long time, no write
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:24pm |
I really need to try to write a little more often. It's bad for me to keep things in, but I also start thinking that by writing it down, that makes what happens "real". When I write it down, time and memories don't fade, allowing me to doubt my feelings, trying to convince myself that "things really aren't that bad."
Maybe I'm overdramatizing. My husband certainly thinks so. We had a horrendous week and he said that our problems stem from the fact that I look at everything so negatively. That and I have absolutely no desire for him. Unfortunately, the latter is true, but I find it hard to want to be with someone who makes me feel terrible all the time. I try to convince myself to try harder, but if anything, it just stresses me out more. And when I try to explain it to my husband, he just gets mad because I have to make myself want to be near him. So, in return he'll purposely hurt me in order to punish me for my failings.
I know I'm not perfect, I know I've got my problems. I know I'm not there for him the way I should, but at least I try. I may fail, but I do the best I can to show that I want to make the marriage work. My doubts may get in my way and a lot of times I really wonder if I should even bother, but I can't give up completely. But what I don't do, is say hateful things or treat him badly on purpose, trying to hurt him. He does. He's admitted it in the past. But he feels justified in his actions because he says I do the same to him. I probably do, but I don't go out of my way to call him names, physically hurt him, or be downright mean like he does.
Just a few weeks ago, he went ballistic on me. Our car was in the shop and we had a loaner car. I wanted to take him to work and drive the loaner, especially since our daughter had to stay home from school sick that day. He went ballistic because the dealership only had him listed as the driver and if I got into an accident, we would be liable. I simply said that I would drive straight to the dealer and get put on the list (a five minute drive) and he started yelling and screaming at me, telling me that I was stupid, had no common sense and actually called me a "f----ng b--ch" in front of our daughter. It'd been a few months since he'd called me names, so at least it wasn't a daily thing, but it still takes me back to all the other times he has done that in the past. I ended up in tears in the end of the rant. I suppose I should never have asked to drive the car, but I don't think I deserved treatment like that.
Skip to this weekend. It's family day at the Air National Guard base. I had to rent a car, since we share the one car and we still haven't bought a second car. (I'm hoping we'll have one by the end of next week) When my daughter and I get there, he completely acts as if he never wanted us to come up. He barely speaks, doesn't say anything friendly, just grunts or mutters to anything I try to tell him and plays his XBox. I ask him what's wrong and he's completely noncommital and tuning me out. I ask him if he's ok and I get more of the same. This attitude continues and I ask him if he even wanted us to come up. He can't even give a decent answer to that, just says, "Sure" in a tone of voice that really says, "I really could care less."
I then made things worse on our way to dinner when I told him that I joined a health club. (I've gained a couple pounds, so I'm really not to happy with how I'm looking). He gets mad and says, "You can do whatever the hell you want" and promptly takes us back to the hotel because he doesn't want to eat dinner with me now. I get more of the silent treatment, with the "I don't care" attitude when I try to talk to him and the rest of the night is ruined. I ask him if he wants me to leave and almost do, but I don't. I didn't want to ruin the weekend for my daughter because I knew she really wanted to go to the picnic. I should have left, though, because the next day wasn't much better.
In the morning, he doesn't say anything, except bye, on his way out the door to drill. I ask him if he wants me here and I get the same "sure" and the same attitude. I take my daughter out shopping in the morning before the picnic. Not long after we get back, my husband comes through the door and says that he was suprised to see us, since he thought we'd left. I asked him why he didn't call my cell to ask me, instead of just calling the front desk and he said that he thought it wasn't charged. I just think he didn't care to make the effort.
The picnic was a disaster. At least my daughter got to play some games and she got to fire off a few rounds on the M-16, but for me, it was miserable. My husband started going on about how he did and didn't want me there because I was nagging him and that he was just stressed. I told him I know how he acts well enough to know what he's really saying, and that his actions speak a lot louder than words. Then he starts saying that he isn't sure if staying in our marriage is worth it because I don't give him anything and that he is the only one who works on it and I do nothing. I tell him that I try, but I get criticized and yelled at that I find myself focusing so much on trying not to do the wrong thing, that it's hard for me to think about anything else.
