Marriage Counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Marriage Counseling
3
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 10:27am
When I came home yesterday, my husband told me that he had scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor for July 16. He said that it was on a Sat. so it wouldn't interfere with work or anything. I was surprised that he did this, does this mean that he really wants to change? Does it mean that he really wants to make the marriage work like he says? The problem is not that I don't want the marriage to work, it's more that I've already shut down emotionally and I don't think I even want to try anymore. Is that wrong? We have a 2 year old that he adores, and I hate to think of her being split between us, but honestly I do 99% of the parenting anyway. I don't know if I can open up completely emotionally again to him, I've been hurt so much already. I'm scared that if I give it "one MORE chance", and he doesn't change I'll end up more of an emotional wreck than I already am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:29am

There is a HUGE difference between DV counseling and relationship/marital counseling.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 10:02pm

Well, I can totally understand where you are at. I felt the same way almost two years ago. I felt if he was willing to go to counseling then I would at least know I tried. It was my last effort. But honestly, I didn't really want it to work out anymore. I had checked out emotionally. I was numb and completely exhausted from trying to make this man happy. You really need to be careful with marriage counseling. It tends to assume that both parties are equal. Not so in abusive relationships. Many counselors aren't trained to pick up on signs of abuse and may make matters worse. Here's my experience with it:

He agreed to go to counseling if I stayed. When it came time to make the appt he kept pushing it off. Finally, I just made it. I was lucky in that I chose the counselor who also happened to be an addictions counselor. Abusers and addicts have very similar traits and manipulative tactics. Throughout the sessions my counselor called STBX on all his crap. Every last thing!! He also immediately recommended we both go to DV support/counseling groups. STBX refused but agreed to read an Anger Mgmt book.....Yeah, that didn't happen. After our first session, he was ENRAGED! He didn't speak to me for a day and sat on the computer looking at apartments. He apparently felt picked on and blamed. Oh, and when he read the form consenting to tx it said that all confidentiality goes out the window if there is the threat of violence to someone. He suddenly realized that yes, you can be arrested for slapping your wife! DUH!

He sat in counseling every session barely saying anything and did not do our first assignment. Then after only 8 sessions pressured me into not going, saying we didn't need it anymore. Honestly, it helped a little tiny bit. But not for long. Just long enough so that he felt secure that he could start exercising control over me again. Luckily, I recognized the signs before he got physical again and I was out of there! I suggested counseling again but he refused (I knew he would) so I went back to the same counselor on my own. I went to a DV support group too.

After we split, he did join a DV program. But he did so mostly to try to win me back. I think he may have completed it but don't know. It was not an intensive program either - 6 months and you're done. The leader was a former abuser who worked things out with his victim and they stayed together. He didn't want to call me - even though the website says that the woman is part of the program and that they keep in contact with the victim (A good program does this to make sure abuser isn't lying in session about his abuse). Yeah -in this program it's only if you want to stay with the abuser. This guy finally called me and was "shocked" when I filled him in on STBX's physical abuse, etc. He was like, "Gee, X didn't tell me that." NO KIDDING EINSTEIN!!! Then he cut the call short because he was about to go into a session. Never heard from him again.

Well, that's my story of counseling. Read the info on here about Counseling VS. DV Programs. It's good info that can help you make a decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 12:34am

why are you so willing to take a chance on something you know you don't want?

you don't want this... one more chance is just silly at this point.

hasn't the guy shown you what he's like already?

counseling is ridiculous at this point...

either leave him or accept your life as it is forever.

.... somehow, reading what you write and feeling your emotions - i think you already know that this guy isn't for you.

as for the kid? what is best for you is best for the kid... if you want your child to grow up like this, that's your choice.

and it is a choice.

make the right decision, morangtslmom.

20 years from now you will be thankful you did.