LOOKING FOR HELP......lost my mind?
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| Fri, 07-02-2004 - 3:56pm |
i have been divorced for about 2 months or more.
some of you remember my story.
im in serious need of some help and i feel like i cannot find it anywhere. I do not understand why i cannot make MY OWN DECISIONS about my OWN LIFE and I feel like I am in a straight jacket and need to EXPLODE.
last week, with the trouble of my son, i met with EX at the lawyer for with my son to go over son's court case that is heard next wednesday. Next thing ya know, we are dinner with EX.........
I have been feeling low, unmotivated, confused, i am broke, in debt, depressed, bipolar, etc. what have you. well so they say I am bipolar ever since I left HIM. I dont know if its bipolar or just MAJOR LIFE STYLE SHOCK THAT HAS CAUSED POST TRAUMATIC DISORDER.
anyhow.....im not feeling well at all. i beat myself up all of the time. im a worry wart. Next thing you know, I get talked into going over to EX's house that nite, midnight mind you.........i sneak out of the house, so my kids dont know, and i go over there to our old house and stay the night with him. hes telling me how he wants to dedicate the rest of his life making up to me what he did. he tells me this is YOUR HOUSE, it belongs to YOU. i want you to come back, I realized i blew it, i love you more than anything in the world........(he seems so sincere its unreal).....hes seeing a therapist, he is on a medication also and hes been taking it.
So for the next three days, i am at the POOL in the back yard of the house with him, eating crabs, eating shrimp, using the whirlpool bath tub (in our house of 13 years).......and he is promising to finish the basement and make me a scrapbook room for my crafts...
promising me i dont have to work if i dont want to. promising me i can go to college if thats what makes me happy......telling me he wants me to get better.
hes drawing baths for me.......hes grilling me a steak on the grill,,,,, I DIDNT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING..
so im in the web rolling along, thinking this is my my EMPTINESS that is inside of me, that i need to go back with him.
Monday morning he left for Canada for a race car trip for 6 days.
Monday Nite, without him around.......and me starting to think about things.......i start to remember the bad things he did to me.............i start to think about JIM (someone i have just started to become good friends with/dating, for the last two months), and im freaking out.........WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT DO I WANT?
WHY CANT I DECIDE? What in the HELL is the matter with me. I cant make a decision for my own life!!!
i start to feel psycho, like i just wanna scream, im crying, im thinking, im beating myself up mentally and emotionally.........my daughter is like, I CANT BELIEVE YOU WERE WITH THAT MAN (she hates her father). shes yelling at me, "MOM, you are just afraid to do anything on your own and want the material things he offers you" Im thinking, shes probably right........ but I AM NOT SURE
I am so confused right now, i dont know my head from up or down. This keeps happening to me over and over again.
I dont feel like I am I in love with him........but i dont know because when you spend 23 years with someone, you kind of love them unconditionally any way no matter what, but i cannot separate the two.
Sex with him was okay and i didnt seem to have a problem doing it for the last 3 days.....but now i have an awful bladder infection AGAIN and feel like that is JUST MORE ABUSE all over again........seems like when i go back i suffer emotionally, but material wise I have this HUGE burden of financial stress lifted off me.
I wonder to myself, should i just settle for this and go back??? I would be taken care of for life, and i think he means it this time that he will do everything he can to make me happy. I mean he is trying..he really really is....i have to give credit where credit is due. i do believe he is trying. CAN HE KEEP IT UP??? I have doubts. Of course. I have tried this before.
I feel like something is missing inside of me and it is making me feel like i need major psychiatric help, like a volcano that needs to erupt. sometimes i think im gonna lose it majorly and just go off like he used to. i feel like im gonna just break something.
i dont know what to do.
i cannot sort out my thoughts.
I should add that I do really like the JIM guy I met. He is poor as anything. He works just to make a living. He doesnt own a house or anything. He is in debt too. He has good morals though and when I kiss him, it only takes one kiss and I think Im in love with him.
