Me Again Needing Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Me Again Needing Support
10
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 4:38pm

Well, it has been a few days since I have posted anything. I went for about three to five days of receiving messages from my stbx saying that he wants to counseling with me, etc (I have already mentioned this part). Then, Wednesday I get a message from him cursing me and asking how could I have done this to him? He somehow found out about a class that I took one day and he now thinks I am messing around with the teacher. I took the class to conquer a fear and to do something for myself for a change. I had asked him several times previously in our relationship if he would go with me and he always said no, which meant that I could not go either. I don't know how he found out, but he also found out that a friend of mine is an instructor as a side job, however, he was NOT my instructor.

It frustrates me beyond imagination to not know how he knows I took this class and that he is bringing an innocent person into the middle of this mess. He began to consistantly message me berating me and telling me that he can't believe I would do something like this. He said that he would have done these things with me. I don't know if he is following me or having me followed or perhaps someone recognized my last name in the class and knows him. I have no idea and it is killing me. I know it really doesn't matter, but it is the idea of being watched, especially since I AM trying to move on and take care of myself for a change.

I called my lawyer and told him what he was doing and how I was shaking so mad (anger and being scared). He said that we are legally separated and that if I did do something it really wouldn't matter (my attorney had a conversation with his attorney to let him know of the harrassment and she agreed that it is beyond the point that it would matter). However, it makes me upset to be accussed of such and I feel like I can't have any close male friends.

After he posted something on my Facebook wall instead of a private message, I can say that I finally got up the "nerve" to delete him completely from my Facebook page. I feel like that is a good step for me, a big one, but I have that awful feeling of not being able to know what he is going to do next. My therapist said that it is the "flight or fight", my emotions have always depended on how he felt and I have to get through that. I am so concentrated on the current issue of feeling bad for having male friends that I am minimizing the abuse history.....the real reason we are here.

I am not questioning whether he will change or should I go back. He isn't going to change and I am not going back. I just need some "talking to" about how to handle the guilt and that it is okay to have male friends. Right? I was not allowed to talk to men during our marriage.

I hate that this was so long, but I wanted to say exactly how I feel and it is theraputic to type. Please give me some advice, encouragement, butt kicking or whatever I need. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 8:03pm

Hi;

Sorry you are having such a bad day but you did the right thing with your stbx..Remember to delete him from all contact but I do understand what you are saying about you want to sort of keep an eye on him cause you dont trust him.

But if you need it you should file a restraining order because now he is harassing you.. You need to go to court and file all papers necessary to make him be on notice that he cannot tell you what to do; whom to do it with or where you go. Its none of his business. You

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Fri, 05-20-2011 - 8:44pm

unless you block him he can still see what is going on on your face book and leave you messages...go to the lower left hand side of your home page and clicke on "report"....then you have the option to report or block...click on block

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Sat, 05-21-2011 - 4:23pm

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice to you both. I hate being on a roller coaster of emotions, but I know it is normal. I have not heard from him (knock on wood), since I have blocked/deleted him. It still does bother me some not knowing what he is doing. I have encouraged him to go out and do things, but if he does he does and if he doesn't he doesn't. I am not in control of him.

I wish he understood the reasons why we got to this point. My counselor said he is "conjuring" up stories now to justify the divorce (such as he accused me of cheating). I mentioned to my Mom this morning that I kind of feel sorry for him. He has accused me so many times during our marriage of me cheating (which is probably a sign that he has, right?) that if he has really made himself believe that I have....I know how he feels. It hurts to think someone cheated on you. But, I guess that isn't my problem either.

Thank you again and keep up the encouraging. I did go the website: youarenotcrazy and refer to it often.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sun, 05-22-2011 - 10:56am

One thing to do is keep busy , busy, busy. Go out with your friends, form a support group, get invovled with community stuff, other group activities. That will keep you from getting brainwashed into thinking the what -ifs..also come to the board and read some of our stories..where we are in so much worse situation with kids involved. It is so much easier to leave now and build a new life. Get focussed on your work..stop thinking of him and whether he could have changed...and if you are crazy..again ..maintain no contact..just let the legal do its thing. good luck.

Also after separation, who you meet up with, how many male friends you have is NO business of his. If you continue to respond to him, he may think there is still hope. So sooner he realizes there is no future, the better. Again, do not respond to him..seek a RO if he continues to text/email and all that. And to your question about male friends, sure, you can have male friends ..you are an adult and independent woman. That said, I would be cautious jumping into another relationship..so as long as that is understood..it is fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 05-22-2011 - 7:46pm
Good for you! This part can get hard, the guilt is laid on so thick.

Did I ever post the "Emotional Blackmail" book? If you have to, say out loud to yourself, "I will not feel guilty for this. I am not to blame." You know, like that daily affirmations guy on SNL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 11:13am

I did buy the book "Emotional Blackmail" and I am reading it now. I mentioned that I "unfriended" him on my Facebook, but did not realize that I had to block him also. So, I got I a message on Saturday night asking why I had "unfriended" him. Really? Then, right after that one came another one stating that he is not the one holding up the process of the divorce. He said he knows that I am eager to move on, much like I have (he thinks I cheated on him recently). He said he sees how he treated me, but that he wanted more love too. I tried to give him love and he would physcially push me away. He also said that we could write a book of all of OUR faults and that there were a lot of people that could have helped us, but I had given up. He was the one that wouldn't go to counseling. Then, he began to tell me how much his love grew for me every year and that he will move on, but it won't be easy and that he will never forget me. He said he has forgiven me, even though it still hurts.

I have blocked him, but it is the constant up and down that kills me. One hour he is yelling and cursing me and the next hour he is "poor pitiful me", then he forgives me for whatever.

Does this sound like the cycle of abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 11:36am
This oscillating hot and cold from him is him grasping at straws to reach you. He tries to be nice, reconcile, but then when it doesn't go his way, he'll get nasty again. Then he might be slightly remorseful or see that getting nasty doesn't work, so back to the "woe as me, I tried so hard" BS.

It's grasping at straws.

Yes this is the cycle. There's a calm period, seems like there's improvement, then tension builds and there's an eruption. Repeat.

What do you think when he's telling you all of that stuff (middle of your paragraph stuff)? The more you listen to it the more the guilt will seep in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 12:06pm

Hi;

I agree with Sienna..

It does also appear to me that your stbx is trying to hard to get you back into his control. Its all very textbook and yes he is trying to make you believe its all your fault. Remember the "brainwashing" Well? It worked before so he is wondering why isnt it working now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 12:31pm

I have wrestled with the idea of responding to him to tell him that I didn't need his forgiveness, etc. But, I realized that it doesn't do any good and that will open back up the communication which he wants. The best thing for me is to bite my tongue and go along with my life the best I can.

What about therapy? I am at a point where I am mad at him and it feels like (to me) that I talk about the same things over and over, except for the new messages that I receive before I go to therapy. Do you all think that I still need to go? I am still caught in the "needing encouragement and affirmation", but there is no way I would go back.

I am pretty sure I understand why I got into this relationship. I was 20 years old when we married and I lived with my parents. I went from their house to his. All my life, I had planned on when I would get married, how many children I would have and when. I guess being young and "thought in love" that this was it and that they way he treated me was normal. Because, there were times (I guess the honeymoon phase) that he would buy me little things and would wink at me across the room.

I feel like I still need therapy, but how do I go about it now that I feel like I am going in circles?

I know I will still have my down days, but I feel like once it is final I will feel a little better....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-23-2011 - 1:11pm

Hi;

I would stay in therapy for