This is for Lucas & Sandman...
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| Mon, 02-14-2005 - 11:24am |
You guys are amazing!!! It is incredible that you both realize what domestic violence and abuse is and that it is not a gender issue! Thank you for your input in the past, present and the future!!!
I have one question though...How can we make the law aware that domestic abuse is as big of a problem as the violence is? I know that my STBX was violent at times, but the emotional, verbal, financial and psychological abuse hurt me more than the physical!!!!!!! The physical part heals and goes away but I will always bear those scars inside from the mental abuse, and wonder if I will ever be capable of having a healthy relationship again? Is it possible? To talk to me now, the answer would have to be NO (probably, because I am not emotionally healthy)!!! I don't trust anyone and am always suspicious of anyone who makes "promises". "Promises" they can't keep. See what I mean?
You're guys, so please give us women some feedback on this!! Thanks again for all you stand for!!!

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She was so angry with the system for trying to protect her and her children, it is so tremendously shocking the denial and missed placed anger of some victims I have seen>>
I wrote tis because she should be angry with her abuser not the law for helping
this is where the missed place is
Hi all,
Have been reading the posts. Somehow in divorce/abuse/children there are so many fine lines. The truth of the fact is there should not be. If you are being treated less that who you are, you are being abused. That little child needs to know he/she has no bounds. Life is there for the taking. Anything less than that is wrong. Since the departure of dear old Wendell, I have been in homes that I could move in to...family and all. No one would ever would have wanted to move in our house....way too much competition. The one place in your life that you should be able to grab your pillow and feel at peace is your home. If you can't do that, there really is no place else to go.
I wish that I could go back and stand up for myself so many times through the many years. I can't, that is gone. But then again, so what, when I did, it only got worse. I did what I could. Today, however, I am picking up pieces and trying to forgive myself for allowing it all to happen. There is no gender on abuse. It's a degrading process that rips another person from theirselves to please another person. It happens every day. That's why we are here...to help each other thorugh the process...hopefully to become whole again.
Ok my 2 cents.
Terry
"Edited because I assume I'm not allowed to ask that question."
You can ask what you like. I'll probably choose to answer it. Unless you're asking me to give out names and phone numbers of the people I mentioned or something.
I think one of the issues that Sandman was getting at (if I may suggest my interpretation) is that sometimes abusers will try to use the system against the victim. I have read about cases where where someone reports an abusive spouse and that spouse turns around and reports that they were acting in defense against their victim. So the victim becomes the abuser because the abuser plays victim. That's a pretty nasty thing to do, and I wouldn't put it past someone.
And that's the conundrum. It's something that is often hard to prove, and without proof, the system is open for someone to abuse it. Simply put, it's hard to set up a universal system that works with each individual situation.
A friend of mine is a police officer. From what I hear, the most dreaded calls are domestic violence. And it makes sense, because you've got to show up on a scene where at least one person is all jacked up. As a result, the cops can become kind of callous to it. I've often wondered how it affects their view on humanity if they spend their career dealing with people's problems.
I have posted on this board and surviving divorce, but I feel I need to explain why I asked these questions of Sandman and Lucas...
In July of 2001, I went out to dinner with my H to discuss a problem that happened earlier that spring involving his son...(his son was always in trouble for something, ie; trying to light the mini-mall on fire with lighter fluid. When the police called, my husband played it off as if it was just another kids prank and did nothing to discipline his son). Anyway, my h's son was SEEN shooting out a mans rear windows (not in just one car, but 2). This man had been over to the house several times to talk to my h who promised he would pay him for the windows. On July 28, Sat. morning, the man came to collect his money (3-months after the incident), but my h wasn't home. He was at work as usual. This man was furious and had had enough. He was in my face and screaming so loud and literally giving me a shower with his saliva. He told me to tell my h that he wanted his money by the next morning or he would call the police and report his son. Needless to say, this upset me as I had thought it had been taken care of (of course, another one of h's lies).
Trying to hold a discussion around our house with teenagers was next to impossible, hence the dinner. We both had a few margaritas with dinner but when we got home I had asked him to confront his son and make him own up to his "prank". Wrong move. The next thing I knew, he had me by the throat, lifted me off the ground, and slammed me against the wall. I started to pass out and don't even remember fighting back. I must have because he had a scratch on his jaw. I got away and ran into the garage to call the police. When the police came, my h had already convinced me that he would never touch me like that again and to tell the police it was a mistake. NO GO!!! They arrested me and hauled me to jail and charged me with 3rd degree assault! I was in there until 4:00 pm Sunday afternoon...no miranda warnings, no lawyer and no idea what was about to happen to me would change my whole life forever!!!
