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| Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:04pm |
Hello, I'm a new user to this group and I would like some advice on my current relationship. First off, my name is Taryn, i'm 20 years old. I look forward to all of your replies, I really feel I have no where to turn right now. So thank you in advance. My problem is: I'm currently engaged to a young man whom I've known for 2 1/2 years. We have been dating for about 8 months. When I first knew him, as a friend,he was a totally different person. He was patient, understanding, ready to help me with my problems without being judgemental. Once we started dating, however, his attitude completely changed. I understand that he was going to change some, as did I, when we changed the status of our relationship. I know this is a normal part of developing a healthy relationship together. But now he is jealous,argumentive, and generally unsupportive of my ideas. He always has to be right, no matter what the cost. I do admit that I can be stubborn also, but I feel he takes it to a far more extreme level than I do. He never wants to go out and do things anymore,and if we do it has to be on his time, his way. I understand he has a more demanding job than I, and I try to be supportive, but the only way he sees that I can support him is by being home every day when he gets there (which sometimes is 5-7 hours later than me)and by not going out (even just with my friends) without making sure he knows exactly what, where, and with who i'll be going with. I feel trapped! It feels I cannot have my own life, and everytime I try to talk to him about it, he tries to make me feel guilty by reminding me how long he has to work each day, and how i should make him top priority. He is my top priority, but I like to do my own thing every once in a while also. Our most recent fight (which ultimatly led me to move out last night)was about the most trivial thing. I am turning 21 this thursday, and for friday, he was going to rent a hotel on the beach and invite all my friends. We had discussed this (I even have a close gal pal coming down from out of town)and yet he booked the hotel for saturday night. When I tried to correct him, thinking he had just forgotten our previous conversations he got very angry and told me that I should just be appreciative that he was doing something nice. He didnt even let me tell him that what I would have appreciated, was for him to listen to what I wanted. That I do appreciate the gesture, but we had agreed on a date, and he totally disregarded it. His eventual admission was that saturday would be more convenient for him, due to his work schedule. After some long arguments, he told me he wanted me to leave his apartment (where I had been staying with him recently)because he just couldnt believe how ungrateful I am. I really do love him, and I dont want to lose him....Is there any hope? thank you all for listening.

Hi Taryn,
I normally don't post much here, but I saw your post and wanted to help. I was married to an abuser for almost 6 years. I left last August while I was pregnant. I still love him and miss him very much sometimes. The fact he moved 5 min. from me doesn't help either. You fell in love with someone for who they were then and I find that is what I miss about my ex. I don't know the person he is now.
I see a few huge red flags here. You are being isolated from others. You are in a relationship, but you also need to be your own person and have a part of you still for you. He has some really rigid roles for you. What would happen if you were injured or got sick? Who would take care of him then. I still to this day sometimes lapse into still trying to make sure my ex is taken care of even after filing for divorce. He also sounds like he likes to play mind games with you in that you know you said something, but he is certain you didn't. You are not nuts and know what you did and didn't say I am sure.
I know I didn't see things for what they were for a long time as I grew up in a fairly normal single parent family and didn't have any prior history of abuse. You are only 20 and I would get as far away as possible before he has the chance to get his hooks into you any further. Abusers like my ex will damage your credit, cause property damage (mine put a hole in the wall at our local hospital), do enormous damage to your self esteem and health in general. You do not need to spend your life walking on egg shells.
He will probably tell you that he's sorry and wants to try again, but unless you give him room to prove that he wants to change I would not hold much stock in that. I know you are in love, but hunny take it from me. You never know how far someone will take things and if they will or won't get physical. When my husband pulled my hair and pulled me onto our bed last June, it was a fear you never get over. He has since threatened to kill me 3 times, 2 of which were while I was pregnant with our son. You don't want to know how this feels. No one does.
Get your Nike's on and run like the wind.
Hi Taryn, welcome -
jb has some great points in her post.
Like her, I see a lot of red flags.
CL-Blueliner4