Molestation or just weird parenting?

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Registered: 01-03-2011
Molestation or just weird parenting?
9
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 10:43am

I almost feel like I'm borrowing trouble by even vocalizing this thought. I've never actually said it out loud and whenever my therapist have headed this directions, I'm pretty good at wiggling out of it. But, lately - especially with all this crap with my mother and thinking about my childhood - I keep coming back to the same thing and wondering.

I think... no, I don't even want to say that.... How would you know if you were molested or sexually abused as a child? I mean... is there like a list of what is appropriate behavior for an adult to child and not appropriate behavior? I know the way I am with kids and my own child is very different than the way I was brought up... but I don't know really what those differences qualify as... like if my upbringing was just "weird" or is it "molestation" or if they are just a different way of parenting. I just don't know.

I know, when I've looked at the signs and red flags for children who have been molested... I see myself in alot of those... like the early sexualization. Like when playing with dolls/barbies as young as 3 or 4 - my barbies were always having sex. I got caught playing very graphic versions of "doctor" quite a bit when I was between 2 and 4. I remember explaining to my friend when we were only 5 or 6 how sex worked and the different holes women have. Things like that as "red flags."

Should I even be worrying about this? I worry about "false memories" and things like that. I would never want to attribute something to someone when I'm not 100% of exactly what it all means. Are there any good website resources on this?

Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 07-28-2011 - 10:14pm

Chipper, have you checked out this website?

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 01-03-2011
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 9:18am
Thank you so much. I'll definitely be checking out RAINN today. But I think I'll be leaving this subject relatively dormant for now. I just don't think I can handle stirring this up now too, but I'll be keeping what you've said in mind. I haven't really posted much on the other board... maybe once.

The baby is due September 3rd. So, it's slowly getting closer now. I'm just about in my last month.

I really appreciate all your support and guidance, and will keep you posted.
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Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 12:56pm

Some people who WERE molested claim to remember from the age of two.

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Registered: 01-03-2011
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 3:03pm
Fissatore -

It's not that I don't remember specific things. It's that I'm not sure if the things that happened were considered sexual abuse of some type or if its just a weird parenting style. I think everyone walks in on their parents, and it's no big deal.

What I'm talking about, for example, is if a parent knowingly exposes themselves repeatedly in front of the child. Like... my mom... she was naked all the time when my dad wasn't home. That in itself is just weird, but she would do this weird thing all the time where she would get down on the floor on all fours... it was just weird. And, it ALWAYS made me feel uncomfortable. She also made me take baths with her until I was a preteen, having to wash her. She would show me pornography. Things like that. It was never blatantly anything, but it was just weird stuff like that. That is why I hesitate to really "label" it anything. But, there are gaps where I remember some odd things when my dad was out of town for a week at a time for work, but it feels like there is something I'm forgetting that seems to have taken it all a step further. Just something doesn't feel right about the memory.

I really just don't know what to think of it. Probably just lump it in with her being a crappy parent in general, I guess. And, I want to make sure I know for sure, what is appropriate and what is not as far as parenting goes. I'm building my knowledge of what is right and wrong is a romantic relationship, but I'm not sure where to start on accessing what is right or wrong in a parent/child relationship.
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Registered: 01-03-2011
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 3:06pm
And I've avoided talking about with the therapist because I feel that somehow taints my childhood even more. Like by labeling it, I would be somehow even more broken than I was before. Like I'm damaged. It just feels like I would be entering a whole new level of messed-up-ed-ness.
Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-30-2011 - 2:04pm
My first thoughts is if it made you feel comfortable then dont do it. As far as you washing her yes that was sexual abuse. I am not sure about the other stuff. As far as remembering really think about it before you push to remember it. Since you won't talk about it to the one person trained to help you with this I don't think your ready to deal with so I wouldn't push it. I was molested when I was little. I only remember a tiny bit of what happened and have no desire or need to remember it. I worry it would mess me up more to know and wish I could block the things my ex did to me the same way I have that. Plus the man who did that to me is dead so I can't confront him (when I was in therapy I did discuss this and neither of us felt a need for me to remember).

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Registered: 01-25-2001
Sat, 07-30-2011 - 3:01pm

I was molested as a child as well. And I have avoid getting help for it. My husband is in the miltary and shortly after he returned home from Iraq about six years ago we neede help with our marriage.we went to a therapist and during one session we were talking about how I was so protective of the children and how I never want to have any one babysit so we can have an evening to ourselves.She than asked about babysitters when I was growing up and than that led into the molestation. I had never told anyone and still to this day the only ones who know are that therapist and my husband. The man who was so tainted himself was my babysitters husband. I did not even rember his name until just a few weeks ago. But I can recall everything he did to me. I loved his wife she was wounderful to me and I don't think she had a clue it was going on. I have not ever told my parents because I think they would be very upset. I think when the time is right for you the time is right.

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Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 07-31-2011 - 12:43am

Well, obviously not all mother's are June Cleaver!

Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 07-31-2011 - 10:51am

Chipper, let's put this in a framework of what we would do.

Mama Harmony