Looking for answers

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Looking for answers
7
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 1:21pm

Long story made short.  My DD was trying to get her cheating, pathological liar of a boyfriend to move out of their appartment.  In the process the police were called as a neighbor heard HIM yelling and HER pounding on the patio door to get back in as he had drug her accross the floor and locked her out on the balcony of their 2nd story appartment.  Either way, he threatened to break and item of hers so she broke a speaker of his (yes this was the wrong thing to do).  When the police arrieved he spun a nice story saying she was mad about him having an affair, she was trying to STOP him from moving out and she broke the speaker (per police report).  She on the other hand admitted to breaking the speaker but when the police asked about the brusing on her arms choose to say he did not hurt her.  So she gets hauled in for criminal mischief and domestic violance.  He is the victim.   So can anybody tell me how this MAY play out.  He has been texting her and me expressing his love for her, wanting he back, cannot go on without her.  She has been wanting rid of him for months, but was tied to him as he was her boss.  Reading his messages to her, there is a protective order so she does not respond, makes me fearfull for HER safety. 

ANY thoughts???

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 12:46pm

Kaydee, my apologies for not replying sooner.  This new boar format has one problem that just drives me nuts, and that is that posts don't "float" to the top of the opening page when a new response is entered. I have written at least 4 e-mail to our community moderator about this.

I can tell you that the domestic abuse agency washed their hands of him because they saw him for what he is - a master manipulator and con artist.  For the perpetrator to cry victim is not uncommon at all.  I am very concerned for your dd's safety.  The things he has done are all signs that he has escalated and has further plans to continue to stalk her and mentally abuse and terrorize her.  As for him having access to her e-mails at work, considering they work together, she might want to think about not using that e-mail address for ANYTHING other than strictly business.  I would also bet that he has installed "spyware" on her work computer so that he can go in and look at everything she does.  With that in mind, the safest thing to do would be not use that e-mail address or that computer for ANYTHING at all of a personal nature whatsoever.  I know in these times it is tough to find work, but with the escalation by him, it would probably be in her best interest to consider pursuing employment elsewhere.  So she might not make as much money, or the bennies might not be as good, but at least she would be out of a very toxic, threatening and unstable environment where she HAS to have contact with her abuser.  Is she at all open to contacting the domestic abuse agency?  If they have terminated their relationship with him, I see NO reason why she can't use their services.  If they can't see her due to "conflict of interest", per se, the least they should be able to do is refer her to an agency that does not have a conflict.  Also, an attorney in her corner is absolutely essential to handle these trumped up charges and the fall-out from his oh-so-generous plea bargain agreement.  This whole mess just stinks and it's unfair as hell, but there are things that can be done to help protect her.  I realize you are her mom and are worried and scared for her and that is why you are posting.  However, unless/until she posts herself or reaches out to a domestic abuse agency herself, there is not a whole lot that can be done aside from point you to resources.  One of the most important aspects of getting in with a DV agency is that the victim must make that first call and start the ball rolling themselves.  No DV agency is going to contact her and say, "Your mom called us about getting help for you and here we are."  That first call MUST come from the victim herself.  It may be that she is not ready, scared, angry or strong enough to make that call yet, and until she is, about the only thing you can do is be there for her, ready and willing to listen and provide her with resources and phone numbers, as well as be a safe haven she can come to should the need arise.  There are certain words and phrases that we try VERY hard on this board not to use because they are considered dis-empowering.  Telling your dd what she should, needs to, etc, implies that she is not capable of making her own decisions and that you know best, and is another attempt, although well meaning and done out of love for her, to "control" her.  I know it's hard to sit back and watch all this happening and keep quiet, but until/unless she comes to the conclusion that he is dangerous, a threat to her, and is escalating, there's not a whole lot you can do except be prepared to respond to her immediately should she ask for your help.  Hang in there, Mom, it's tough watching your child go down this road, but it's what you have to do.  She's 30 years old and an adult.  It's her life and her decisions to make.  That does not mean  you can't provide her with info and feedback, suggestions and resources, but in the end, it's her decisions and hers alone. 

