marital counseling
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| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:55am |
Well now I can see why all the experts say Marital Counseling is a lousy idea when some kind of control or abuse is involved. My h and I have been going for a short time now, and I must admit I am starting to not feel safe at all with it. It's a great way to see all the red flags jump out at you though---lol j/k. Well after him confirming how much of a better person he is than me to the counselor, he comes out with, "She just can't stand how smart I am!" Then he says, "Why am I here anyway? These are all her problems, I don't have any of her mental problems." That's when I lost it and started to cry. I wish I didn't do that, but I did. I think the counselor could see why I have been so apprehensive in coming to couples counseling. I said well I am here for the kids. I'm afraid we are messing them up, that's why we are here. I also explained to both of them that I feel worthless. I've felt worthless since the day I met him. I was always too fat, not good enough for him or his friends, always calling me names, nothing I cook is good enough, I'm stupid, etc. Of course the counselor kept reassuring me I was not worthless, that's what he is supposed to do right?! I just wished it was true. I probably should have never said that in front of H, but thought maybe he would understand me more. This crap just gets him more and more upset. He told the counselor that he is a no-nonsense kind of guy. He haas no idea how to make me feel better or support me. He is not a sensitive person in the feelings area he goes on to tell the counselor. Honestly, for me it was kind of good for me to hear that, it makes me KNOW NOW he is not going to CHANGE. He kept yelling about things and the counselor kept stopping him and saying he doesn't want to hear this kind of banter back and forth. I could tell h didn't like that! I was so exhausted leaving that office last night. I think it's time to start the leaving process and I can't see him changing at all. The counselor did make some suggestions to me that would make me feel better in the long run, like getting my own job, etc. I already know that. I haven't been able to even look for a job because of all of this stuff has just been weighing me down. 20 years of this man is doing a number on me.
I have my second visit at the local shelter next week. I am receiving some counseling from them as well. Although I don't say anything to the marriage counselor about this. He did ask me last night if I have an individual counselor as well. I told him no. I think he could really tell I am a basket case.
Edited 3/25/2005 12:13 pm ET ET by stayfearless

Thanks wishful. Yes, my kids are seeing a counselor through school, and the marital counselor is also an adjustment counselor for kids. He said we would be surprised how well the kids will do if we just got along better. I also took it as the kids will be better off if we weren't together. I'm not sure if I like this marriage counselor either. He keeps giving examples from his own life....Are they supposed to do that??!
Thanks for being here!
Hi fearless -
I don't know what the standard is for using personal experiences in session like that, but whatever this counselor's experience is, it's not yours.
CL-Blueliner4
Blue,
I first went to this therapist by myself and even asked him if he was trained in DV issues. I don't know if he got offended by me asking, but he came back with a, "I've got 30 years experience as a therapist!" I told him that was all good and fine, but my H is a full blown narcissist and he is not going to even let me have my say in things. I think he wanted to see for himself that what I was saying was true that he is a verbal abuser, and boy did he find out! I just hate this feeling of thinking "Maybe I am the screwed up one!! and I am making a mistake here. I know my feelings have been validated over and over, but I just can't shake the thoughts that it is me just dreaming and thinking up all this stuff. I know it's NOT TRUE, but I still have an ache in my heart that I may be wrong. My H even said to the therapist, "You know, I am a nice guy, really I am, I put up with all her crap and she doesnt even work to help support this house. If you ask me she is the one who is in the wrong!" This is what I hear all the time. Every argument always ends with a "All you have to do is get a job, and things will be better between us!" THen I read the posts in here that women write and say their husbands don't work or help them, etc and call them jerks and maybe I am one of those jerks too??!! Sorry if this sounds confusing...
My XH worked full time and sat on his rump when he got home, either on the couch of plunked in front of his computer.
CL-Blueliner4
Nope, you are NOT one of those jerks. I gather that if you don't work, you are a stay at home mom? Then you have the child rearing to contend with, housework, grocery shopping, laundry, dry cleaners, cooking, cleaning, kid's activities/sports and generally running the house, right? Who the *&%$#@!!! says that doing all that is not work? It is hard as hell, even with a non-abusive and supportive spouse/SO.
It doesn't matter if the counselor has 30 years experience or 3 days experience. If they are not trained in DV issues specifically, you will get the short end of the stick. A regular counselor is working on the assumption that both parties are mostly normal and that both have a desire to discover what the problem/s are in the marriage and how to work TOGETHER to overcome them. An abuser does not think ANYTHING is his/her fault. Like your H said, 'I'm a nice guy, I really am, I put up with all her crap and she doesn't even work to help support this house'. If you got a job, would you be able to keep it, or would he somehow find a way to make you quit? See what I'm trying to say? He makes it ALL about him;; he's really a nice guy....and you make him act as he does. What about ALL HIS crap that you put up with? Does he even acknowledge that you also have a load of crap to deal with? Probably not. For abusers, everything has to be about them and their thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, power and control. Regular counselors just don't know how to deal with this mindset.
It's sort of like a regular counselor is equivalent to a General Practicioner in medicne. A good, all-around doctor that can see you through a lot of issues, but gets out of their area of expertise (and "comfort zone") if something "odd" shows up. For example, you have been seeing Dr. Smith for years and are comfortable with him and have had no problems with his diagnoses and feel that you have gotten great care from him. Then you start developing debilitating headaches for no reason that you can figure out. You go see Dr. Smith who tries a couple of treatments with you, but there is no improvment with the headaches. After a bit, Dr. Smith is going to refer you to a specialist (probably Neurologist) for a more complete workup and hand the case off to someone who deals with this sort of thing numerous times a day, every day. Same with Counselor Jones. A good, "general" counselor; can help with depression, anxiety, dealing with divorce (normal divorce) and the death of a loved one, those sort of things. But you come in needing a specialist (Counselor Brown, deals only with DV cases), since the standard treatment of the issue needs to be different. The dynamics in abusive relationships are horked up to say the least, and really only ONE party wants things to change (the abusee) while the other party (abuser) gives lip service to "wanting to change" and then uses what he learns in counselling sessions to make your life even more miserable.
You are not the crazy one, nor are you the one with the "abuser" mentality and problem. It sounds as if he has done the adult version of plugging your ears with his fingers and saying over and over "YOU CAN'T HEAR THEM, YOU CAN'T HEAR THEM, YOU ONLY HEAR ME... YOU ONLY HEAR ME...." very loudly, so that after awhile, all you "hear" and "notice" is what he is doing/saying/how he is behaving. They like to keep you off balance and constantly seeking/wondering if what you did is okay, will make him happy, did you make the right decision, should you have consulted him first before even changing the roll of toilet paper. Again, it is not you...... you need to find a good DV counselor, ask the shelter. And see them alone....you are doing this for you and he doesn't need to know a blessed thing. Does he give you an itemized itenerary of his day, each and every day? Then why should you? Be careful and take precautions, but find a DV counselor. They are a godsend. Good luck and keep us posted.
thanks for all of your posts! thank goodness for this board to get me through all of this. you are all a Godsend!
R~