Met With An Attorney Today, Told H, long
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:13pm |
I met with an attorney today for the first time to discuss a divorce. I went there, and left there, feeling like it was someone else going through the motions, not me. Anyhow, she will take my case "when I am ready" as she said and gave me some info. on remaining safe. I am going to start seeing a counselor at the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center on October 31, I have hesitated going there because my sister works as the accountant, but, I just really need someone to help me understand why I am doing what I am doing and she said she wanted me to go and set the appt. up.
Realtor came over again last night, gave me the price comparisons and I told him I wanted to talk to my H and my sister before I made any decisions about listing the house. If we get what he listed it at, we would just break even, and I really doubt we will get that. But, as my attorney said today, money is just money.....
I didn't want to tell my H I had met with an attorney. I asked him if he wanted me to list the house and he wouldn't give me a clear answer. Again, I told him that I didn't want to leave, but, just couldn't continue living like we have been. He was of course instantly on the defense, saying that I will not be happy no matter what he does. I told him that is not true, and he said, "yeah, you just think I should go to counseling and should be the one to change". For the first time I said, yeah, I do think that. I do think you need to change, not who you are, but how you treat me when you are angry. So, then he starts in about how I think it is okay when I am angry, but, he can't get angry. I told him that it's not about getting angry, it's about the things he says and does when he is angry. As usual when talking to him, I became frustrated and just started crying, because he tells me how I think and that I should be able to forget about him pulling a knife out, forget about him holding a bat over the windshield of my car, forget about telling me that he hates me, and that by me even mentioning those things, that means I am never going to "let him forget about it". So, I cry, and then he asks me why I am "freaking out". I tell him I'm not, that I'm crying, because I'm sad and that is what happens to me when I'm sad. So, then I get, "yeah, and that's my fault too, because I suppose I'm being Abusive again". He continues to tell me that the only way I am going to be happy is if he can't express his "emotions" the way I expect him to. I told him what he has done is not about emotions, it's about control. Anyhow, I know I'm wasting my breath with him, I just keep hoping he is going to get it. He still "didn't realize he scared me by pulling a knife out when we were fighting, I wasn't really going to hurt myself". So I asked him why he did it then, and told him that it was just to scare me. I'm sorry for venting, I am just really struggling with leaving. I did start the paperwork the attorney gave me tonight. I think it will be a matter of weeks before I file for divorce, but, I'm not too confident in myself right now. I keep reminding myself that I can't pretend this isn't happening anymore. I just want it all over, I want to be out of this house, not have to talk to him and be able to get my head on straight. I am starting to accept he really never is going to get it......