This is a discussion/fight that ends up lasting hours, from being at the picnic, to leaving the picnic, driving around town, trying to get him to take me back to the hotel, almost making it before he talks me back into the car, etc... My problem is I can't walk away when I'm upset because I keep hoping that there will be a resolution. It didn't work out at all, he would keep promising to start over fresh without fighting, then he would pick another fight. The worst part is, that often he doesn't really yell. He does it in this quiet, nitpicky, snide comment making way, that makes my blood boil. He is so calm about his insults so often, it's infuriating. He says horrible things and makes them sound completely rational and it makes me doubt myself and at the same time it makes me furious. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.
At one point, he was determined that we would get something to eat. We were in the parking lot of yet another restaurant and he was at me again about the health club, the latest in a litany of things I'd done wrong. He was upset because I joined without telling him first and that he is uncomfortable with me joining because he thinks I'm out to find someone else. I told him that I wanted to join the club because I like the club and it makes me feel better to get in shape. It has nothing to do with wanting to do anything bad. He threatened to take the money for the second car and spend it on a home gym instead. I told him that wasn't the same thing at all, but in his mind it was.
He threatens ridiculous things in hopes of scaring me, especially since he knows how badly we need a second car right now, with him going out of town all the time between the ARNG and his other job. Often, I'm left stranded for days, having to rely on other people for rides. It isn't easy at all. And it's my car he's taking, in my name! But if I brought that up, I'd be the bad guy... I get so sick of this double standard. And he wants to punish me, because I joined a gym. Later, he said that he wouldn't have really done that. I told him he threatens so many things, I don't know what to believe.
I asked him to take me back to the hotel and he completely refused saying that "we were going to have f----ng nice time" out to eat whether I liked it or not... Really nice... We had a very tense meal, since I didn't have a choice, he took me back to the hotel and I packed my daughter's and my stuff and we left. He was still trying to convince me to stay, but at the same time, still telling me how wrong I was to be walking out when he tried to patch things up. I honestly can't see how he tried when it seemed like anything I tried met up with a complete shutdown or a snide comment or complaint no matter what, not to mention his refusal to let me leave for as long as he had...
I don't know how tomorrow night is going to turn out if/when he's supposed to be back home. I don't know what he's going to do. I know he's under a lot of stress and I do try to be accomodating because of it. However, I don't think his stress is an excuse to be mean to me. He seems to honestly think it is, though. He really doesn't think he needs to apologize for his behavior... Am I wrong in being upset about this? Am I being a nag and blowing things out of proportion? At this point I am doubting myself, which again is probably why it's so important to write things down.
But on the other hand, I'm under a lot of stress myself. My daughter just started kindergarten. I just started a brand new job at the Department of Social Services. I'm now a Child Protective Caseworker. Which is probably pretty strange, considering my own personal problemss, but it's easier to help someone else than to fix my own life, I guess. Anyways, I certainly don't take out my frustrations on him. I don't purposely try to hurt him. I may upset him without meaning to, and I may not be measuring up to want he wants out of our marriage, but I try to do the right thing... I go in every day hoping that things will go better. My biggest fault is probably that I allow him to get to me when he gets nasty and I get defensive, as a result. I know I need to control my own temper and not allow him to push my buttons. It's hard, though; he knows exactly what to say to upset me. And he sooooo good at it... I guess I can only keep trying and hoping that things will work out somehow, one way or another.

I just wanted to let you know, that you are not responsible for his actions, he would be this way no matter what you say or do and that men who act like this seldom change. My therapist told me that it takes men an average of 10 years in intense therapy to change abusive behaviour.
Please, please be careful. You made no indication of physical violence in your post, I NEVER thought my ex would touch me. I was wrong.
Child Protective services were the ones that eventually precipitated my leaving. I live in Canada, and if your child witnesses abuse (doesn't need to be physical) between his/her parents then it is called negligent child abuse. If I had decided to stay with my ex they would have removed my son into foster care. I was not aware of this until they were asking me to leave and go to a shelter.
I don't know how it works in the US, I guess you would know better than I would. It takes a strong person to put up with this crap, I felt stronger when I didn't have to any more.
Again, please be careful and good luck in whatever you choose to do.
tearz
sampo
ARG with a capital A-R-G!
Sampo, honey, I'm sorry.
CL-Blueliner4