home and instead of following doctor’s orders he did what he needed to do for his comfort first and then drove me to the hospital – all the while ranting at me about something. (Driving is one of their favorite places to rant because they have you as a captive audience.) What do you think that did to my blood pressure. I was so surprised that he would treat me this way, knowing that my blood pressure was what the doctors were concerned about. I just sat there and took it – didn’t want to say anything that would further upset him. After he got it all out he was nice and calm, and my baby was in more danger since my blood pressure surely had to go up at least another 20 points from him. When we got to the hospital, the doctors and nurses who had been expecting me a couple of hours sooner were frantic that something had happened to me.
Over the years there have been many examples of this. I used to wonder why he would react so angrily or violently, why he would get mad when I was sick which was not very often and why he would get angry when I cried (also not often) instead of offering comfort. The answer, as I said above, is that its all about him. If the focus is not on him and his needs and his feelings, he will react in a childish way. Yes, 6 years old is where I would put my husband’s behavior, even now at 58.
I have not had a moment’s peace since I have been married to him. And he has been getting steadily worse. I am sorry to say they never improve and no amount of trying to reason with them will do any good. Now my kids are emotionally affected by him and the toxic environment he has created in our home. They try to reason with him and are finding out how impossible it is.
Like Rebecca said, its very sad that he has driven you to medication when he is the one with the problem.
I can’t tell you to leave him but keep reading the posts on this board. Educate yourself and try to figure out who he really is before you make your lifelong commitment.
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