Living without Sex--forever?
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| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:52am |
One of the big casualties of being in an abusive relationship is that my sex life is just gone, gone, gone. So I worry: will it always be like this? When do **I** get my satisfaction and not have to do-without because the man I'm with is an abuser?
Man, this is something that has really bothered me. I'm in the midst of dealing with this whole issue and while I won't be in a position to do anything for a while yet, I can't help but think/imagine "how it will be." And I'm not loving my current gut reaction, which concerns the h3ll outta me.
To wit: As my mariage deteriorated, sex became less and less often, til it was once every couple of months, and even then it was just because I couldn't stand it anymore, so I got half-drunk and did the "close your eyes and think of england" thing: Sure, I got the nut, but no satisfaction -- in fact, it left me feeling worse than before emotionally. There's been =nothing= since last December and not likely to be anytime in the near-to-middling future.
And the weird thing is, I have gotten to where I (almost) don't care. It's been so long since I have been with someone... I take care of myself alright so far as that goes, but sex has become this vague, blurred memory or idea, not a reality in my life.
I used to think of myself as having a normal sex-drive, and I recall quite enjoying sex, but now it's like I'm an amoeba: nothing. I can go out and see a guy and think "wow he's hot, I'd like to have some of that," lol, but it's all theoretical anymore. I can't imagine actually being with someone.
Plus, lol, idiot that I am, I keep looking at guys who are all wrong for me. The problem is, in all my years of being married/involved, I've gotten older (imagine that! lol) while what I find attractive has remained the same. So now, the kind of guys who I have always found attractive are inappropriately young for a woman of my age. So on top of everything else, I have to figure out how to find more-age-appropriate guys attractive. Sing it with me: Steely Dan's "Hey 19", lolol...
H3ll, my fantasy life isn't even all that sexual anymore! I fantasize about meeting someone who adores me, that there's a mutual attraction, but I never seem to get past that. Instead, I obsess about how we'd meet, about making the details of the setting/situation as realistic as possible; I might even fantasize about embracing and kissing, but never (and I mean never enough that I feel that "never" is accurate) do I "go there" and imagine what it would be like to completely sexually engage with someone else. I'm trapped in perpetual fantasy foreplay -- WTH is up with that???
Part of it is that I always felt like, if I can't be me in my fantasy -- and that means the me that has all my warts and wrinkles, and kids to think of, and work, and a life (and how do I deal-with in a fantasy that I'm still married to an abuser? what happens to him and the situation?) -- in the end I am tripped-up by the thought if I am being sexual with someone in my fantasy, then it can't be "me" in that fantasy because the "real me" can't get with anyone else, and then what's the point???
Oh man it makes my brain hurt. Why can't I just fantasize about getting f***ed and enjoy that? Too much reality in my fantasy. I think in part it's a result of that old-school "good girls do/don't" that many women my age (I'm 45) grew up with -- burning questions like: is even just fantasizing about sex with someone else a sort of cheating? And what "counts" -- is it really "something" if you only flirt/hold hands/embrace/kiss? Or does it "not count" if you do everything else but don't actually have intercourse? Where does oral sex fall on this continuum? What about the emotional versus the strictly-physical sides? Why the h3ll is a reasonably intelligent and mature 45 year old woman worrying about this stuff as though I were still 18??? lolol!
A deeper part is that because I am emerging from a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship, my focus is more about receiving love and respect from any potential partner, versus being focused on Gettin' Da Nut. I'd need to get my head in order and to really qualify any potential partner before getting involved, because of my fragility in this matter. And it's just common sense not to get involved with someone else just because you "don't want to be alone."
I mean really, if I just wanted to get laid, I could easily do that at almost any time. Not to be a jerk about it but I'm attractive enough that given a brief focused attempt at just hooking-up for sexual gratification, I could get results. LOL pardon me while I dislocate my shoulder, patting my own back. But really, you know what I mean.
Thing is, I don't know if, when I am finally free to do something about it, if I even should consider just "getting back on the horse" for the sake of doing it, to get some release, for the h3ll of it. I know that works for some people as a form of closure, but knowing myself, I think that any form of sex-for-sex's-sake would be just as bad, and just as emotionally vacant and draining, as what I've chosen to live without was.
Back in the summer of 2004, I kissed -- just kissed -- another guy (long story): first time in almost 15 years I'd kissed someone other than my spouse -- and it was lovely! exciting! arousing! and I felt horrible afterwards. Maybe that's laughable to someone else, to get so wrought-up over "just" a kiss, but for me, it was not a good thing to do. At least I learned some good lessons from it.
I've never been good at "just sex." I need context: love, respect, intimacy that's not just fleeting physicality.
So that means it will be even longer before I ever get with anyone else, and if I'm already losing my sense of sexuality/drive, where the heck am I gonna be however-long in the future? Am I doomed to be an amoeba? Am I doomed to be squirrelly about sex and relationships because of the BS I've been through and my own sense of fragility? That'd suck!
And the damnable thing is, I'm not even at the point where it's worthwhile to bring up all this in therapy, since by the time I get to use whatever I've figured-out, it'll be far enough in the future that I imagine things will have changed enough to throw any original conclusions I reach now -- when it's really begun bothering me -- out the window... arghhhh
And it's similarly damnable that I can have worked through the issues of what happened in my marriage -- the abuse, my own responsibilities, and so on -- to the extent that I feel that I have "come out okay," that insofar as the interpersonal aspects of the marriage went, I have attained a fair resolution and sense of closure within myself -- and yet the sex thing stymies me. There it sits on the shelf, blowing raspberries at me.
So I'll definitely be coming back here to see what folks have to say on the subject from their own experience or even in terms of advice -- hopefully I'll learn something! You never know when that "forum satori" will strike, lol...

Sweetie,
since having my son I may as well be a virgin again. I tried once with a guy I dated and have the you're here, I'm in the mood let's get it on thing. You are right and it didn't work. He could rise to the occasion and then blamed me for it. AND had the nerve to ask afterwards when we could do/try it again.
I had pretty much forgotten too what it was like to be touched by a man and then I went on a date with a really nice guy I really connected with. And now after kissing and a little foreplay I remember again. OMG do I remember and really miss "it" now.
Things haven't worked out with the nice guy, but I've got a few other prospects so maybe one of those will pan out and I can finally be affectionate with someone I can trust again.
In the meantime, I clean my house when I get frustrated. And my friends will tell you I've got the cleanest house on my street. It works in getting hot and tired so I don't think about it and I have a clean house which is nice too.
Feel better now.
-Jennifer
The hardest part of it for me isn't so much that I don't feel sexual anymore, but that I feel he DAMAGED me, and it makes me feel upset when i think about it.