long long post but please give input

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
long long post but please give input
1
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 3:58am
Hi everyone, i am sorry because this post will be quite long,but how few of words can i write to try to explain the crazy dysfunctional life i am in. let me back up to december of last year. i was posting quite often, i was really scared yet excited because after 17 yrs. i had took my then 14 yr. old son and myself and left a very verbally and emotionally abused life and started over. my h and i still had contact we had only one car and he needed it for work and i also needed the car, my h would get off of work in morning and stop and pick son up for school and go home to sleep and after school would bring son home and sometimes leave or sleep in my bed till time to go to work. this arrangment worked very well for us and we got along perfect, we did this all winter and spring. it was sad because i had finally got the almost perfect relationship i had always prayed for.i forgot to mention that when my son and i moved here my then 19 yr. old step son asked if he could live with us and because i also helped raise my two stepsons i love them like there my own. his life at his moms was crazy in its self. he was to get a job or go to school if he lived here for pretty much free.life went on calm and i was somewhat happy. then in march my h and i started talking about living together again and make our marraige work, not that i didn't want it so bad but i was absoulutly terrified i was struggling to make the choice.i was so afraid that things would go back to the old ways with the verbal abuse and the day in day out badgering about everything.when i left h i moved into my mom and step dad's duplex that they live next door and own, the only stipulation they put on me was that if me and my h ever got back together they would not tolerate listening to him verbally abuse me not just for my son and myself but my step dad is very very ill needing a kidney transplant and my mom is not in best of health they could not handle such stress they live a quite routine life. my h made so many promises and yes he did in the past but for the first time his action held up to his words for monthes. finally i agreed we would try it but we would wait till june when our son was out of school plus i think i was trying to buy more time to see if i could back out, because i knew deep down that God could change him but that was it it would take a miracle from God cause he is to far gone to do it on his own.if you have read this far thank you and i promise the good {bad} parts are yet to come.april came and it was my b-day we had our first fight the night before and i didn't even get a call for my b=day but i was relieved. i saw him slipping a little bit back to his old ways. the next day he was all lovey dovey saying he had waited all day for me to stop by cause he had no phone or car there.{he had a friend next door with car and phone} with in a few days of this his roommate up and left him and my h lost yet another job { big problem through the years never has held a job] he has been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder but i will only let that justify his behavior to a point NEVER to the point of abuse.so here i was h homeless our son feeling bad not wanting dad on streets after all h said we are just doing this 2 mo. early,i promise i will get job soon was his words.{step son almost 20 now still not working i was ready to give him altomatium, but now i would have to wait till h got job AGAIN otherwise i felt hypicritical} okay now it is beginning of may h has moved in by now { i cried all day the day he moved in feeling i was going backwards in life} everything was going well and i should of known too well. the one thing i had been trying to get my h to understand was that i needed his emotional support that when life got crazy he needed to stand with me not fight against me i have a bad problem attracting everyones drama and i promise ,you could ask my family i don't go looking for other peoples problems they bring them to my door.when life begins to get crazy for me and i didn't cause it my h has a problem blaming me for everything people dump on me even when he sees i'm stuck he shows me no support he badgers me and makes the problems worse. here is a prime example,my 20 yr. old daug. and 3 yr. old granddaug. became homeless{ my daug. fault but reguardless} i had made a family room in my garage and she asked if they could live with us there was no place else. so i said of course this is my kid and grandbaby.even though my h is her step dad he raised her and yes he also emotionally abused her in childhood looking back. all the sweetness left him and though he would try at times his meaness always wins out he loves our granddaug. to pieces and has no problem with her being here but the first thing i hear when i wake up is about my daug. needing a job the last thing i hear when i go to bed is all my daug. fault and then he had the balls to tell me that if i didn't make her leave we were done he constantly complains how bad he hates it here he wants to leave. so you can imagine what i told him. first if you want to leave don't let door hit you in the butt, second that i never {though i tried} kept you fron verbally abusing my daug. as a child and that i would NEVER allow it again no matter how old she is, and if you try to make me choose between you and my child i choose my child hands down. i know i need to wrap this up but i need to finish even if no one is reading this.my h is so anal about almost everything from how the garbage is to be rotated and disposed of to hiding the toothpaste if he feels son and daug. need to buy there own to counting how many articles of clothing are put into the washer so it is not overloaded to