This may sound crazy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
This may sound crazy...
1
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:59pm
But I think I have abused my boyfriend many times. I have hit him also. But it uis partly because I see the same qualities in him also. this scares me, but I think I am more willing to change. I have had several replies to previous posts including "He is controllin and wont change- leave him now!" and "Maybe if you reacted differently, he would be more inclined to act different toward you also." We have had trust issues from 3 months into the relationship. I cheated several times, and he "got me back". I know for a fact that we have very "Good" feelings for one another but we have problems displaying those feelings because of mistrust and disrespect and we feel we are taekn for granted which very well may be true on both parts--like we are too selfish. We go to counseling today--our first session, he agreed to go, then disagreed and finally came to the conclusion that he would go to ask the counselor if I was crazy. Let's see what happens. I know I can be overly insecure and have always had that trait although I do think that I am very pretty--also, I am very defensive and have been told so by others--but so is he--are we just too alike and toxic--do u think we can work it out--we have a 9 month old together and I have a 3 yr old who is attached to him even if he does seem mean to her sometimes. But she "needs to behave" is what he says. She can be loud and ask the same question over and over, and she cries easily and runs to me when he disciplines her ie. spanking, time-out. Is he right? Am I too lenient? Sometimes I beat her too--not beat, but spank ahrd--I believe in spanking--always have, but can feel guilty afterward. I want to keep this relationship... I know I have issues to resolve. I dont want to push him away, but want him to help me and "us". I want my feelings to matter, and for him to NEVER say "I'm done, I'm goin to bed, I'm tired". I don't want to be so jealous anymore. I DONT think he cheats on me--I would know as much as I snoop and he does it oo--its like this mutual "funny" thing with us although they say it isnt healthy. He has admitted that he has said mean things to me, but it was always for something I made him say, or triggered him to say. I try NOt say things I know would hurt him, but have before. He always tells me that I do look beautiful, after asking him if I do. He doesnt usually, but has volunteered a comment or two in the past couple of months, and he is a good dad, who works 7 days a week and gives me all the money to do bills, but is always criticising instead of telling me what he likes about me. He never uses my stretched mark stomach ionsecurtiy against me and instead tells me that "You had two kids, you look good" and "I love it, my baby was in there", and although I hate it, I am complimented by others always for stayin so fit. See, I think we need time and healing, but I dont want us to tear eachother apart in the process, because that is the opposite of the effect that I am looking for. What do yall think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 3:37pm

I'm not really sure what to say.

I'm glad you are both going to counselling but I'm wondering if it should be couples or individual. Sometimes, you need to deal with your individual issues before you can come to the table and be productive as a couple. If it starts to be a blame game in therapy, I don't think anybody will be helped. Also, not every therapist works for every person. Don't be afraid to change therapists if the first one isn't working.

Keep trying to get better - for you and your kids. You've made the first(and toughest) step toward recovery and that is recognizing that there is a problem.

Good luck. I'll be rooting for you.