Lost, Scared, Confused.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Lost, Scared, Confused.........
1
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 6:44pm
I need some help on figuring out what to do. My ex and I were together for 8 1/2 years then I left him a year ago. We decided to stay friends and still have sex. But I met someone a few months ago and told him, he was like I don't want to share you.... I tried to explain to him he didn't have a choice. Since then he has been around more than ever, he interrogates me if I am on the phone or internet, gets mad because I have quit having sex with him, always wants to be by my side, gets mad if I show our 2 children (2 and 5 yrs old) more attention he gets mad, over the last several months he has been doing things like cutting himself, burning his hands and arms with cigarettes, beating dents in the windshield of his vehicle...... it is starting to scare me bc I am wondering if maybe he is going to realize that he is hurting bc of me and try to hurt me or our kids. He was really never physically abusive, he has shoved me and minor things like that but he was emotionally abusive and controlling during our relationship and now he is well basically psycho over me anymore. I'm not sure what to do anymore.... Anyone have any advice???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 1:34am

Step 1 is to put an end to the "friends with benefits" arrangement. Not only will you need to get him out of your life eventually, it's contributing to giving him ideas. I don't mean to imply that he is being led on or whatever, but if you're still having sex, etc. it will contribute in his head to the idea that you guys will be back together some day, and that's not healthy.

For Step 2, I would recommend reading "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It will give ideas as to how to deal with a stalker-type situation, which this is turning into.

A couple things to remember. One, he may try at some point to imply that you are responsible for his behavior. NOT SO. He is making the choice to burn himself, hit things, etc. Nobody can "make" someone do that. Two, there already has been physical abuse. Shoving constitutes physical abuse, and you're right to think that it will probably get worse.

Finally, check out our board website, accessible through the link at the top of our start page. It will help educate you about abuse in general, as well as specific resources for you. Best of luck, and do keep us posted.

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