looking for some encouragement..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
looking for some encouragement..
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 8:28pm

So this friday was supposed to be my lease date..I am not sure what to do..I don't want to cancel..but at the same time..I am scared of taking the step. The main fear actually is just the backlash from dd..and whether I will make it tougher for her to go back/forth and just managing that part. I am not scared of finances (yes they will be tight) but as long as I have a job, it is ok..I am mostly scared of taking the step as I feel it will impact dd and I will be cooking a storm..One alternate my counselor suggested was to hold on for 3 years..if i am just not able to do it. But then i am scared that i let go of the house and in 2 weeks, he will have a big blow up..things with him are usual..no big blowups at me..(guess my bar is lowered)..there was one instance of him yelling at dd..again..I know he is not changing..it is just should I/could I let things be..

One thing I do know is - if I get out, I am not going to throw divorce papers at him right away as it is just too much to take..I really am not sure...if I am not ready for that..why even do it..again mostly scared at "disrupting" dd's life..


Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 10:53pm

Ok the truth is with all you have said about your DD she is going to flip but she will get past it. She may never choose to live with you or she may go with you at first but then go back to him. I still say I have no idea how I could leave one of my children behind but you are not me and others here say they could. You can still be there for her and help her without her living with you. I think the main thing holding you back is DD and you have to figure out what is worse her being upset and not moving with you or staying another 3 years with hi. You know he will go back to being him at some point. He is not going to change and DD will flip because she has learned that is how to get her way.

All I can tell you is I was afraid of leaving for different reasons then you were but 6 years later I am glad I left. My case was different from yours and I had the support of my children and they gave me the strength to leave. You will have to dig deep inside of yourself to find that strength and I believe you have it in you. I don't think you believe that but if you did not have that strength you would not have survived as long as you have. The next step is not a easy one either way you choose to go. You go and you face DDs anger. You stay and you face your own. Only you will know which is worse.

I hope you find the strength to move. I think if you move DD will be upset but in time will come around.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 10:54pm
The disruption in your DDs life from living in such an unhappy marriage with such an unhappy woman as her role model is already disruptive. You will bring order and normalcy to her life by leaving. Your life is difficult, leaving it will be difficult in a different way. But that doesn't mean that it won't become significantly higher in quality.
Community Leader
Registered: 03-06-2002
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 11:28pm

I agree with queen brat. I wish I were in the position to be leaving right now. I don't have a job but I might go ahead and get out because my girls are through. My h yells at them. What makes it worse is that he puts the neighbor girl ahead of them. My girls want to leave. If everything is in order for you to leave I think you should take the step and if you don't want to file the papers right away that's okay too but you have to do what is best for you and your dd. Just remember, there is another big blow up just around the corner.

My neighbor kids though their dad was an okay guy until they had to live with him for a while and then when he came home drunk and they saw the real side of him they moved back to mom. The son is a real joke and moved back in with dad and who knows what is going on with that he's going off to college this fall.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you are able to find the strength to get out on friday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2000
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 11:01am

Dear Winter,

I wish you good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 1:20pm

I stumbled onto this board several months ago by accident.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 2:05pm

I've been very concerned about Winter. She's been in a fragile state of mind for a very long time. There have been women who have committed suicide in situations like this, feeling they have no other way out.

I'm glad she's still posting, to know she's still alive. I'd be very concerned if Winter just all of a sudden stopped posting.

Winter has left this man in the past, and still could not escape his abuse. When she tries to separate from him, he manages to abuse her through the court system and through their daughter.

He's a man with money and a good reputation in the community, very hard to fight in court. He doesn't just go away, doesn't leave her alone. In a way it's easier just to be complacent to him rather than suffer more of his wrath.

He's an evil man, and she can't seem to escape his abuse whether she's living there in the marital home or not. His behavior escalates when she leaves and she is

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 2:21pm

I also wanted to add that since she's been in that fragile state of mind for so long, I'm not so sure she'd make it through that transition period if she were to leave.

She's already in a poor emotional state of mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 2:22pm

At some point all we can do is support because I have learned the hard way that we cant tell someone when to leave or how or whatever.

The only thing that concerns me like you said is her safety.. This is weird but I do feel better when Winter posts because atleast I know she is okay and not that old crazy statistic..and there are enough of those where the abuser snaps and does something crazy. Like you said that is what would concern me the most. Her safety and her dd's cause that is what they teach you in dv class. Safety first and then the rest comes later.

I also know about men who are like Winter"s husband.. I was married and now divorced from such an evil person myself. It was not easy to go and he did a number of things that would make anyone want to jump off a bridge. Yet; i didnt and I survived it all I think?

Anyway; I must be guilty of some of these frustrations myself and I have to remember everyone has a timetable hopefully to get out of their bad situation and hope its never too late.. Or they can stay where they are. Their choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2000
Fri, 06-17-2011 - 3:22pm

Dear fissatore,

It is hard to leave.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 2:31pm

Whew, it's good to finally be back.

Mama Harmony