If you respond, please start a new thread so that it will appear at the top of the board's opening page.  This new system they are using doesn't "float" a thread to the top of the board when a new post is made (I HATE this about the new format) so, sadly, sometimes it is several days before I find that I've missed a post, which upsets me greatly.  Hopefully this is a way to respond to your posts in a more timely manner.  Again, my apologies for not finding your latest post sooner.  Hang in there, Mom.  Your dd is blessed to have you.  Just know this:  Unfortunately,, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better and your dd needs to take every step she can to ensure her personal safety.  My best to you and her.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 3:37pm

I am pretty upset right now.  My daughter went on a date last night to a comedy club and when she left the club with her date she saw her ex-boyfriends (the victim) pick-up drive by.  He has access to her e-mail because they work together and she had confirmed the purchase of the ticket to the show through that e-mail.  She talked to him about it and admitted to looking at her e-mail, said he just wanted to know who she was going with, and said he would not do it again.  Did I mention he moved 1 mile from her new apartment, less than 4 minutes.  AND the courts have not realeased her from the DV charges so he is still the victim.  She is so scared to say much to him as he holds all the cards in the case.  What a messed up situation, and I cannot convince her how dangerous he is acting.  I have no idea what to do about it since she is 30 yo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 11:38am
From what I understand, he used the DV advocate and got he DA to drop the charges, if she takes 1 class. But with that they also lifted the no contact, so I am pretty sure he is driving her crazy!!! The young female DA looked at her and said "are you going to date him again? He has been calling our office being so distressed over not being able to see you, we are just wondering." Crazy is as crazy does. The DV advocate told the DA that this was a case when the "victim" did not need their help and did not want to spend any more time protecting him. Anyway, he is a pretty good "con man" and I am just hoping my DD does not have any more to do with him. Just hope she takes this chance to be done with him for good.
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 10:29pm
Kaydee, we haven't heard from you in a while. How are things going for your dd? Please post an update so that we'll know y'all are safe and doing okay. Even though your dd has been charged, the local domestic abuse agency can STILL help her. This is not an uncommon occurrence and they will know how to give her the help she needs, as well as referral to an attorney who may be able to assist her. Please don't blow off contacting your local DV agency, this isn't the first time they will be seeing a victim who has been cast as the perpetrator, I promise.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 10:50am
Thanks again for you info. Sad part is there is not much help for her as she was the one arrected and he is the Victim. He has filed to romove the "no contact" order and last nigh she sounder really scared on the phone. Today in the court appearance to change the "no contact", she just called he brought a lawyer!!! He has been sending CRAZY texts to her about fixing their problems so they can be together, she just wants him gone. He even went as far as having his boss, her ex-boss call her on his behalf yesterday. Sad part is we know he did not tell him the truth, anyway I am just a little upset today and scared for her as well. Sad also that all the help is aimed at HIM as he in the alleged Victim.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2010
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 11:37am
Thanks for your info.
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 6:40pm
Kaydee, your dd is very lucky to have your support. The BEST thing she can do is contact her local domestic abuse agency to set up an appointment with an advocate. They will be very familiar with the laws in your state and they will also be most familiar with how your local police operate. I would also strongly suggest an attorney. I don't know what field your dd is in, but if she is convicted of domestic abuse, it could severely hamper her efforts in some careers such as nursing, social work or anything that requires a professional license. SAVE all of those text messages and e-mails and take them to the attorney. ALSO, because of the protective order, these will be useful in getting it dismissed because it is OBVIOUS he is not fearful for his safety, and is therefore a moot point. Also, because he has a protective order against her, HE is not supposed to be contacting HER either, and he has basically voided the PO because of his contacting her. I would suggest that you contact the prosecuting attorney with this information and see about getting the charges dismissed. The police failed your dd by not identifying the primary aggressor (HIM). This is an all too common occurrence and is a PRIME example of why the judicial system (police, attorneys, judges) ALL need massive amounts of education about the dynamics of domestic abuse. Another resource you might want to check out is www.womenslaw.org. It has a state by state reference section that might be able to answer your questions on legal issues. They also have a place where you can contact them regarding your legal questions. This organization is a part of the National Network to End Domestic Violence. You can also contact them. Their contact info is in their website. Hope this helps and keep us posted.

Mama Harmony