making myself insane!
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| Tue, 05-02-2006 - 5:32pm |
I swear, I am going to go nuts. It has become sort of an obsession for me to figure out whether or not H is cheating on me. I can't seem to break away from the thinking that catching him will make it that much easier to kick him out. As if with this cheating, one of the ultimate forms of betrayal, I could say - "that's it, you've finally done it, I've had it. I'm done trying, you don't deserve it. You need to leave and if you try to guilt me into staying or try to emotionally blackmail our kids I will tell everyone in your family what you've done." Like this could save me from the hell he'll put me through if I say I'm leaving under any of the other valid reasons I have for leaving.
Like he wouldn't just lie, lie, lie if confronted with undeniable proof of an affair. Or turn it around on me somehow anyway.
Why do I feel I need this proof so badly? Why is the fact that I'm so completely unhappy not reason enough to tell him it's over??
I am becoming so mentally exhausted. The ironic thing is we're in part of the "good cycle" right now. He's being so nice and perfect. I guess to me that's just more weird signals that he could be seeing someone else. Or am I reaching. Dear God, I need someone to remove my brain - I need to stop obsessing.
Can someone please tell me I'm not alone in this?!?
Lisa

But the things is: I learned to choose these types of men from my mother. And my mother never taught me what I have an opportunity to teach my children and that is that if someone doesn't value you, and treat you with respect and dignity than that person doesn't deserve to be in your life.
I don't think my husband meets the definition of the WORST emotional abuser there is but is any level of emotional abuse okay? Do I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity? Yes I do. Why isn't that reason good enough?
Anyway - I went off on a rant about myself but I wanted you to know that I understand your obsession. Because based on your response to my post I think we are in very similiar places in our marriages. And you think him cheating would be your ticket to freedom, if I thought there was any chance my husband was cheating I'd be so on that trying to get proof. Besides, how awful is it if he is cheating and having a grand old time while you are there sacrificing your happiness for your children and your marriage wand he is having his cake and eating it too. Absolutely not fair. I hope you do get your proof. And if you don't I hope the both of us can find the courage to just leave because respecting ourselves is reason enough.
Hi Lisa, as always, your post mirrors my own thoughts.I don't understand it myself, why we think we have to have this "ultimate" reason to leave. Isn't their abuse enough??
When I ask myself this question, the answer is always YES! God knows how miserable and empty my life is with him. Maybe it's because unlike them,we actually have a conscience..we're aware of and respect others feelings.We sacrifice our own happiness to please others.That's something they're not capable of.I wish there was an easy answer Lisa.All I know is that someday we'll put our foot down and say ENOUGH! I'm sure of that, I just wish we could find the strength to do it sooner,rather than later.
Nikki
Hi Elise - thanks for your reply. I'm glad you can relate - well, not glad, but you know what I mean. And you're right - I think cheating would be the ticket to my freedom. How well you put it. But how true also, that here I've been, trying to keep things together, putting my wants, desires, needs and happiness aside while he's out having a great old time - regardless of whether or not he's actually cheating, he's still out having a great time 2 - 3 times a week.
This comment of yours struck me as well. I feel the same way. And I again agree with you. We DO deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. It shouldn't be something we have to struggle to attain. It should just be.
I'm sorry you're going through the same things and I hope as well that even if I can't find proof of cheating that I can find the strength to finally leave. I hope the same for you.
Lisa
Hi Nikki - it's always good to hear from you. I always wonder how you're doing. I think we are TOO good at sacrificing our feelings and needs to make others happy. That is definitely part of my problem but it wasn't as much of a problem when I was with men who weren't emotionally abusive. They didn't seem to take advantage of my giving nature. At least not that I noticed. As Elise said, I feel that cheating would be my ticket to freedom and as you just said, why do we need an ultimate reason to leave? For me I think it would make it impossible for him to lay a guilt trip on me and blame me for "breaking up" the family even though in reality, that's not my fault either - cheating or no cheating. I just know he'd try his hardest to make sure I felt it was. Am I making sense here?!?
I hope, hope, hope we will pull the strength from somewhere and "put our foot down" soon. Until then, I wish you the strength to get through each day.
Lisa
Lisa, you are SO not alone. I cant tell you how often i WISHED i would catch him cheating, or God forbid, that he would haul off & hit me or hurt me bad enough that i couldnt make any more excuses.
Its all "normal" for this horrid cycle of abuse. I havent seen anything about your situation (havent been on the board in a little while), but if you are in an abusive relationship, really - whether or nto he is cheating or not, isnt such as issue. Its YOUR safety & mental health that is the issue.
"For me I think it would make it impossible for him to lay a guilt trip on me and blame me for "breaking up" the family even though in reality, that's not my fault either - cheating or no cheating. I just know he'd try his hardest to make sure I felt it was. Am I making sense here?!?"
Absolutely. I think about last year when my H and I separated,and I remember how he appeared to be the helpless "victim" in it all.How awful I was for throwing this wonderful man out of HIS home.He and his family made sure that I looked like the evil villan.We live in a small town,and everyone knows everyone's business.I can't tell you how many times I was snubbed by people because of their "perception" of me.It really bothered me,more than I was willing to admit.
I've thought about this extensively over the past year.I really think we have to get selfish,in a sense,and stop worrying about what others think.After all,who are they to judge?They know nothing of what we go through in our lives,and I'm sure if the truth be know they probably have "skelatons" of their own in their closets.If society embraced us with understanding and compassion I don't think we would have these fears.
I'm learing to look at it this way, I have an unknown amount of time on this earth.And I know that God did not intend for me to spend it in this way.In the end,I will have only him to answer to...not my H,not his family or anyone else. It really helps to see it from that point of view.
Nikki