Marriage counseling update

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Marriage counseling update
7
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 11:32am
So I get dragged to marriage counseling on Saturday......complete waste of time of course. He tried to start with me in the waiting room because he looked at my paperwork and for sense of well being with 1-10 being the range I put a 4. Then when we get in there, he did 99% of the talking. The one time that I mentioned the verbal abuse he got mad and I shut up. The counselor did tell husband that he needed to talk less and listen more and that he needed to stop saying hurtful things because you can't take them back once they're out (YA THINK!). He also told him that his jelousy was making him imagine things that weren't there. (Brilliant man). Anyway I'm supposed to do 5 things to show him attention, and he is supposed to do 5 things to show me respect in the next 2 weeks then we get to go back and talk about it......Whatever. Now he thinks everything is fixed, and he is happy as a lark. He is still being Mr. Wonderful which is really sickening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 12:57pm
And that's what they do.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:32pm

I have to agree.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 2:35pm

(gray, nauseous face icon!)

Mr. Counselor doesn't see it. ITA, you should call this guy if you even feel emotionally safe doing that. Make a solo appointment and put the truth in his face. Tell him you know better than to try this but you have no choice because the h will make you regret it. Tell him the h is an abuser, nothing less. If he minimizes it then, he'll never catch on.

Best of luck, hon. Don't give up.

Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 10:51pm
Let me jump on this bandwagon too--- the couselor needs a headsup and you need individual counseling.Since you are the victim, not your husband, you owe it to YOURSELF to start working on your healing process! I also tried couples' counseling and the first session set the counselor off because my AH would not let me talk. My AH started calling her names and left the room. I was assaulted within 2 hours of that meeting. God give you guidance and favor with doing what's GOOD FOR YOU!!! Please keep us posted on what you decide. P&PT going out to you tonight!! Deb (please forward) OOPS!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 9:57am
The hidden message in the counselor's suggestions is that this is a relationship problem and if everyone does their part, it can be improved, doing the 5 things that you each have to do. But you can do 100 things to show him attention during the next week, and he will still be abusive, because it's his individual problem and only he can get help to fix it. Until the abuse has been dealt with and treated on his part, there can be no good relationship with you as a couple. The counselor's suggestions also indirectly blame you for the abuse and ask you to control something that you can't. Meaning if you show him attention five times during the week, or whatever else, then he won't be abusive. When I went to counseling with my husband, he did the same thing,he talked and talked and talked. The counselor was saying how we needed to work on the problem's together, how we were both at fault, we both contributed. I told the counselor he is abusive. I gave examples. I also said if it's my fault even partly, the solution is for me to get the hell outta here and let him get a new woman, then he won't be abusive any more if I'm the reason he's like this. This woke the counselor up in a way because she said abuse is solely the responsibiliy of the person that is doing it. And that she wanted to meet with me alone the next week. Then I told her everything the next week, and she said she was in above her head with counseling him. And recommended one of her coworker's who counsel's abusive men individually and also has classes for abusive men. Of course he said I turned the counselor against him. And he never did follow up with that referral. I looked at the counseling like a verbal contest. I had to come out on top and get my point across, and like in your case it won't be easier, cause you've got an abuser working hard to cover up the truth and blame you or at least split the blame with you, and a counselor who is coming from the mindset that everything is a couple's problem and no one person is 100% to blame either. Once you realize that it's not about counseling for abuser's, it a contest to make sure they come out the winner in counseling,then you can play the same game if you want to make sure you come out on top. If you want to play, I'd stay out of the game altogether.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 11:59am
Thanks everybody for your input. The good news is that husband decided that we can't go to that counselor anymore because he is out of network and it will end up costing us about $400 per session. He says that we need to find one in network though and go because he thinks that it would really help and he wants to do anything so that he doesn't lose his family. I think he really does want to keep his family together, but I don't know if he is really capable of true love or having a real relationship, it hurts me though when he starts talking like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 1:40pm

Somehow, this doesn't surprise me.


Do not be surprised if he fails to find a counselor that is actually in network.

CL-Blueliner4