Long post, but need advice!
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| Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:55am |
In February, I met a man and fell completely head-over-heels in love with him. Insanity hit me and two weeks after meeting him, we were married (much to my family and friends chagrin). (I know....stupid, stupid...but hang on, I get more stupid here shortly) We had been married a couple of months with him having a few violent episodes, but I pushed them aside and tried to validate his way of reacting and excusing his behavior, by telling myself, that he was right and I should have done different than what I did to cause his reaction. I mean, I love him, therefore I felt I should do whatever was necessary to prove my love for him.
My youngest is five and starts kindergarten this year. I've been having that "empty nest" feeling. I expressed to my husband I wanted to have a baby and he was happy to comply. (I have three from my first marriage and he has two, so baby will make six together.) I am now 12 weeks pregnant.
Herein lies the problem. I guess you can say my eyes were opened this past weekend. We had all five children with us and DH went to work Saturday morning taking his oldest son with him. I had invited my family over for a cookout that afternoon. When he came back home around lunch and the house and it wasn't spotless, he went off. Said we were having company and the house should be clean. I told him I'd been home with four kids all day and cooking, plus I'm pregnant and tired, PLUS it's MY family. They've known me all my life and know that my biggest downfall is having a clean house, but they love me anyway. I keep it picked up, but I'm not a finantic about a clean house. Not a big deal to me or to my family...but obviously it is to DH.
The violent episodes that I have tried to overlook so far in this marriage is becoming more and more clear that DH has an anger problem. He is also INSANELY jealous. The more I anaylze the situation, the more uncomfortable I am.
Icing on the cake was Sunday...we were in church and I was writing a check. He looked at the checks and asked my middle name. I told him, but on my checks I have my children's initial, I kept as my middle name, my ex-husbands name because all my children have that name. It was important to me that my children not feel as though I'm not their mother anymore because I remarried. His face gets red and he starts shaking all over. It infuriated him that I had my ex's initial on our checks. I told him I wasn't discussing it in church and he sat with his arms crossed the rest of the service. When we got home, I told him he sat right next to me at the bank, when I told them what I wanted on our checks. Now, four months later, he wants to make a huge deal out of it?!?! He said he didn't realize that and he didn't want this new baby to have my ex-husbands name on it's birth certificate. Told him that my maiden name was on all birth certificates, not married name. Try to summarize - basically another HUGE blow up about a stinking initial on our checks!!! Unbelievable!! But what scared me was that we were in our BR and I wanted to leave. He started yelling, face red, sweating, visably shaking, arms flying as he's yelling..basically he scared me. I wanted to leave. He stood in front of the door and wouldn't let me leave. Said he wanted to talk, I told him no he wanted to scream at me. He's never restrained me to a room before, BUT I've never tried to leave either. Then he said I didn't love him enough to take that inital off our checks and I told him he didn't love me enough to understand why it's there. Then he threatened to move out..told him he'd been threatening to do that for four months now and it was his way of manipulating me and if he wanted to leave - go for it. That didn't get him what he wanted so he started using the baby - saying he wasn't going to be another part time father and what were we going to do with this baby? Told him I'd been a single parent before, I could do it again. He said if he left, he didn't want anything to do with that baby. He didn't even want it to have his name. I told him that was his choice.
Point being, his anger and threats have only escalated since day one. Now, he's forceably restraining me from leaving a room in my own house. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. It's like living with a time bomb that you never know when it's going to go off. I can't/won't live like this. I will not allow my children to watch and hear this type behavior. I do love him, but I feel that he is slowly suffocating it with his actions.
What do I do????
Tammy

Hi Crazy and welcome -
I first want to apologize for not getting to this post until today, I've been very busy at work this week.
Now, to the problem at hand:
You got blindsided, just like many of us did.
CL-Blueliner4
No, you're not going crazy. You're probably seeing things clearer now than you have for a while! I too was charmed and eventually became a prisoner in my own home for some time before the fog lifted.
I have to agree with the previous post---get out and be safe. It's amazing how family can bounce back and be there for you. This time it was the initial on a check, next time it'll be how you looked at someone or how they looked at you. It doesn't matter -- its not something you're doing wrong its the abuser skewed outlook.
Your own words tell how happy you were as a single mom. It can be tough but its not as tough as living with a time bomb. Don't let him do any more damage to you and your kids,
get out or get him out. Your thinking is VERY CLEAR.
Good luck,
Cindy