Male abused by Wife should i stay in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Male abused by Wife should i stay in
4
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 6:26pm
Hello,


I am 22yrs old going on 23 and I am in the USAF. My wife and I are currently stationed in Naples, It. We have been married now for 9 months and 10 days. I don’t know where to start but I will briefly describe what is going on in our marriage and hopefully someone can give some me some good inputs. I don’t want to start out by blaming my wife for what has happened because I know that I am guilty as well as she is. I met my wife back in high school in Oklahoma. I was a junior and she was a sophomore when we first set eyes on each other. I was opening a door of the building, which included our football locker room. As I opened it she was coming out and there it all got started. I knew from that moment that she was the most beautiful young lady I have ever laid eyes on. The only problem was she was dating a senior who was also a football captain. We gradually became friends, as we would meet here and there around the campus. Later on in the school year her and the football king broke up. So one night when we were out fishing in a pond we became closer than ever under the starry sky and in a cosy little rowboat with only one paddle. As our night came to an end I lost control and went for the first kiss of my 17 years. She backed up and said no and that she didn’t want to hurt me. She felt that our friendship was too valuable. Since then I really never talked to her because of the embarrassing moment on that wonderful night. After I graduated school 2000 I signed up for the USAF and was in basic training 5 months later. As I stepped into my military life I lost the innocent boy that I once was and started exploring the world of sex. As I my exploration continued my feelings of woman changed monthly almost weekly and it didn’t help living in Panama City Beach, FL as my first duty station. In August of 2002 I went to serve my country in Kuwait. I left for my deployment on Dec 23 and while I was there my home newspaper ran an article about me and included my AOL screename in case someone was wanting to write and give me comfort and hope. As the e-mails started there was one that kept writing me and was singing your friend with her first and middle name. One day I decided to actually try and find out if I new this person because of they way they talked. As it turned out it was she, she was writing me after a couple years of not seeing each other and managed to kindle the fire that was in my heart. I returned back to the states in late April of 03 and got settled back into my place at the beach. During the next couple months we kept writing to each other. As my heart was now set ablaze I began to realize that this is it. This is the opportunity that I have wanted for so long and have dreamed about since the day our eyes had met after my football practice. During a routine trip to a club one night my friends and I met the night with drinks and good times. I began to notice that I was catching the eye of a woman peeking at me from time to time. As the night fell the lady and I starting talking. We had several things in common and she was a really nice person. Nothing happened that night between us but as she did however have to leave to go back to Michigan. She was on there for a week and I met her that day before she had to leave. So I was drunk I didn’t drive home, instead I slept on the floor of her and her sisters hotel room. They got on their plane the following morning and left. We continued talking thru e-mails and became really good friends. So my high school crush and I was losing contact because I was cheating on my heart. As August came to present I went home and saw my family who I haven’t seen in awhile. One day I was at the local mall doing some shopping and just noticing how time has changed the shape of that mall. I was in a store and I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around and in doing so my jaw hit the floor and my heart took off towards the sky looking and finding cloud 9. It was her, my high school crush in the flesh, standing right in front of me. We talked for only a minute because she was leaving for work. I did manage to once again get her number. Even though it was torture I waited a full day before I called her. When I did she told me that she was heading to work again. Well I went and sat for several hours at the restaurant where she worked. When she was busy sitting customers she would come over and talk to me. Well we hit it off right from the start and I was in heaven. I spent the rest of my time being with her before I had to come back to Florida. I decided to pop the question and I did. I'm sorry for you romantic ladies out there but I asked her over the phone because I spent my entire leave so I wasn’t able to return to do it in person and she was to busy with college to come and see me. She said yes and her parents were all for it because they used to come and eat at the restaurant where I used to work back in high school and we would talk about her and I. So I planned the wedding and it took place on Nov 1st 2003 on a beautiful. I mean the weather was perfect and so was the beach. The weeding went very well. Later I left for Italy, which is now my current duty station. She came as well the next month after we got her visa. Then the happy days started to decrease very quickly. She asked me before we married about how many woman I have been with and I gave her the honest truth. After a few days here in Italy I noticed that she wasn’t exactly the girl I knew in high school. She began to start accusing me of things that I wasn’t doing and giving me hell about every little thing I did do. She placed limitations on me ranging from no hair gel to who are you dressing up for. I began getting frustrated because she was not like this in the states. I mean I could wear nice shirts and I could wear cologne if I wanted but all that came to a stop. She than began accusing me of cheating on her with a co-worker. Which was just stupid to me because I never cheated on anybody in my life and never will. She simply didn’t trust me and my anger grew as well as my voice and the level of swearing I was dealing out. I too began to play immature kid games and gave her limitations as well because I felt it wasn't fair for her to wear make up and tight shirts. So yes I asked her to stop being a woman basically and I am not saying that all woman wear tight cloths and large amounts of skin showing, but that she how she dresses. Well the arguments continued and brought about physical abuse. She started throwing things and started hitting me, kicking, biting and slapping. After three months of this abuse I was able to realize when she was going to start her next episode of abuse. I grabbed her to escape a room and she wouldn’t move. I placed my hands on her pressure points on her upper shoulders so she would move; as I did she managed to bite my chest and removed several small chunks of skin with every tooth. I promise I did nothing in my eyes that could hurt her, but the following days proved different. She decided to tell her friends that was choking her and that I was the abusive one. I was then approached and notified by my supervisor that there was a phone call mad to the cops about a domestic violence issue. I was cuffed and stuffed and taken to the station to give my side of the story. Well me being the man I should not have touched her and now I agree to the same. A board of people met and talked about the incident. They found that I was the guilty one and that my wife was the one abused. I then started three different types of counselling for our marriage and she wouldn’t seek any even though I asked her to. Every since that night of the incident she became more and more violent because she new she could get away with it. I kept my mouth shut and I took it for as long as I could. On the morning of the 9th she attacked me again several times in several ways and I finally decided to report it. Well all the arguments that started all of this was due to the fact that I work with woman and her accusing me of doing wrongful things. On the morning of the 9th she said she wanted a divorce and this wasn't the first time her or I have used this word. That morning I got to work and then went and reported the incident to the cops. They took my story again but this time I had proof that it wasn’t me and they took pictures of the 4 cuts on my arms, and a knot on the back of my head from a struggle that started when I tried to leave and get away from her. On the same day I decided that enough was enough and I got an attorney. She called my office and was screaming at me over the phone saying that she was going to take every thing I have and then she was going to sue me for taking her away from her parents and her home and that I did cut myself and gave myself that knot on my head. Which by the way she wanted to come to Italy. Before we got married I had around 16,000 in my account, well 9 months later we are left with 4,000. She demanded that I buy her ticket back home but I do it with money from our other account which is where my check goes. I told her no that she could use the 4,000 in our other bank that she had earned by working over here. So she finally agreed. Today we met and I gave her the bankcard so she could take the 4,000 and she was begging for me not to leave her. I tried explaining to her that I had enough of all the abuse and the things that she accuses me of doing. She told me that she would go and get counselling and that she would change. Now even though I have been wanting to hear those words for months now I still stand my ground. I am still getting the divorce because the next time an altercation happens someone would either 1) be injured really bad or 2) in jail for awhile. I cant say that another altercation will happen if a stay in but I have asked her a million times to stop hitting me and for her to get counselling and now she is willing. Now don’t get me wrong I still love my wife very much and I will keep her name and our wedding date tattoo on my arm as a reminder of her. I mean I will honestly take my love for her to my grave. I am however having problems dealing with this and that is why I am writing this message. I am looking for any advice that someone is willing to give. I mean I am really scared right now and I just want advice dealing with anything. I know that there are misspelled words in this but I am not stressing over that right now.