I was due in court the next day at 1:00pm whereas the ADA took my h into the corridor and plea bargained my case with him...while this was going on the judge did a "group" rights thing. I never got the opportunity to talk to the ADA and to this day have never spoken to anyone from their office. My h told me to plead guilty, and if I didn't he would leave me and take away my dd and I would never see her again. I pled guilty because I didn't want to lose my dd, not to mention the fact that I hadn't eaten, hadn't slept much, and was totally distraught by the whole ordeal. I was sentenced to 36 weeks of DV classes , and because I had a few Margaritas, I was ordered to take 24 weeks of alcohol classes. I had a certain amount of time (1 year) to finish both classes. Unfortunately, I was unemployed with a 1.5 yo dd, and my h refused to pay for the classes. He said to just blow them off because "they won't come after me". WRONG AGAIN!!! They did and I ended up with a revoked probation and a sentence of 180 days in jail with work release. We have to pay the jail $45.00 a day to get out to go to work (I had a job then). I have not spent one day in jail as I found an attorney who is appealing the case as my civil rights were trampled all over and my h signed a statement stating that he never felt threatened by me. Now of course, my h has changed his mind and swears that he will go to court and make sure that I go to jail.
He is also using this bogus conviction to get legal and soul custody of our dd, even though he has 15 DUI's nationwide...he is also accusing me of being abusive to him especially when I was drinking or doing drugs (I have taken 3 drug tests since all of this began and all were negative)...this coming from a man who feels that I was at fault for 90% of our marital problems. To this day, he still smokes pot with his 16 yo son and has defied the court orders on everthing. He buys his son jack daniels every weekend and used to tell me that this will keep him out of our hair. This child was arrested and convicted at the age of 15 of possession of marijuana. He has failed almost all of his random UA's and is in violation of his probation for not attending school until the end of his probation. His 23 yo d was living here and was caught committing welfare fraud. She fled the state to avoid prosecution because she is facing time in jail and the thought of being taken away from her 2 ds's drove her crazy...They blame me. Now my h is also facing time in jail for obstruction of my mail, and contempt of court for not paying cs or maintenance.
During the marriage, he would call me names, punch me, pinch me, throw me across the room (especially when I was pregnant) and trip me while holding on to my hair. I survived all of this yet he is now using the legal system to abuse me further. I'm quite sure that all of us are still being abused in one way or another, yet mine goes on and on daily, like a video tape running through my head 24/7. I am in counseling and do realize that it will take time before I am emotionally healthy again, but there is no quick fix. I feel that days like today (this one was especially bad) will cause me to lose both of my daughters for good and I couldn't face that...why can't the courts see what is happening?
Lucas,
This friend of yours who is a cop, just curious how old? Hope things are changing. I was married to a cop for 25 years and worked for him in 71. I lived with someone I never new. As far as DV he hasn't a clue. I am sorry I am so bitter. I don't like how the system works, scared to death to tell you the truth. The last four years I stayed out of fear (we both lived in the house, he was suppose to leave but wouldn't, I had a RO). You say how do they put up with humanity, they came that way.
Sherry
My friend is 31 years old. So he's been a cop for about six years or so. To my knowledge, he does most of his work behind a desk these days as he has moved up into a more administrative position. He started as a prison guard, then worked as a county officer on patrol, and then got a couple of promotions. So he's seen quite a spectrum in a short amount of time.
Back to my earlier thread, we know how the system can be used improperly or ineffectively, but what can we do to help? I mean, I wouldn't even know what to change, or how to go about changing it. It's hard to fight the system when you don't really know what your fighting against.
I feel our system, such as it is, should be made aware that it's not just the violence that kills the family. It is the verbal, emotional, financial, and the legal abuse that does the most damage. Of course, God forbid, that the physical doesn't kill you first.
All Judges, GAL's, lawyers, DA's, just about anyone that deals with the justice system everyday should be required to take extensive classes which outline the criteria of an abusive personality!!! Only then, can they be appointed judges, GAL's, lawyers, DA's police officers, etc. All of them need to go through extensive psychological evaluations with DV counselors that can detect even the best of the best in abusers!!! Tell me if you disagree!!!!
I wish that could be done, but the ratio of trained counselors to law enforcement is too great.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi there
Technically I may be able to a question, but since I received an iVillage warning yesterday for replying with "I'm yet to meet a woman who does not know that ", I am very cautious about what I can and can't say.
Absolutely! abusers will try to use 'the system' againsttheir victims. It's all part of isolation; telling her she won't be believed, that her kids will be removed etc etc... but that isn't how I read sandman's comment.
<< Simply put, it's hard to set up a universal system that works with each individual situation>>
Sure! Let' hope the money who hold the purse strings,a nd the policy makers listen to recommendations that we need an holistic approach. One size doesn't fit all.
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It's not just the police who 'deal with people's problems,' If other agency workers can manage to work with victims on a regular basis and not be callous in their approach, why just the police?!
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