merry go round

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
merry go round
4
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 4:04am
So many days I feel like I'm caught on a merry go round that just won't stop and I have no control over it. January 1st I told my husband of 11 years that I wanted a divorce. I finally had the guts to stand up for myself and realize that I deserved to be happy, that I needed to find myself again, that I shouldn;t go through life doubting every decision I make, feeling completely torn down, having no self-worth, blaming myself for everything. Over the past seven months I have recognized now that I am a victim of abuse. Emotional/verbal/mental/controlling behavior/codependency, I don't know which fits best, but I know I've been abused.

We have had so many discussions/arguments/debates, etc... that I don't know if I'm coming or going. There is a part of me that wants this marriage to work, but now that I/we're seeing a counselor, and a lot of introspection, I'm realizing that until he accepts responsibility for his actions, I can't forgive him. I just find myself doing the same stupid things over and over again, trying to talk to him, reason with him, rationalize with him, but nothing seems to work. Everything comes round to making it seem like it's my fault. For example, he told me the other day that he desperately wants to work on his relationship with this kids but he can't/won't because I'm just going to rip them away from him. I tried pointing out to him that this is controlling behavior on his part, that trying to make me feel guilty for his decision is not what he considers just sharing his feelings. Tonight we went round and round yet again. He vacillates between seeming to agree that he's been abusive and outright denial. He claims that we both put us where we are. That the fact that I didn't stand up for myself years ago is what I'm to blame for. That the fact that I'm standing up for myself now "doesn't count." I don't get that!!! He claims that he can't/won't make the changes he needs to make in himself because of what I'm putting him through, that I'm being controlling and abusive. He says that in his mind we need to work together to make things better, that I need to commit. I ask him to be specific about what he considers a committment, but I never get a straight answer, after all, I'm STILL in the same house and have been for the past 7 months, and we're seeing a counselor, and I run the household so the kids lives won't be too disrupted. I know that I can't help him make the changes he needs to make, I'm not strong enough for that yet, I'm just now finding my own feet! I'm just so frustrated and confused and turned around. Am I abusive? Am I being controlling? arghhhhhh!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 12:21pm
Hugs kimberley68. The merri-go-round you are on is a familiar one to all of us. You are making some very huge mistakes that are feeding this confusion and will continue to until you make some changes in how you're approaching all of this.

First and most important, Marriage or Couples Counseling DOES NOT WORK!!! It has been proven that with abuse, those who do Marriage or Couples Counseling end up putting themselves at a far greater risk to elevated levels of abuse. Going to couples therapy is only giving your abuser the facts and information he needs to continue making your life Hell. I strongly urge that you contact your local shelter network and find a trained Abuse Therapist. Shelters provide many resources besides safe shelter from harm, they offer legal, financial and theraputic services or links to them. It is important for you to get proper counseling, which is one on one counseling with a trained abuse therapist. General therapists or couples counselors more times than not DO NOT understand the dynamics of abuse, therefore they are giving you the wrong information.

You need to start finding help only for yourself, then seek abuse therapy for your children through the same route. Your husband will need to find his own therapist, without your assistance, and he will have to choose to change his ways. But again, it has been proven that less than 1% of all abusers ever change. He does not see that he is wrong, none of them do.

Also, read this boards homepage, start reading the articles and links so to help you to start educating yourself in the dynamics of abuse. You need to start making educated decisions instead of emotional ones or you will not be able to get free of his abuse.

This is why it's neccessary to seek help only for yourself and DO NOT discuss what you are doing, who you are seeing or where you are getting your counseling with him. I know it will be hard, but the more you talk to him about his abuse and what you are doing for yourself, the more information you are giving him so that he can change tactics or levels of abuse. Abusers dispise anyone who threatens their ways and their power, they will make matters worse in an attempt to force us to submit to them again. It is all about their ability to hold complete power and control over others, it is a chosen way of life, they will not under any circumstances admit they are wrong unless it is a known way of making us think they are trying to change, what we call the honeymoon period, and once they get us to relax, they go back to the abuse.

So first, educate yourself, it is the best way to reclaim your life and happiness. Call a shelter, do not let anyone make you think that it is below you to seek their help. On the contrary, they are there for us to seek help, they have the resources, if you cannot find one close to you call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Contact your local hospital as many now have an Abuse Counselor in the hospital. Contact your local or state police and ask to talk with a Domestic Abuse Officer and they can help you find contacts.

It is very important to make sure that you only talk to "TRAINED" Abuse Counselors and Lawyers. Just because someone tells you that they have handled a few abuse cases, does not mean they are trained in abuse. Getting the proper advice is essential for you to get off this merri-go-round of insanity. If you do not, he will continue to keep you confused, isolated and miserable, because you are trying to deal with this without help.

No one can do it alone, most of here have tried and failed doing it that way. With proper advice and counseling, you can find freedom for you and your children.