When i kissed my EX, i didnt really like it. I mean i could have sex with him, but i really didnt feel like i am attracted to him physically anymore and I am much more attracted physically to JIM. NOTE: I have not had SEX WITH JIM. I thought I should clarify that here.
Can someone PLEASE PLEASE help me sort????????????///
Has anyone here been in this situation?
All my therapist does is tell me, I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS..........HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO REPEAT THE SAME OLD CYCLE TO LEARN PAM?
Am i psycho?

BRAKES!
Okay, let's go through this step by step:
You felt nothing with the X.
He's offering you the material things that you don't have.
He's offering you money you don't have.
You have a bladder infection.
He has already said he is not going to help your DS and is kind of washing his hands of the whole deal.
Listen to your DD.
CL-Blueliner4
another thing i didnt note was that ex has seen 2 women just recently and they are in love with the house and both want to move in. i see that im just jealous that they are moving right into what i feel like should have been mine and that i suffered the 18 years and why should they have it? EX says "I dont think it is fair that some other women gets the new me, because i will never treat a woman that way again in my life for as long as I live, I have learned my lesson being without you, it should be YOU he says".
I think I had such a shell shock from the loss of my white picket fence dream life that when I had to walk away from it for my own mental health, I still feel robbed. I know thats selfish, but its not like he had another woman, i was forced to leave because of his treatment of me and it just haunts me that it could not have been normal.
Now he is acting all normal and fixed, and ready to make up everything to me, but its like there is so much water underneath the bridge, i dont think i can.
its like i would have to make myself love him because i dont think i do anymore.
yeah, im being like a kid, cant make my own decisions and i hate myself for being like this. the thing is, i NEVER HAD TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR MYSELF, because he always made them for me, and now here i am 43 years old and cant even decide what the heck i want to do with my life and its just pathetic. no wonder i beat up on myself, my behavior is pathetic and i am so exhausted mentally and emotionally, that i just want to crawl in bed and i am having trouble working again.
i just dont know. i know it cant happen this way, but i wish sometime would just twirl me around and say GO THIS WAY IDIOT...........
and i feel so so guilty about JIM.............and the sick thing is....i feel sorry for the EX......now tell me that is not pathetic.
i might add that JIM also feels that EX did a ROYAL CLASS A JOB on my mind and is very familiar with abuse himself from his father. He knows that I need time and when I asked for it from him recently, he has willingly given it to me and feels that he and I could have something together in the future, but not until i do heal.
he really likes me and has been quite encouraging to me. Whereas, EX is like, I WANNA KNOW NOW. WHAT IS IT GONNA BE???
Jim is just the opposite........he feels I have been brainwashed, and need to heal, and hopes that my healing will allow he and I to become closer friends, down the road, and is willing to wait for the time being.
Pam, snap out of it, girl.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
All I have to say is it sounds like Jim is a wonderful man. I once told my STBX that I'd rather live in a run-down trailer park and drive an old VW bug and live with someone who was good to me than have what I had with him.
Your Ex knows all your 'buttons' to push. You 'unsureness' is because you know if you choose your ex things will go right back to how they were. He hasn't changed; he is still manipulating. Even insinuating other women want to move into your old home is playing mind games with you. My STBX would play games like that with me all the time. Little 'stabs' that would make me question myself.
Go to Jim.
Hugs,
Jackie
ya know, we had court today for my son, and STBX was there, and every chance he got, he would come up to me, begging me to be "close friends" with him, no ties, just wine and dine, dinners, sex and fun, as he put it! Jeesh
I am going to continue my friendship with Jim. Most important, I need a friend right now and Jim lives quite a distance from me, and therefore the friendship is not smothering. He knows I need time and sent me an email saying "Im going to give you all the time that you need to find your peace and inner happiness, Pam."
jackie, how are you?