Is this me imagining or for real?
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| Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:24am |
There is this guy I met on a message board I was in total love with - for five going on six years. I don't know why, what the world was I always so ‘hopelessly in love’ with some guy who never was straight or direct in returning the feelings. When we first met, I asked him if he was interested in meeting. He told me I was crazy and needed help, that it wasn't mutual. But then why did he email me before that saying “when you’re with me you do what I want, what I say, there is only one law - mine and mine alone” before that? (we were talking about me moving in with him, because we lived in different parts of the contry) Didn’t that indicate he was at least thinking about being with me? Why else would he say something like that?
I lived in the Midwest, then when I moved to the east coast to be closer to him, he lead me to believe he lived in another city, for years he led me on to believe this. I would set a time and date to meet and he would never show up. Then I would say, well, maybe he was just busy, and that was that. This happened a number of times.
It never went away either. I always wanted to meet him in person and emailed him every year or so asking him again would he like to meet? And he never said he did. He either ignored me, said he was screwing someone else and didn’t need any other girlfriend. Then he would post “I lied to this girl, I said I was with someone else, but I never was” right after that happened. Why would he do that? He would always post stuff that indicated he was talking about me, yet he never called or talked to me in real life?
That was so weird. I never even told anyone, because I knew how abnormal and crazy I would sound. About how infatuated I was with this guy who posted on the same message board as I did for years, yet he never emailed me back aside from rejecting me, putting me down, ignoring me, making me feel bad about myself, flirting with other women in front of me, talking about his sexual exploits with them in graphic detail, humiliating me in front of others. Never offered to meet me in person (aside from the first year).
Yet he always said it was me who did it to myself, and I don’t know is he right? Why would I do something like that to myself? Why? I don’t want to become “learned helplessness” case. I don’t want to be a “victim”. I just want to be treated with respect ( and including by him too). I certainly could never live a relationship like this in real life, I guess I kept thinking he would not be like this in real life, but that if we were together in person, what if he would behave better and treat me better?
That was the weirdest thing ever. How could I be so uninterested and unavailable for guys in real life when I was practically obsessed about some guy I never saw outside the net?
He would say things too that made me think he was interested in me, then when I tried to think, well, maybe he's just shy or whatever, he would be mean to me again. He would tell me it’s just me, I was imagining things.
I'd usually just try to brush it off and say, nah, I'll get over it. But he was always still there, I always had feelings for him, he would say things that would make me swear he was talking to and about me, yet if he was thinking about me, then why was he so mean to me when I tried to talk to him directly?
I never knew if he was right, was it just me, or was it him playing head games with me?
I always said, could he just be straight with me and tell me, was he interested in a real relationships or not, yet he never said anything, I assumed it to be that he was but was just too scared to admit it. Wouldn’t you think if he wasn’t he would say so?
That was really weird, and definitely so, so embarrassing, I never told anyone about it all the while it was happening. It was like some big dark "secret" I was carrying around. I would get sick to my stomach thinking about him, and I still do. I feel butterflies in my stomach every time I see his screen name.
I tried all last year to forget about him, I did pretty good too. I actually met some other guys, but, no one of course that would give me the same feeling as he did. I am afraid I will never meet anyone who can give me the same feelings as he can.
Although I have been doing pretty good ignoring him this past year- because I am tired of feeling in love with someone who doesn't love me back in real life (not just the ntet) - not only is that not love - that's friggin abnormal.
I did however post again a few times to him, but then he posted right back telling me to shut up,don’t talk anymore, he was talking to someone else.
Oh, I just wish I could stop getting suckered in to playing head games with him. I just want to see what he looks like after all the years, and get it over with, I want to see him talk to me nicely in real life, and if he can’t then move on to someone who is normal. Not this game type nonsense.
Meanwhile, I alwasy told people the same story, that I never went out with any (other) men, because I didn't really want to for some reason, just never really got around to making a relationship my number one priority. I would tell people I had other things on my mind (exploring different careers, different interests, new hobbies, travelling, moving around a lot, I was alwasy busy and preoccupied with so many things, just never got around to settling down).
However, the truth was that HE was the MAJOR thing ALWAYS on my mind. And despite how many times I tired to tell myself to forget him and find someone else who is cleraly interested and respectful of me, they just always looked so undesirable in comparison?
However, I am feeling as though I really need to find someone real. Someone who has the capacity and ability to love me back. Love is two way street, not one. One who shares the same interests, values, hobbies, someone who is not mean to me, nor ignores me. Yet one who also gives me the same rush/ butterfly feeling as he does. Or is that not normal, or possible? What is a normal relationship anyway?
Is there something wrong with me for being 'addicted' to him? Why can’t I just like someone who is normal and boring? Why am I so uninterested in anyone but him, who I can’t stand the way he treats me and ignores me and/or puts me down and make me feel bad about myself. I don’t get it. What is this? Why is this like this? How could I be so drawn and seduced by someone who is like this in real life possibly? This doesn’t make any sense. Is there anyone here who can make any sense of this?
I really appreciate any and all answers. Sorry so long, but gosh, I’ve never revealed my secret ‘love’ life with anyone before, despite the fact it was eating me this whole time, the only ones who know how I felt this whole time about him was he and I, that‘s it. It was soooo secret, I was too ashamed to let anyone know how much I liked someone who treated me like this. Too ashamed, not good at all.
Yet hoping, always hoping, that he would some day want to meet me in real life, talk to me like a normal person and treat me nicely, why would I wait and hope for years and years for this, yet it has never happened still yet? Why? Why can I not hold off long enough to barely even look at any other guys, why just him? Why him? Why?
Is there something wrong with me? If so, what is it? I don’t get it? This doesn’t make any sense, I know what is right mentally. I know what is right rationally and logically. I could never let anyone know what has been happening all these years, my secret love life, never. But why isn’t my emotions listening? Why? Why do I still feel so drawn to him so strong, why? am I just crazy imagining this or is this real?

My first suggestion is that you take time and visit the homepage for this board and read alot of the articles. There are articles that will address his behaviour, articles that will help you understand why you feel the way you feel.
Abuse is a choice, it's something people want to do. And this person who you have found attached to you somehow has played with your mind in just the right mix of confusion and manipulation to tease your mind into wanting to find out more.
It sounds to me that he did the perfect bait and hook technique that first caught your attention, then when he knew he had you hooked, he simply left you hanging so that your curiousity would drive you crazy and he didn't even have to be around to do it! This too is abuse, it is an emotional abuse that leaves no scars or outwardly signs, but it plays again and again in your mind to the point where you do have problems making sense of a normal relationship.
It wouldn't hurt to contact a local shelter and ask if they have counseling and support groups. You will find that there are many people like you, both men and women. Abuse has no gender, no race, no ethnic background, it hurts all of us. The sooner you start to learn about abuse and it's dynamics, the sooner you will be able to get back into a far more normal life.
If you don't take care to get this loser out of your mind soon, he will make sure he ruins many future relationships. He knows that the most sought after person is the one who you think you can have but they know they will never give. He wants you to think that he's the one that got away and what if he was your perfect match. Well,,he is far from your perfect match! Your perfect match will not play mindgames, will not disrupt your life but will be someone who wants to share their life with you and be there for you through thick and thin!
Hugs and welcome. Hope we see you post, ask and vent all you want here!
Hi dannyboone…welcome to the board.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou