Making plans to leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Making plans to leave
3
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:06pm
After 20 years of marriage and 22 years of emotional and verbal abuse I have finally gotten smart. I am currently in the process of planning to leave, there are many things I have to do. First I have to get a full time job, I recently took a teaching certification examination and will know in a month is I passed that at which point I can apply to the school district for a position. If that falls through I will look in other areas. I have opened my own savings account and I am squirrling monies away into there. I have told my pastor and my doctor what is going on so that if it escalates any further I have people who know what is going on. He has done such a good job of belittleing me over the years that I believed him for the longest time, but lately, he's started working out and getting much more physically stronger and using that to push me around more.

I have come to realize that everything is not my fault. I don't deserve this sort of treatment, and there is no reason for both of us to be so unhappy.

we have 2 boys, one is 18, he is asking me why I don't leave this jerk, telling me that if I need him to stay with me that he will to help pay bills till I get on my feet. The other boy is 9, and he said to me just the other day, "I overheard Dad say he wished he'd never had us".

I feel really quilty that I've stayed in this relationship so long and both these wonderful children have had to suffer. There is nothing I can ever do to undo the damage their father has caused. I can only hope and pray that they will forgive me for both leaving and waiting so long to do so.

I have no friends in this area, he has made sure of that. And he moved me 1500 miles away from my family 20 years ago. We are close to his family, but I can't trust them to really listen to me and advise me.

am I doing the right thing? Am I going about it the right way?

I just don't know.

jljz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:53pm

Hi jljz and welcome -


It sounds to me like you are definitely doing this right.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:53pm
Yes, you are doing the right thing. I was married 27 years (actually 27 years this Friday the 23rd). You have been married 20, and I'm sure you will agree that you are not in any better shape than you were 20 years ago, a lot worse, I bet. I think the mid-life thing makes all these abusers much worse, too. The young ones are cocky; then when they get mid-life they get even more cockier and peed off at the world.

I stayed with my abuser too long - long enough he has gotten to a couple of the kids (I have 4). My 17 year old right now is giving me lots of trouble. I would love to turn the clock back 7 years at the 20 year mark and get the heck out.

Hugs,

Jackie

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 7:10am
Popping in to welcome you to the 20+ club! My 24th anniversary is this Saturday. Yipee. :(

Anyway, it sounds like you are doing things. That is good. Keep reading, posting and learning. You have some fantastic support with your kids - it helps to know that they see him (your dh) for what he is. My 11 yo son has actually told me on a couple of occassions that he hates his father.

I am probably one of the queens of guilt. I'm stuck at this stage of guilt and have been working really hard on trying to understand why so that I can move past the guilt. None of this is my fault, I have to realize that he is an adult and can make choices in how in lives and treats me and our kids (I have 3, 22 you d, 17 yo d and the 11 yo s. I also have a 1 yo grandson.)

Plan, seek help and post here anytime you feel the need.

Pam