losing my mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
losing my mind
2
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:21am
Hi Everyone...

Well it is me again.. woke up this morning thinking about him and wanting to call him so bad it hurts.. i called my girlfriend instead because if i call him i will be breaking the TPO.

Why do I feel the need to talk to him so bad when I know he will just tell me to go to hell and call me names or whatever?? I guess it is just the hope he will say he is sorry it will never happen again blah blah blah but obviously that is not true because he has said all that before and each time it has got worse.

I did call his sisters house this morning but she just said she couldnt talk to me and hung up. Why are the all acting like it is my fault? I didnt make him come in the house and start hitting and kicking me. I didnt ask him to do this to our marriage.

When he came in that day he had told me he had been with someone else so I did quite a bit of yelling but he tells me that when he is drinking just because he knows it makes me mad. We had been fighting since friday night that is when the hitting started and just kept going all weekened. He was trying to pick a fight so I would tell him to go. He wanted me to tell him to leave so he could go drink some more that way he didnt feel guilty about it.

What is so wrong with me? What is wrong with me that I think I need this kind of man? What makes me think I dont deserve better than this?? This life is insane. He has threatened to kill me and my family and my animals etc why would I even consider being with him? The stupid answer is coming of course. I still love him!! But why????

I even lost one of my kids due to this man... my son went and lived with my parents because of the way he is... My son is 15 I had him.. Ive known my husband for 9 months!! what is wrong with that picture?????????????????

Uggghhhh I am realllly losing it here... I just wish I could change so much!! And the sad thing is.. I wish I could change him...... to love me like he used to... to love me like he did in the beginning when he hid his drinking.. i didnt know he drank as much as he does. when he is sober this stuff never happens................ why cant he just love me?????????????????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: smilinmore
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:32pm

Good mornin', Smilin.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
In reply to: smilinmore
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 12:04am
I have been where you are and I want you to know I feel your pain. My heart really goes out to you because I understand why you still love him, even in spite of all the emotional, psychological and physical pain he's caused you.

If there's one thing I can say that may be of some help to you, try your best to really see and understand that he doesn't love you. He never has loved you because, as an abuser, he's incapable of giving you the love you need, want and deserve. You can never go back to the way things were when the two of you were dating.

What he presented to you in the very beginning of your courtship was all a facade. It was a very smooth and slick veneer that was designed specifically with the goal of winning you over and marrying you within a fairly short amount of time. Why? Because he knew he could only maintain **the lie** but for so long. Then after getting you to say "I do," he knew he had you and could finally show his true colors.

Nevertheless, I'm encouraging you to do your absolute best to block out the memories you have from when he treated you well in the beginning. I had to learn the hard way in my former marriage that those days would never return and become the **norm**. Rather, when my abusive XH sensed I was drifting away, he'd initiate another "honeymoon phase" -- and treat me the way he did when we were dating (be extra sweet, buy me flowers, give me compliments, etc.). Of course, until I understood that it was all a part of the game, I thought it meant he had changed for the better and that the mean, critical and abusive side of him was gone.

I bought two really good books on abuse (The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, which helped me understand that things were never going to get any better, and that I had to leave to preserve my own life and then file for divorce.). After returning home to my parents, I bought the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Both are excellent in helping to shed light on abusers and the "why and how" of their behavior and how they think/operate.

Please, for the sake of your child and your own safety and well-being, get out now. Your situation is more dire because of the physical violence. You need to be there for your child, to love, nurture and take care of him. You can't really do that in your present environment. Trust me when I tell you that your H isn't going to change for the better and have the change be permanent. More than likely, things will continue to escalate with him changing for the **worse**.

Every day you spend trying to survive in that environment will mean a longer road to healing and recovery for you. But first you've got to get out.

Remember, nine months of hell with him is nine months too long.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Hugs,

Heymum