Thanks

Beau




Edited 7/10/2004 6:56 pm ET ET by flyboyitaly82

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 12:07am

Hi Beau, and welcome -


Your situation is rare, but not unheard of.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:27am
Welcome Beau! First understand that there was nothing in this world you could have done differently other than never dating her, that could have averted all of this. Do not allow yourself to feel that any of this is your fault or that it could have been different.

Abuse is abuse, it has no gender, race or ethnic background, abuse is one person's need to hold complete power and control over another. It is not uncommon for abusers to twist the truth or get us to react to them so that they can get the blame put on us and keep anyone from finding out that we are the abused, not them.

Keep your appointment with your attourney and ask them if they are trained in abuse situations, if they are not, then ask them to refer you to someone who is. Just as in finding a trained abuse therapist is neccessary to get the proper advice on how to heal ourselves, you need to find a lawyer who is trained in abuse to get the proper legal advice. The reason to find a trained abuse lawyer is so that they know the dynamics of abuse and can see the games and tricks that your abuser is going to use against you. You need someone who can show without doubt that you are the abused in this relationship, otherwise you will never be able to break her abusive hold on your life. You will also want to have an attourney who will once you are divorced, can work on getting the past charges dropped from your record. Because of your love for her, you will find yourself wanting to not be as harsh on her. But understand that if you do NOT follow through and clear your name and your mind,,she will find a way to always hold you hostage by her abuse. Whether it's by pushing for alimony or pushing to get you to back out of this totally, she will try to keep some sort of control over you so that she can come back from time to time to once again scratch open your past.