hiding the phone so kids can't use it because he pays all the bills you know. right the man just got another job for the 28th time in 17 yrs. {swear} and brings home about 4-5oo.oo a mo. net because of less hours and yrs. of unpaid child support he neglected for yrs. in between jobs.i live off of disability and by the grace of God get a decent income he DOES NOT support the household he is supporting himself {sometimes} if i sound that i am putting my husband down i really am not he forces me to give him a reality check and get him off his high horse of self rightenous.my daug. babysits full time to meet her daug. needs and for now with no car babysitter etc. it works he is just angry that he has to work and it is somthing to put her down for. i myself want to see daug. exceed in life and i am trying to help her after a long unhealthy relationship she herself has recently left she will be fine but he won't leave it or me alone about it.i am constantly having to stick up for my step son his biological son because he always is complaining about him to . the kid finally got a job but now according to h he doesn't pay enough. it is always somthing about someone it NEVER NEVER ends. sometimes i wish i could duck tape the mans mouth or put a muzzle on it he is driving me crazy.he can be in the best of moods and i leave to the store for 10 min. i come back and he is in a rage sometimes for somthing as stupid as someone threw a pop can in garbage can instead of recycling.sometimes he goes 2 wks. or longer and he is just fine he goes through life on a even keel i never know what to expect.i know i have painted a ugly picture of him and you may think i am being contridictory but my h does have alot of good points too, this is what makes it so hard for me. his kids love him yet hate him and for this my heart breaks for the kids.what makes me the most upset is our 15 yr. old son we have together he gets angry at me for letting my h come back but yet other times he says he will live with dad before me.he himself is so angry and confused and this makes me feel a hatred for my h.okay here is the biggy that i need you guys to tell me if i was totally off my rocker, i won't be able to give you every detail but here is the summary.like i told you already my h and i have been together 17 yrs. there for i have helped raise his 2 boys since they were 1 and 3 through the yrs. my h wouldn't deal with the boys mother so i had to do all the communicating we have always hit it off and for many years the boys their mom and her bf lived inly a few driveways away. my h has never seemed to mind us being friends as long as she didn't spend to much time in our home. they were never married and had only lived together about 4-5 yrs. almost 20 yrs. ago i don't even think about them in that way.she was in a bad drug and other crazy stuff relationship for last couple yrs. and finally the creep she lived with {and i mean creep he had slept with her adult daug.} and many other things i won't go into,got busted for iilegal stuff and she finally dumped him it was taken out of her hands. her family is real small and when all of this came out they played tough love and disowned her her daug. mother sister brother would not let her stay with them they are very judgemental. she came to me crying asking me to let her stay in my garage temporarly with my daug who stays out there. i was flabbergasted i didn't know what to say and maybe a little resentful that she put me in such a perdicement. then her son who lives with me came up to me crying and begged me not to let his mom sleep on the street he said he would give up his bed and find another place to stay. i then was angry because of the way my h is his son couldn't go to him, so here i am with another situation on my hands and instead of support and an mature conversation about it my h started verbally attacking me for days threatning to move out leave me called me gay etc etc. then to top it off as i am narrowing down the list of possible alternitives for her to stay her daug. called me to tell her that her mother was dying of cancer and didn't want to talk to her so i had to tell her. now this is a woman that had spent time with mom and daug. daily until fall out over bf. i begged h to let her stay for a month she is gone alot at work they work opposite shifts so basically he told me to do what i want and i will pay the consequences meanind verbal abuse i then reminded him how i took him in when he screwed off another job and had no where to live knowing what a risk i was taking plus how that is the mother of his children so if nothing else do it for them . so needless to say i am paying for it daily and realize that if it wasn't this he was badgering me about it would be somthing else so i feel that i did what God would want me to do and help someone when they needed it and she is paying her way here and trying to stay out of his way. i guess i just need someone on the outside to give me there opinion.i feel that if i had a normal marraige and my h treated me descent he provided for his family and thought it best not to help her because it was in the best intrest of his family not to help her instead of it being just down right meaness then i would have considered his protest, but no matter what i do this man will object be mean and think only of himself over his children and his wife. unless of course he decides to be nice to me and then expects me to bow down to him for it for somthing most people can take for granted meaning being treated like a human being instead of a dog.thanks for reading this novel and your input. GOD BLESS *******rayner63

ent

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:08pm

(((HUGS)))


I might be too tired and in need of coffee - could you please tell me what you're asking for input on exactly? I apologize if it's clearly stated and I'm missing it.


:)

~Me