Manipulation

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Manipulation
8
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 10:46am

My ex is so manipulative. We had a conversation over the problems we are having with our daughter this morning. We talked about 40 min. He was telling me our daughter wants to come live with him and I should just let her go. She's 7 I don't think it is right to let her decide.

He was saying he has a new wife now. They are a family. Why don't I just let the kids live there and they would have a family again. He was saying nothing was his fault during the marriage. He was telling me things to make me think something was wrong with me. That nobody likes me, I'm a bad person, and I made my bed now and lie in it.

These ongoing problems like this make things happen that are drastic. When a person just cannot get away from the abuser. He is manipulating my kids and it is making me crazy. I am thinking crazy thoughts.

I need someone to talk to soon. I need to talk to a counselor before something drastic happens. He has turned my oldest daughter against me. He is blaming me for all the problems in the marriage. Nothing is his fault. I cannot let my daughter live over there, he is an irresponsible person. She would start having trouble in school.

How can I get away from this man? He has me so upset on a regular basis I just don't want to live anymore. He's messing with my kids minds.

Wish I had someone to talk to today about all this. I'm physically sick right now over it. To get in to see a counselor it will be another 6 weeks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:40pm

Jody,

Ok, I am going to be a little blunt here. Those are your children 5 & 7. Maybe THEY are a family, but no longer yours. Those are your babies and you have the right to have them and raise them how you see fit and he can parent them when he has them. It's so easy to cave in right now. Fight for your babies and your rights. So they through a tantrum fits, get them busy on something else.

Have no contact with the guy whatsoever. Make your own choices, not the ones he is feeding you. Stay strong. Contact your attorney. The courts made visitation rights and that is what is to be followed...don't think any further and don't listen to him. You are worth so much and those children need you to make the hard decisions now.

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 10:45pm
HUGS dear I too have a daddys girl. I have had to drag her kicking and screaming back home and he has dropped her off kicking and screaming and well you are mom and she is only seven and confused. She wants you both and what your ex will never tell you is that she wants you too. If that is the problem don't call your ex he only wants to make the situation worse. When she is kicking and screaming just hug her tight and tell her you love her and she will stop. My daughter has went up to two hours on one of these binges. Sometimes I just put her in her room till she stops and tell her we will talk about it when she calms down. Then I tell her that we both love her and just didn't get along and we can only do the best we can do to be the best parents she can have. DON'T CALL HIM! He just wants to encourage this behavior. I don't think that they will split your kids and don't let him take her. Stick to the court plan and she will learn when you don't give and she will stop. Hug her and love her and know her age and she doesn't know what to do. Don't ever give up on her or you. She needs you more than anyone weather she knows it or not. HUGS and Prayers to you dear. I know how hard it is.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:40am
Okay, let me say something here. My father abused my mother. I don't think it was ever physical. I never saw anything like that, but I definitely saw plenty of mental abuse. After they got divorced and we went to visit, he would bad mouth her, say all kinds of things (I'm 27 now and he still does it). I was a bit older than your daughter when all this happened. I went through the same thing though, I wanted daddy, this and that. My mom was never very strong and I did go to live with him for one summer. He was never home, I had to take care of myself and it only lasted a few months. I was back with my mom quick. I rarely see my dad now and my mother and I are extremely close. Now that I've been through my own abusive relationship, I see all that he did to her and the effects that she is still going through 12 years later. I say this as proof to you that your children will be able to see who's the better parent in all this, even if it takes years. They are very young now and don't understand what's going on. You have to teach them what's right and how people should be treated. That's your job. Your ex isn't going to do it. He doesn't care about their well being...only about hurting you. You have everything to live for in those babies. He isn't any good for them and is using them to make you feel worse about yourself even though you've left. He is not just hurting you here, but them as well. If you have to wait that long for a counselor, keep posting here. It was so good for me to post here. Go see your doctor about your depression TODAY! I know my doctor was wonderful. I went to see him every month while I was going through the worst of my relationship. If you are really feeling suicidal call 1-800-784-2433 and talk to a counselor there. I've been there, a lot of us have. You aren't alone in this. Take care of yourself and your children and stop listening to your ex. He doesn't know what's best for anyone but him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 10:57am

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I've been so beat down by him. I'm glad I found this board. I've been posting on some other boards and people that haven't had to deal with an abusive ex just don't understand.

You are right. I need to have NO contact with him. He had me so depressed yesterday when I talked to him. After we talked I was thinking I just can't let my daughter go. She is going to need me more and more in the next few years. She was ok Sunday afternoon and is fine right now. I think it is more out of boredom that she says it. She just tries to get me to give in. It is just so frequent.

Thank you so much again for the support. You understand what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: jodyannrn
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 5:06pm

Just to let you know I read this post too & when I have my rest etc I'll try & give you what support I can to help you tackle this problem.

Love Katie Bear

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 4:21pm
Don't let him get you down.... you are better than that - you are better than him and he knows it, that's why he's jealous and trying to get your child on his side! You were strong enough and smart enough to leave him, and you are even stronger and smarter now; you can handle this. Any child would be better off in a home with one loving parent than with an abuser (with or without his new victim). Don't talk to him - the only contact needed is that to arrange visitation, and you can probably do that through a 3rd party if you want to avoid direct contact with him... This is YOUR life, and he can't beat you down and control you anymore - so don't give him a chance to. Children may not understand at first, because often they are given no rules/restrictions by the abuser and are rewarded for their loyalty to him with gifts/money/special treatment. It's an attractive offer that is hard to refuse, but one of these days they are going to realize that something is wrong or they may unfortunately see him abuse the new wife... kids are smart, they'll pick up on it sooner or later. Good luck to you and keep up the good work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:55pm

Thank you for your response. There is just so much "luring" them over there. He's intentionally made it this way. Feels he has to compete with me and win over their affection. Unfortunately it is working.

My oldest daughter puts him on a pedestal...daddy can do no wrong. I let her think that, I don't talk bad about him. I hear the endless details of their fun-filled weekends, and then all week I hear how they are bored and want to go back, no matter how fun I've tried to make it here for them. Inside I feel very threatened by all this. It's not like leaving them at Grandma's house for the weekend, I know I will get them back from her house. But leaving them at his house for the weekend, it's like pulling teeth to get them back and he encourages this. When he sees them throwing a fit they don't want to come back to me, he loves this, and says things to me like "see they don't want to come back to you." Then I end up in tears. I dread the transition time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
In reply to: jodyannrn
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 8:32pm

I remember you telling me you had a daddy's girl. My daughter is too the point where it seems she resents me for not letting her stay over there. She left to go over there tonight, would not give me a hug before she left. She ignored me and got in the van. I tried not to let her know it hurt me. She is the same way when she comes back, will not acknowledge me.

I talked to a psychologist today about her. Counselor thinks it is from the game the ex is playing. I feel like I'm a bad mom, that she resents me, etc.

Does your daughter ever do this sort of thing?