Remember, "YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM", you can only change yourself! I know that sounds totally selfish, it isn't, it is the only way that you will ever learn and deal with what is going on. By mistakenly thinking you can change him, you will only derail any attempt that you will make, thus making it harder on you and your children. He's counting on you to fail, he's counting on you to not seek proper counsel, he is counting on you to think you can hold it all together, because as long as you do, he keeps his control over you. You need to start changing how you see abuse, how you change your future for you and your children. He will not change, ever. The only way to know he is trying to change, is if he seeks out lifelong abuse counseling for him alone, and keeps to it. Many say it, many will try to bluff it, but within a very short time show that they still do not see their behaviour as anything but normal and that abuse is an accepted way of life.

I apologize for this getting long, but to get free you need to start anew in a whole new direction, one he is not invited to join you on. It will be hard work, it will disrupt how people see your family, because you have to remember that abusers will lie, cheat and force upon everyone their views and will go to all lengths to make us, the victims, look like the crazy ones. Abusers do not like everyone knowing what they truly are and they have no ethics on who they hurt to keep their lie alive.

Good Luck Kimburley, it will be a hard road but one that we all have had to walk in order to get free. All of us here are with you, you are not alone in this and never will be again.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:01pm
hello kimburley. i can completely relate to what you are going through. i think that i am going through a very similar situation with my husband. unfortunately, i can't offer you much advice because i am having trouble getting off of this rollercoaster that i have been riding for much too long. but i can offer you an ear and i will tell you that i really hope that maybe we can help each other find peace. i just want peace, but with my husband i don't think that it is possible. my husband blames me for EVERY problem in our relationship. he contantly argues with me, he has to control me in every way or he sulks and acts like a jerk. about a year ago, i couldn't take the arguing anymore so i told him i wanted a separation. he was totally against it. i said that i though we both needed to get help for ourselves before we could make the relationship work. i went into counseling and i got an apartment, but i hardly ever went to the apartment because i didn't want to make him more mad. so i paid rent for this apartment (and still am) that i never really went to. and i stayed in the unhealthy marriage (which i am still in). i am not perfect, far from it, and i know that. but i think that i deserve to treated with some dignity and respect, especially from a man who claims to love me. i recently signed up for horseback riding lessons, because it is something that i wanted to do for myself and i am a teacher and i am off for the summer. anyway, he does not believe that i am going horseback riding, he wants me to show him "proof". i said that was ridiculous, he said he finds it extremely suspicious and even more so that i refuse to show him proof. this is just a small example of his controlling behavior, he also somehow figured out the secret code on my cell phone and he retrieves all of my messages. i change the code, and he does the same thing again and again. i don't even know why i bother to change the code anymore, he always gets it. anyway, he claims that he has to do things like this because i am "too secretive" and it is the only way he can find out what i am up too. anyway, it has reached a point where i feel i can't go on, but i also feel terrible about ending the marriage. a part of me still loves him very much, and i want things to get better. but he refuses to go for help and he refuses to acknowledge his part in the problems, so i don't see how things will improve. i just don't know what to do or where to go, i am crying all the time. sorry this is so long, but i wanted to explain my situation. i would welcome any input or responses. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:03pm
It does sound like we're in similar boats, down to us both being teachers. I love my job so much. I couldn;t see myself doing anything else. In fact, it's my job that's helped give me the strength to stand up to him and say no more. I worked for 13 years at the same inner city school, which was a long drive, and took a lot out of me, but I felt such an incredible sense of accomplishment and pride working there. He finally convinced me that I was too stressed working there, that it was affecting the family and I would be better off moving somewhere closer to home. I did, thinking that it was my decision (NOT). Well, lo and behold, I created quite a splash at my new school. I began to realize that change wasn't necessarily a scary or bad thing, and dammit, I can take pride in myself and not feel worthless.

I know I'm still making mistakes. It's so hard to let go and not try to make things work out still. We have three kids after all. I flip flop though. I know this is best for the kids, my leaving that is. I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is ok, that this is the way to treat women, and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's ok to be abused.

We got into it again this weekend and so many of the things he says really make me see that he's not going to change and I'm not going to be able to help him get there. I have to quit trying. He doesn't see what he's done as abuse, that he didn't come home everyday and degrade me or belittle me. No, he didn't, but just about every argument we had he did. He also blames me for his anger when I would bottle up my feelings, and he would have to drag them out of me. Well duhu! I was afraid of him! No, he doesn't accept that, it;s just that I don't like confrontation.

I guess the most telling sign to me this weekend was when I told him that I am who I am, and will be who I have to be, likewise for him. That if he wants to be with me, he needs to be someone appealing to me. To start at ground zero. He refused. He claims we're not at ground zero and he's not going to work that hard to win me back. Well there you go. His choice is made, and I'm waiting for the papers to be served. I just hope I can arrange to be out of town with the kids when the sherriff comes to the door.

Thanks so much for listening. I know I'm rambling, but I'm just trying to sort through all these things in my mind. KNowing what I should do, and working up the courage to stand on my own and do them. It's nice to have a bunch of shoulders to lean on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:11pm
hi again. your H sounds alot like mine. i also hate confrontations and i tend to keep my feelings bottled up. this drives my H crazy. he questions and questions me and he says he has to do this because it is the only way to get things out of me. i am afraid to share some of my feelings with him because i know he will get mad. well, it doesn't matter because he gets mad anyway. i am so sick of being blamed for everything. i feel emotionally drained. good luck to you and i hope we are both in better places soon.

love,

tamara