Looking back...

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Looking back...
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 7:08pm

What were the RED FLAGS that the abuser in your life exhibited when you first got together?

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 9:09pm

To be perfectly honest I am not sure when I first knew but I think that deep down I always knew. Why I say that is because I just seemed to know when he was going to be around. The first time was one night when I was walking around I saw this big truck coming, turned out to be a f350, and some how knew it was him. I hadn't seen him in months, did not know he had left town, had come back, and was driving a big truck (had a car last I knew). But I knew it was him in the truck. He use to work a job were he got off at odd hours in the middle and would go to my window to drop off little things and I always woke up a few minutes before he did and it was never the same time. I thought at the time we had a deep connection but now I wonder if it was warning bells!! No he wasn't doing anything "wrong" but maybe I some how knew he was trouble?

The first thing that really comes to mind happened before all that and was the night he told me he liked me. I originally dated his younger brother who died in an accident. I hated the jerk till his brothers funeral but thought I was to young for him, I was 14 he was 18 or 19 when his brother died. I had a friend who was 2 years older then me who thought she liked him and I figured he would go for her over me and I had a boyfriend. Well he was talking to my friend and asked me to take him over to see her, they were simply talking not dating. On the way home from seeing her he told me he felt bad because he liked someone else and started telling me about this person and why it would never work and surprise that person was me. He admitted to having me take him out there and kissing her to get a reaction out of me. Thankfully she blamed me and at that point I told him to go away because I wasn't losing my friendship with her over him (her and I are still friends)But later in the summer a guy I liked preferred her and she realized I wasn't to blame and when he came around again I lost my mind.

Another red flag should have been when in a round about way he threatened my ex step father with a shot gun. At the time I thought it was nice he was defending us. There are so many other early ones but those are the biggest and the one about the built in warning just hit me the other day.

Most were after we got married and now I wonder how any I should have seen before we were married but I was young and thought I was in love. Oh how about the fact that out of no where I was very sick on our wedding night?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 12:49am

Good old Hind sight..Looking back, he "took over" taking care of my bills, I would blindly give him my money after cashing my paycheck. I had done just fine tending my bills before he entered my life but for some strange reason he seemed to think he needed to do that for me.This was way before we were even engaged.After we were married he kept telling people I married him because I owed him so much money that was the only way I could get out of paying him back...I did not realize it then but now I see that my money became HIS money and he was gracious to lend it to me to cover my expenses...

Shortly after we were married he picked a fight with