maybe I'm over reacting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
maybe I'm over reacting.
4
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:52am
Hi, remember me, I'm the one who posted "is this abuse" about my H hitting me in the leg with the big roll of papers. Well we had a talk last night and the more I think of it, he made me feel kind of dumb for mentioning abuse. Maybe he's right. I mean, I really don't think he would ever seriously hurt me or the kids. He does throw things and break things. He does grab the kids roughly on occasion, and has pushed my dd against a wall, holding her there and yelling at her. He has punched me in the arm hard a couple of times, and once years ago when I was pregnant he pushed me against the wall and held my arms down and wouldn't let me go, yelling in my face. But he did let me go.

Hitting me with the papers was an accident, although he was throwing them in my direction because he was mad at me. I have a gruesome looking huge bruise. He's acting like it's stupid for me to be mad about that, that he said he was sorry and that it was an accident, and that I should just let it go.

But the thing is, most of the time he is a very calm person, to the point of being too calm, a man of few words, patient with the kids. But then he lets it build up until he blows, and that's when he will do these things. It's only about once every couple of months, unless it's a stressful time, then it will be more often. But it's not like he is doing it all the time. And the punching my arm thing and holding me down only happened a few times, and we've been married 12 years.

He probably throws things once every couple of months, grabs dd roughly every couple of months, and yells at me extremely scarily about once every 6 months. He does have other issues about control, he does want to make all the decisions (and somehow no matter what my opinion is he always has the last say), he does try to dictate how I should speak to him. For example, he gets mad at me when I can't get my opinion across in few enough sentences for him, or if I don't understand what he is trying to explain to me even though he tried a couple times to explain it. And sometimes he gets mad if, for example, he says "I really like that house over there" and I say "Really? I don't really like it". He says "I didn't ask you for your opinion".

I'm starting to wonder if I'm making more out of this than I should, maybe because I'm unhappy in the marriage and I'm looking for ways to pick it apart. I need your opinions. Is this normal behavior? I keep imagining my dad doing these things and never in a million years would he, but then again my dad is an exceptionally easy going guy.

Help, I need some honest opinions here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:06am
once every couple of months or once a day, it's still abuse. he is brainwashing you. he is controlling your mind and thoughts. you've got to start thinking on your own. this is abuse. he has a problem. you've got to see this on your own. what he says doesn't matter. he will make excuses, put the blame on you, and anything else until he has you beleiving it isn't what it is. he may even beleive this himself. i'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this to you before but read why does he do that? by lundy bancroff. you can get on the homepage and read some of it. don't let him downplay his actions. this is and always will be abuse. i hope you find what you need on the homepage and in this book. good luck

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:22am
I agree w/Mel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:54am

Twins -


I made a second reply to your original post that I really think you need to see.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:57pm
I really don't think you are over reacting. It can happen once or a million times and it is abuse. Even if he isn't beating you or your children senseless, it is abuse. You don't have to end up hospitalized for it to be abuse. He is trying to control your thoughts by telling you what you think is stupid. Of course he is going to say that. He wants to make sure you stick around. He wants to keep you under his thumb. Otherwise, who would he abuse? Please get out of that situation. You aren't over reacting. What he is doing with his words and actions is most definitely abuse. Please keep us posted. Big hugs and take care.

Jen