Abusers choose this behaviour, it is not like an addiction where they have no power over it like alchohol, abuse is a way of life of which the abuser themself decide to act this way. Only those who are trained in abuse will know the dynamics of abuse, the tactics abusers use and how the abuser tries to hide behind lies and deception so that they will not be found out. By letting someone who knows little of abuse help you, you run a high chance of not only getting wrong advice but you could find yourself left at the mercy of your abuser. You are not dealing with a normal person, you are dealing with masters of deception, confusion, manipulation and frustration. If you do not keep your mind clear of her lies, she could make sure that she keeps some little connection so that she can come back whenever and make even one day miserable for you. Abusers hate to loose their prey, so they will do whatever to keep that one little thing so that they can have the peace of mind knowing they can still alter even one minute of your future.

Research as much as you can on this boards homepage, read and learn the ways of the abuser and their tactics. You will also find links to help you surround yourself with those trained in the dynamics of abuse, so that you can work yourself back to a healthier frame of mind.

We all understand your love of your abuser as most of us still love the good times we had with ours. That's what makes this so emotionally disturbing to us as we try to heal, the fact that we were decieved and lied to by someone who took our love and trust and used it against us. You may find once you start getting a healthy mind and outlook, you may wish to remove those tat's, as over time they may act more of an anchor linking you to a painful past, instead of being a reminder of love you once had.

Abuse is so deep in our psychological makeup that they even find ways to keep reminding us of them years after we find freedom. Abusers love to know that they still hold some minute power over our minds, they revel in the fact that even after years of being gone, they can come back for a brief moment and take our happiness away for a second. It tells them they still have power, and we cannot let them have even that one brief second!

Educate yourself Beau, learn how abuse affects us, start getting yourself to healthier ground. If you do not, you will never truely find freedom from her. Make educated decisons, not emotional ones, take steps to heal yourself and do not be concerned if she does. It is a proven fact that less than 1% of abusers change and that's only if they seek out a lifetime of abuse counseling. Most do not because they see no wrong in how they live.

My tattoo's of my past abusers, yes plural, are the papers of bankruptcy, foreclosure, divorce, paidoff loans to "help" my abusers, and many painful memories. Unless you take the steps now to change yourself, you will continue to find women with abusive tendencies.

Until you learn that you deserve better and a life free of abuse, you will continue to find relationships that will be toxic. You deserve a life of happiness and freedom to love without bounds, to love someone who truely deserves all you have to give.

I too am a male who has been abused not by one, but 4 female abusers. I did not open my eyes because I didn't see that a woman would do that, but I found out very much the opposite. This is why we must let all know that people, both men and women have the ability to abuse others, and you will see once you start getting healthy that an abuser abuses everyone around them, not just their mates, but friends, family and even their own children. Our only defense is to see that we the abused, need to find help and healing or we will continue to allow the pattern of abuse and we will keep going back, just different faces and names, the same game, abuse.

Keep posting here Beau, as you have found a wonderful community of people who have been where you are and those still fighting the battle to break the hold their abusers have over them. Come here and vent on bad days, share the good days and don't ever feel different because you're a guy,,in here we are all the same and we treat each other with equal care and dignity.

Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:03pm
Hi Beau, welcome to the board. I am glad that you found us. I cannot add anything to what Blueliner and Buffphone have said but a hug of welcome.

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:01pm
Should you stay in? NO.

Take your love to the grave with you? NO.

Take back your heart and set yourself free? YES.

She is not deserving of your love or your committment. According to what you have written, there was no way you could have forseen her behavior. You are very young. Unless you enjoy being alone, I don't think you want to keep yourself from sharing a meaningful life with another person, should that opportunity arrise.

Her begging to stay with you - that is very typical of an abuser when they realize they are losing the one they say they "love". What she is really afraid of is losing control and not being able to control you anymore. Don't buy it. If anything is going to change give it a good long separation where she has no hope of reconciliation - use this to see if she is willing to change on her own, to get get counselling on her own, because she wants to change for herself. Because she at the end of that time will be able to abhor her behavior and show true remorse for abusing you - for the malicious attacks, the verbal, emotional and mental pain she has caused you. That she without putting on an act can treat you and others around her with utmost respect and nothing less. You are a strong person for having put up with all that sh**t - you deserve a person who will build you up and you can build her up. Love does nothing else. Forgiveness is not forgetting, it opens the door to discuss openly. Remorse is not "I'm sorry, can you forgive me." Remorse is changing the way one behaves and treats others. Nothing less.